Medical Questions > Relationships > Dating Forum

is this really a relationship?

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so i've been with this guy for a couple months,
that i really really like. we've been inseperable ever
since we met.
i'm 16 & he's 21. i dont really know what
to think about us...but i need help.
we have not said "i love you" once.
we have sex... a lot.
& we act like best friends.
& he said that we are best friends. & that he
didnt want to go any further. just stay being friends
with benefits.
but...its hard, because i really like him.
hearing that just kind of torn me apart.
he said he's too afraid to get in a relationship because
he gets overly jelous & thinks im too outgoing.
too scared to get in a relationship, because he doesnt
want to get hurt...
but...idk...

i asked him what would happen if we both found someone
better than eachother.

& there was no answer, from both of us.
& we just cried....

i cant tell, if he loves me, or is just using me....
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replied May 27th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Wow, either he is putting on a show or he is telling the truth. If he is not willing to be with you there is nothing you can do about it and the sleeping together should stop asap. In this situation I would feel used also. Most likely if you feel you are being used, you really are.
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replied May 27th, 2008
thats what ive been thinking too.
but i really wish it wasnt true, because
he really is my best friend.
& i feel only happy around him. & i can tell
he is the same towards me.

yeah, he said if it bugged me that we were
having sex & not dating, that we could stop.
but i just want him to like me.
not use me. so if i did,
i'll just have to see how he reacts to it :O

thanks!! xoxo
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replied May 27th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Yeah, definitely stop. I think thats the best choice for you to make for yourself right now. Maybe it will make him realize how much he really does want to be with you and he will push his fears aside? I hope everything works out for you!

Your welcome!
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replied May 27th, 2008
aww, thanks!
yeah ive been stressing out so bad.
but that makes good sense.
& that will help me to see how he
reacts to it.

<333

xoxo
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replied May 27th, 2008
does he have control issues from his father
Dear SB:
Regarding his jealousy and relationship or commitment issues,
does he have control issues from his father that he is projecting here on you.
How does he perceive his parents' relationship and roles.
How do you perceive yours, were they balanced or did the
husband control things and the wife followed along.

If you both have issues from the past or patterns you are repeating from
your parents or his or both, it is better to resolve that directly rather than
project and repeat these issues in your relationship with each other.

If you can gain a sense of mutual balance, harmony and communication
where neither party is controlling or depending on the other, but you
make decisions together, that is healthy.

Any friendship should have that level of honest, respect and communication.
If you don't have that, then work on the emotional or perceptional differences
or conflicts that are making you treat this person or this relationship with
less respect than you would a friendship. If you can identify and resolve your
weaknesses or conflicts, you will be successful in all your relationships.

HINT: Any communication issues, are usually linked to your relationship
with your mother or family where the better you communicate here the
more confident and clear you are communicating with others also.

Any control or perception issues are usually linked to your relaitonship
with your father or past romantic relationships. these tend to bring out
people's control issues, the same way communication issues tend to be
linked to your patterns with your mother and family where communication
is rooted. So if you or someone else has imbalances, conflicts or issues
in either area, you can look into how resolved they are with their
paternal or maternal relations and you can see where patterns are
repeating or need work to resolve to reach a natural healthy balance.

Anything that is not resolved can get projected onto other relationships
especially romantic partnerships that bring out male/female issues
and thus past patterns with mother/father that affect your
communication and your sense of control/perception in relations.

Good luck.
Ifyou end up breaking u p or moving on,
there is a very good forum on MSN for Break Up Survival.
The people there are wonderful and I recommend it
if you have doubts or questions, want feedback or support.
Please take care!
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replied May 27th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
syntheticblue wrote:
thats what ive been thinking too.
but i really wish it wasnt true, because
he really is my best friend.
& i feel only happy around him. & i can tell
he is the same towards me.

yeah, he said if it bugged me that we were
having sex & not dating, that we could stop.
but i just want him to like me.
not use me. so if i did,
i'll just have to see how he reacts to it :O

thanks!! xoxo


This statement bothers me. Why would he want to have just sex and not even date? Dating is not a relationship either. Dating is just dating. Meaning you can still see other people. Dating is getting to know someone to see if there is potential for a realtionship. After you date then you either stop or move up to the next level. And then there is just sex and only sex.

you typed : "yeah, he said if it bugged me that we were having sex & not dating, that we could stop"

This seems to me that all it is to him is sex. I think you have your answer in that one statement from him. But it sounds like you want more than just sex from him. Your feelings are already involved. You need to let him know this and see where he stands. Maybe he is scared and didnt want a relationship, or maybe he really doesnt care and just likes your body. Either way you feel one way and he may feel another way. This always spells heartache.

My advice would be to express your true feelings and see what he wants. If he doesnt want anything other than sex then he is just using you. And hes an older guy, they dont always see their wrong in things. Dont let yourself be used by an older man that doesnt appreciate your youth. Be with someone thats want you not your body.

Please pm me any time. I was 15 with a 23 year old. I got my heartbroken because all he wanted was a young peice of .....I know how you are feeling
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replied May 27th, 2008
Experienced User
totally agree with comment above
guys are pigs....well, not all of them. you'll learn that if you havent already. i had a friends with benefits thing going when i was in high school, it just lead to broken hearts and horrible vibes around that person
if i were in your position: 1. guys will say anything for sex, so don't give into him, 2. drop him, 3. forget his name, 4. friends with benefits is NO good!
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replied May 27th, 2008
From a blokes point of view...

If we can get in someones pants then we will do anything and say anything to get there. Personly i dont any more, but when i was 21 i sure did.

You may think you are best of friends, which may be true, but if its not your living under his lie and you will grow to hate all men because of it. Friends with benifits only work if both sides are happy for that, otherwise it is a waste of time.

personly for the time being i say put on chastity belt, tease if you must, and keep it going, if your still best of friends for some time to come then fair enough. but make it clear to him what YOU want.

Paul
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replied May 28th, 2008
to emailus:

yes i can kind of understand how
i could put some feeling towards others
towards people that i dont want to.
or him. he lives a perfectly normal life
with good parents. well his dad kind of
mean. but yeah.
i dont really know what to say to that,
but there are a lot of communication
problems. & im sure i should work on that.
i did yesturday, see him for a couple hours
& he wanted to have sex, but i left with
one of my other guy friends & he texted me
a couple hours later saying he missed me.
i dont know what that really means....
its kind of like controlling, like i need to be there
allllll the time.
but it bugs me. i did that to him because
i wanted to see what he would do.
& his reaction, instead made me feel bad Sad

thanks!

to Rosie H:

yes!!!!
i totally agree!
jeeezz. all of my friends that know him
& that talk to us, are saying that.
he just wants sex. its starting to make sense,
& its starting to really hurt...
sooooo. i got a few things in mind
to get him back Wink

thank youuuu Very Happy

to melancholydaye:

*high five.

seriously, yeah i shouldve thought of that
earlier.
but then again, im the kind of person
that will make anyone happy,
i need to work on it.

thanks<333
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replied May 28th, 2008
Experienced User
yeah believe me sister, i've been there. it sucks but it's a helluva lot better once you drop him and get someone better. and u r pretty, you and i know you can do better then that little piggie. lol jk. but good luck
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replied May 28th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
yeah...sex is just sex to a lot of guys. Especially when the girl is young and hes older. There are lots of women that can handle this and it works out. Casual sex is for people who arent looking for emotional attachment. You sound like you need a little more than physical bonding. This is ok. Its ok that you need more and he doesnt.

Just dont let yourself get TOO attached to him. If you know he only wants a sexual relationship and you want more then I suggest you stop having sex with him. You can totally remain friends, but dont let your heart get broken for a few moments of passion. Trust me the feeling of being used and hurt lasts much longer than the good times you have together.

This is just a learning experience. Dont feel bad about yoursefl. You are gorgeous and look like a model. Trust me there are many great guys out there that can give you exactly what you need.
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replied May 28th, 2008
Experienced User
very well put rosie.
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