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Q: Is this PTSD ??

asked by: troubledperson on June 18th, 2009

New User

Hello,

I am in desperate need of some help because honestly, im not sure how much more of this I can take lol.

First,Thanks ahead of time for reading my post. I am going to explain pretty much my life history so I can get a accurate result so please bare with me.

I am a 19 year old male with a strong history of sexual abuse, molestation, rape and physical abuse..
I grew up with my mother and father until I was 7 when they split up. The first 7 years of my life were great, no real problems at all.

Once my parents split up things went down hill. My father started drinking a lot and my mother slowly started losing her sanity (She is not completely insane, most people dont notice).
When I was about 9 we moved to an apartment building in a very bad neighboorhood with a family friend of my fathers. My father also started getting into illegal gambling and cocaine which combined with the alcohol made him very very violent. He started beating me and screaming at me regularly, but honestly that doesn't bother me (I have long since forgiven him).
It made me in turn violent to my peers and I was quite frequently getting into fights at school and other disciplinary problems.

We didnt live there long before we got a bigger place (a townhouse). My fathers friend moved in with us.
In time my fathers physical and mental abuse became more frequent, but we still had a strange bond. I was a very tough kid and really didn't feel pain the same way others did (so it seemed).

One night by father was gone to work and his friend was awake. I was scared and couldn't sleep so i made the mistake of crawling in bed with his friend (who to my fathers and my surprise, was a registered child predator). I probably don't even need to explain what happened next, you can get the picture.

Over time this mans sexual abuse towards me became more frequent until it was about ever day in so many ways. For example he would do little things also like get me a pack of pokemon cards and the way he would give them to me would be to stick them in my underwear and get a cheap feel of ... but also much bigger things..
Over time the abuse also became worse and worse until he actually brought friends into the picture as well as my step brother. I had honestly no idea what to do. I knew it wasnt suppose to be happening but I didnt know how bad it really was. but at the same time this guy was so nice to me and defended me from my dad, took me places, gave me ciggerates, bought me stuff, talked to me... I was scared to turn him in not only because I thought noone would beleive me, but also because I didnt want to disappoint my father (although he wouldn't have been disappointed and probably would have killed him), but also I didn't want to disappoint the guy doing this to me (i know thats sick...)
I was so confused and once the guy brought my step brother into it I started... messing with my step brother if you know what i mean.. (this is probably the 2nd most painful memories i have. I feel horrible about it but I was so young, 12)
So it went on and on until my dad came home one night and I was sleeping in his friends bed. I assured my dad I was just scared and nothing was happening (god i was stupid), but he wouldnt hear it. He didnt give the guy the benefit of the doubt and kicked him out.

My fathers physical abuse towards me decreased gradually over the next couple years until it stopped completely when I was 14 1/2. Thats when i went moved to florida to live with my mother.

Now let me jump back to shortly after the guy moved out of my house. On a completly unrelated incident... Me and a couple friends were abducted (yes i know it sounds crazy but it really happened), taken to some medium sized building, and raped repeadtly by 3 men.. It was an absolutly horrifieing experaince.. Horrible horrible things happened to us there... Things you probably couldnt even imagine..
The whole thing i think lasted somewhere between 5-8 hours (it felt like an eternaty).. im not sure exactly how long it lasted... but afterwards they put a bag over my head and dropped me off on the corner of my neighboorhood. I was hurt pretty bad but my clothes were covering up most of the wounds and marks... I stumbled my way home and went inside... my dad didnt even notice i was gone and was sleeping on the couch. I went into my room and cried myself to sleep, contenplating suicide, and wether I was going to report the incident or keep it a secret...

I kept it a secret but spent the rest of my adolescent years in a strongly disguised constant fear. I always observed (and still do) every little detail around me and strongly (but silently) analyze everyone I meet. I trust literally no one which brings many problems to my 3 year long relationship with my fiance. No matter how hard I try I cant trust her or anyone else. I know its not her fault but she thinks it is which hurts as well. The trust issues also is a big problem because I literally CANNOT bring myself to tell this stuff to anyone besides my fiance, which means i cant get help from a couslor, phyciatrist, phscologist,etc... I even took extreme caution while writing this and used so many proxies and other tools that it is actually impossible to trace it back to me or my computer.. (yes i know i am paranoid and untrusting.)

I tried my best to delete all these negative memories and my past from my mind starting when i was 14 and succesfully got them off my mind for a few years..

When I was 13 I started getting into drugs.. I smoked a lot of weed until I was 15, which numbed my mind. i quit when I moved to florida but picked back up again when i was 16 and since havent stopped smoking weed... It seems to be the only thing that helps with the problem Im going to tell you about. I also started getting into cocaine when i was 17 and quit shortly before i turned 18.. I will not go back to it and realize it was a big mistake, however it brought me some of the only true happiness (at least it made me believe i was happy) I have ever experienced.

When I was sent to live in a 'program' (jail alternative for juveniles) for a few months where i meant a very good counselor.. we got sort of close.. About 8 months after getting out of the program I started seeing her at her new job where she worked at a children's advocacy center. Over the next few months we got closer and I ended up telling her about my dads friend btu did not give her his name.. She was very supportive but kept trying to get me to report him which i woudlnt do. Eventually I told her about my step brother. She said she absolutely had no legal choice but to report it to not only the authorities, but also my father and step mother... This was horrible and the start of my bigger problem... Anyway, the autorities decided I was too young for their to be any criminal punishment and my step brother had long since forgaven me since he knew what happened to me and was a victim of my dads friend as well (which he made me promice not to tell anyone).. We got to be close close friends before she reported it but now i havent talked to him since.

About 2 months after I turned 18 i started having problems holding the memories back (which I kept hidden for a long time). I started slowly getting these memories back. This turned into the memories being... how do i put this.. 'forceful' in my mind. I couldn't stop myself from thinking about them no matter how hard i tried.. The memories started getting more and more forceful until a couple months ago they turned into (from what i can tell) full flashbacks or something of that sort.. There are actually a few ways these memories effect me.. I know this may sound weird and irregular (i haven't found many cases too similar which is why i have no idea what is truly wrong with me).

1st type: I literally kind of faint (I have done this in dangerous locations and hurt myself a couple times) where i have a dream like thing where i live through the raping or abuse of my brother. it only last a couple minutes from what my girlfriend tells me.. but it feels much longer..

2nd type: I get a really sharp pain in my head and I start to relive throgh the rape.. usually the part where i was tied against a wall.. it only last a couple minutes tops from what my girlfriend tells me.. but it feels much longer..

3rd type: It comes on very sudden (like the other types) and is completely realistic. I literally see everything as if I was in the place i was raped.. And it feels like i am literally reliving the whole thing... this one tears me down and often times brings me close to ending everything,(although I am not a suicidal person.. this makes me somewhat suicidal).. From what my fiance tells me, my eyes are open and i am talking, moving, mumbling, and screaming.. This one can also last a lot longer....

The flashbacks happen sometimes during the day but mostly happen at night for some reason... im not sure why.. they are usually accompanied by a migrin . The one thing that really numbs it and makes it go away is weed... that sounds crazy i know but it kind of completely numbs my mind and stops them from coming.. most the time... but it makes me not who i really am and i am unmotivated and have little interest in anything (im not sure if thats because im depressed or because of the weed... but i assume its the weed)... Now i don't do any other drugs besides weed.. the last thing i did was cocaine and that was nearly 2 years ago.. I don't have a drug no matter how this might sound.. Actually I would love to quit weed.. and often try but once its night and those flashbacks are there all my strength is taken away..
--

Now i have tried to live with this.. i have tried to tough it out.. i tried tons of things excluding seeing a profressional which is pretty much out of the question..

I feel really guilty about me making such a big deal out of it and I always tell myself it isn't so bad and I can deal with it.. I feel horrible about making it my girlfriends problem too (she stays with me most the time when they are happening)... But no matter how hard i try and tell myself i can deal with it.. when they are happening i cannot deal with it all.. i feel helpless.. like i do not want to live..

What is wrong with me so I can start figuring out a way to fix this and live a normal life with the girl I am going to marry?.. PTSD is the sickness that most closely relates mine i think so i thought it would be a good place to start. my fiance is convinced thats whats wrong with me.

---

Thanks For anyones help ahead of time.. and please don't tell me to report that guy, or the rape because i have no intention of doing that.

-p.s.-- i have had several concussions as well if that makes any difference---

Replies(7)

AnywhereButHere

replied on June 27th, 2009

New User

I've had PTSD for the last 20 years from childhood abuse, but refused to get diagnosed for the first 18. Denial anyone? Don't make the mistake of thinking it is just going to go away one day, that is just not how it works. You can find a therapist now or after you have made every effort to destroy your life and yourself. You will probably need the help of a psychiatrist at some point. There is help out there and it will make your life so much easier.

While in therapy, I read "I Can't Get Over It-A Handbook for Trauma Survivors" and it was very helpful in sorting through everything. It is not something that you should do without being under the care of a therapist or doctor. It causes serious triggers and all the symptoms that go along with that.

For some reason, the picture of PTSD was much more clear after I read about how traumatic memories are stored and retrieved in the amygdala (part of the brain). As you already know, these memories are different and are well beyond just reasoning through them.

Good luck and I'm sorry you had a traumatic childhood.

sheabutter09

replied on August 18th, 2009

New User

I'm sorry you had to go through so many horrible things. I'm really proud that you left the cocaine alone, even though I don't know you. I am 19 also, but I am a female with similar problems but not as worst. I am also having problems trustin my 3 year spouse. I pray everyday so I'll make sure to pray for you too. God Bless

goldenmaple

replied on October 22nd, 2009

New User

I am not sure if you are still reading replies to your original post, but I can relate to you. I am now a 42 year old woman with three beautiful children. I have been married for 13 years. I am just now dealing with my childhood abuse, all different and unrelated perpetrators. My marriage is crumbling because for 13 years I thought I could suppress everything and be someone else. My husband never had anything adverse in his life and didnt know alot of my past.

I have found a great therapist (at the encouragement of my husband to save our marriage) and she has been able to clarify the connection between my drug crazed, promiscous early lifestyle and where I am now, tracing it all back to my abusive childhood (molestation, aggravated stalking, robbed(2 x') and sexually assaulted).

I thought I dealt with it. I can sit here and tell you I knew it was not my fault. I am an educated woman, I have been successful in life and most people wouldlook at me and NEVER imagine the struggle I deal with. It is not daily, but periodic.

I am about to start a new treatment, EMDR. I hope it helps.

When I read your post, it breaks my heart because I know you are still trying to protect everyone but yourself. You have to protect yourself now, for you and your future. Believe me, it will come back and you will be forced to deal with it at one time or another. Do it while you are young so you can be free to live your life with no guilt, fear and disgust.

Trust me on this one! I waited too long and lived with the pain for way too long!!!

advice123456789

replied on October 31st, 2009

New User

I understand how you feel. Unpleasant memories can be tireless. I've done some things myself that are so repulsive that I wouldn't mind forgetting about them entirely. However, instead of letting burn like coals on the top of my head, I decided to accept them as my past and bury them as mistakes. Since I was acting impurely, its natural that the memories I have of those events are unpleasant. Since realizing what I did was wasn't good, I decided not to repeat my mistakes. In that way, I have overcome them. Instead of my shame taunting me, beckoning me towards destruction, those tragic memories now serve me, cheering me on as I become wiser and freer. My disgust with those events is the testimony of how I truly feel and of who I truly am. Our souls are pure, clean and clear. No amount of garbage can change our core identity. When you realize that deep down your intentions are good, and that your sorrow is your testimony, the burden of any transgressions will lift.

As for what has happened to you and the things that you have been subjected to, take comfort in your endurance. If you accept what you have suffered as the chaos testing you, then you can draw strength from your resilence. What happened to you wasn't right, and I think you know this now. Let your experiences give you wisdom, not drag you down. Take control over your thoughts, make them serve you. If you live like a nobly, enduring and kind, peace will flood over your suffering like the ocean above the sea floor. No joke, you can be free of your pain if you realize these things that happened aren't you, they're just chaos. I can tell, simply from what you wrote, that you are ultimately good. Like Socrates says from the book 'The Way of the Peaceful Warrior', "take out the garbage". Once you've done that you can happily enjoy a peaceful life.

Feel free to post. May the light be with you.

gmoorephx

replied on November 3rd, 2009

New User

When i was little I dealt with a smilar thing, unfortunately I still block most of it out. When i was little my family and I went to the Hot Tub (it was when we lived in oregon, it was a late summer night and getting Cold) Our Uncle was with us, because it was in his complex. I stayed in for a little longer than expected...my family getting out (my mom and sister) and I stupidly stayed in with my uncle. He...did things...it hurt so bad...gah getting emotional again. I've never ever been able to trust anyone since, not even my family, friends, anyone. Sometimes i can't even trust myself. I'm terrified that they'll hurt me...that they'll do something to hurt me...emotionally and physically.

It wasn't the first time he had done things...there had been the time he came out of nowhere at the train tracks...while i was walking the dog. i was with my sister and my brother and i tried so hard to call to them...but he was so strong...i couldn't do anything. Even today i block out most of those memories. The swimming pool...the hill...the hike...even the church.

I can only faintly remember little things, just memories really of the parts wher i was happy and glimpses, flases really, of what happened before i block them out again. it hurts...i don't wanna be hurt anymore....Too much...too much already

advice123456789

replied on November 3rd, 2009

New User

gmoorephx-

the more you think about it the more it'll nip at you. You can't change the past, so accept those experiences for what they were- terrible tragic events that no one really ought to go through. If you allow them to get to you, then you're still letting that guy's energies control you and abuse you. If you want to become free of this burden, then you've got to put forth the effort to take control of your mind. You may have felt powerless back then, but there's no reason to be like that now. Strengthen your resolve to defend yourself and avoid situations that seem dangerous. Its natural not to fully trust those who haven't proven their character. It's also natural to fight back against an aggressor so allow yourself the power to vanquish evil, and never surrender to it.

If you're having trouble trusting yourself, I suggest you make an active campaign to discover and solidify your beliefs. Meditation and contemplation are the tools for this. Think deeply about reality, the nature of good and evil, intentions, action and consequence, and other living beings. Once you give it thought, you may see that we are creatures with minds that experience peace when living nobly and suffer (or become depraved) when we act immorally. I suggest you dedicate yourself to the pursuit of peace and control of mind. By doing this, you can achieve freedom from internal anguish and have an invincible foundation on which to rely upon.

Peace.

xDani

replied on November 9th, 2009

New User

Now, the only reason i clicked this post was to find out what PTSD was, after reading this, i just feel the need to tell you how much of an amazing person i think you are, and you are totally admirable. you should be so proud of yourself for coming through this and still here, i can't imagine what this must be like for you. I'm sure that you will be fine. You've come this far! You should be so proud of yourself! Your an amazing example for anyone who has ever been through anything that relates to your life experiences.

I'm sure that everything will turn out fine Smile

. You should feel proud of yourself!

Smile

. Good luck with your condition =). <33

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