I began in elementary school at the age of 5. Everyday my mother put me into a polo shirt, pants, tucked my shirt tail in, and sent me off to school evveryday to be bullied and harrased by the kids at public school for the way I dressed. Being fully aware of this, I asked quite simply for my mother to allow me to wear t-shirts, not tuck in my shirts, and maybe get me some tennis shoes, but she declined. So, I spent my earliest years mostly by myself with the exception of my 3 other outcast friends. We spent out time doing IT work for the school and began gaining great knowledge of both the psychology of those who picked on us, the social dynamics of the reasons they did so, and also lots of great computer tech info... we were making webpages in html by the 3rd grade. I got the principal's student of the year award my graduating year, which is the most prestigous achievement from the school. My scores remained in the 98th percentile...meaning only 2% of students in the nation performed better than me. After getting out of elementary school, my mother decided that the schools near by were not sufficient and that I needed to go to private school. I was very opposed, and she said that its sad that the schools in our black neighborhood are not as good, but that we had to live there to be among our own kind. The neighborhood was just full of retirees and there were no kids. I had a great reason to hate the neighborhood and now I had a whole new reason to hate it. I thought this ideaology was dumb then, but there was obviously nothing I could do. SO, I went through the process of applying to the private schools. I got into 2 school one that used to be a militry academy, filled with the state's trustfund babies, legacies, and rich republicans and a cheaper montessori school which was the school for all the more liberal folks from the downtown area (still qualified as college prep but just far different teaching style). I wanted to go to the montessori school obviously, I felt it was more connected to me and that the teaching style was better... but at this point my mom still "knew what was best for me" and sent me to the military school. By this point I wanted to do everything in my power to show her that I hated it. I started getting nothing but Cs and became sort of alternative. I hated the school a lot. I didnt get along with anyone and I hated hearing and being around the people. I was always in trouble too. I hit some kid for annoying me in 6th grade. In 8th grade some kid kept calling me a !**@!, so I tore up all of his books and pissed on them. This was the time that I started hating my father. We were getting regular phone calls from creditors about the house, which my father was about to lose. Somtimes the phone didnt work for days and weeks. I thank god the electricity never went out... I didnt understand why my parents were paying 18k or more a year for me to go to school and the housse was getting taken away and the phone being cut off regularly (though these were things my father was supposed to be taking care of). Further I didnt understand why my dad continued with his "business" on the side which was basically just throwing away money. This is when I started smoking pot. I just wanted to die. I hated them I didnt understand why their decisions were the way they were and why they would continue. I later found out that my dad refinanced the house to start a business and obviously couldnt pay back the loan for the house (that he made the designs for nonetheless). Now our mortgage was 2 times the worth of the house. SO at this point I hated my life and I couldnt be secure about anything. I smoked pot everyday beginning in 8th grade right up to today. I wanted to die. I tried killing myself a few times and gave up and started taking psychedelics on a sometimes daily basis. Although I purposefully destroyed my grades my test scores indicated my performance at 98 percentile... still making me one of the smartest kids in the nation. I toughed it out through the school dealing with the regular detentions for not having my shirt tail tucked in. The deans knew me very well, but never expected that I did the things that I did. SKip ahead to senoir year. I hated my friends, they were see through fake rich idiots. I hated my parents and I hated my own life still. I got into Hampshire College. I went to Hampshire only to find that naturally like at home a bunch of racist idiots composed the student body, and the only reason anyone would go to the school other than to truly learn with the great system was to get "in" usualy based on how much money they had. My parents made a mockery of paying... I got a small scholarship based on my SAT scores (around 1900), but seeing them in the financial aid office was embarrassing enough. Now my parents have me caught, in this youre not smart enough unless you go to grad school kind of thing (along with my girlfriend and others), but I KNOW they cant afford it. THey complain about the cost of Hampshire and complain. I tell them they should not have had a kid anyway. Because of ridicule and racist comments being yelled at me during my time at hampshire I was forced to go on medical leave of absence for schizophrenia (because the school psych believed i was hearing voices and that people werent yelling at me). I think they were yelling at me because of my pot addiction, so they figured if they "make me have a bad trip" then ill stop doing it. Its so dumb its things like this that cause the great abuses of power in our world, when ridiculous stupid people can engage themselves in groups and force their ways on everyone else. I had been doing very well engaging myself in neuroscience, but every night not spent in the lab, I had to listen to the party music, deal with the rich preppy idiots saying stupid drunken comments in class, and deal with people yelling racial slurs at me for being a first year taking grad level classes. I switched to UMASS Amherst, and due to my awful study habits from grade school, my grades arent good enough for grad school (needing at least B+ in core classes). Now I want to switch back to Hampshire (so I can a least be happy with my research) and my parents are complaining about the cost. As though they hadnt planned the 4 years of my being there. Its all my parents fault that my life is falling apart, my stupid controlling mother and my half assed debt ridden excuse of a father. He was always so angry about everything, yelling at this and that and giving even worse explanations for things than my mother(whose method was always because I say so). Now, my current girlfriend approaches my anger with this air of like you are angry because youre poor. I hate it I hate it to death... She flaunts her riches traveling around the world claiming to study developmental economics. The field of study im in is closely related to social psychology, and I feel far mmore prepared to conduct a meaningful study, but I watch people and others like her who are unprepared and idiotic march around the world like the have purpose ( I worked in the office of the head prof of physics he had one student who was trying to do a major on tarrot card reading and another who wrote a 30 page non sensical papr on philosophy). I hate everything in my life. If my mom could have just been less relentless in one way...let me go out, not made me the center of ridicule early on, and let me have some say in my education I feel like I would be happier and fitter. I am pretty much ok. I have a marijuana addiction, but I am already half way to making the amount (800/week) that I need to survive comfortably. Further, I realised that I hardly need college. Its a lot of work but working 9-midnight everyday will cover my expenses and allow me to save just around 1k a month. I know that ill be ok afterward, but my parents still insist that I should try for Grad school. My mom informed me the other day that they had taken out 5k in loans in my name to fund my school, and I was pissed. If they cant even afford me why did they have a kid in the first place, and why should I have to put up with it. I am a very smart person, and I know I just have to prepare myself for a life of bureaucratic work. I dont mind this, but what angers me off is knowing that people like my girlfriend exist. All those people at hampshire..trust fund babies and people who dont even know if theyll make it through that simple little college. I can only pray not to be exposed to them again ever in my life, but theyll be there.
Anyways, do you think given all this that I am justified in hating them? My girlfriend says im not, but what does she know, her parents own apartments and have money coming in like its nothing. Isnt it wrong for my parents to be losing their house and having the phone cut off while paying for me to go to private school THAT I DONT WANT TO BE IN, isnt it wrong for my mom's policies to take control over my life when she could never justify anything beyond "because I said so", isnt it wrong that my father's anger rubbed off on me and that I had to be exposed to it, and isnt it wrong that I even have to know how bad my parents are? I think im going to hate them anyway, because it doesnt make sense what they did... its embarrassing that they went into Hampshire knowing that they couldnt pay... im sure thats going to help a lot with the stereotype !**@! I have to deal with already. I hate it. I have never been secure in my life. Its great that they could provide for me even though a lot of parents cant, but I think that theres a serious problem with people's heads who have babies already debt ridden with low incomes... its stupid...why bring a child into the world who must live through suffering and pain? I dont know man....
I know they "struggled"
but their decisions could have made this struggle much less and could have made me happy
I hate them.
Saving 