I'm just wondering if there's anything out there for people who cant afford mental heath help.
I've been so depressed for the past couple of years and I cant tell anyone. My family already has too many problems to deal with and I dont want to burden them about something as silly as my feelings and sometimes I just feel like they'd blow it off as something not important. I dont want to burden them with the cost of professional help, since it's so expensive and my parents cannot afford. I dont want to stress them out. They have been very good to me.
I just want to get better. I constantly think of how I dont deserve to live and how I should just kill myself. Sometimes I go for months without feeling sad but it always comes back and everytime it gets worse than last time.
I'm too scared to actually commit suicide. I'm to scared to cut my wrists, I have no access to a gun, I'm dont know a place in my apartment that would support my weight so I could hang myself, I'm not even sure of where to buy good rope, I'm not sure of what pills will kill me or just make me a vegatable, I'm too afraid of heights to jump, and I cant gas myself because there's always someone near me and I dont want to kill them too and I'm not even sure how I would even do that.
The only thing I know for sure is what time of day is perfect, so that no one could save me. It's when my dad goes to pick up my sister from work. By that time my other sister is usually out, my mom is at work, and my dad takes the dog with him. I'd have an hour to do it.
I'm a little mortified that I even planned everything except the actual dying itself. I know that I would want to write down why I decided to end my life, why it's no one's fault that I decided to, what I'd want them to do with my stuff, and that I love them. Ugh I even know where I'd want to place the damn letter just so that they can even find it. I know that I'd try to make it so that I dont make a mess. I'd leave them a list of what people should be informed of my death (friends they dont know I have, etc.) and how to contact them. I'd ask if they'd get my braces finally removed. I've had them for 2 years more than I expected and I'm not going down in a grave or cremated with them on! (hahaha)
I hate that I sometimes have a sense of humor about my own death.
That's another thing. Somtimes I wont even feel depressed and I'd think about killing myself. Sometimes I'd think about it like it's something that I'm supposed to do or some chore that I'd have to get around to doing later. Most girls planned out their wedding when they were younger, I planned out my funeral. -__- I really dont understand myself at all.
Maybe I'm insane too?
Anyways I'm just wondering if there was anybody I could speak to and get help without putting any burden upon my family.
Maybe I just need someone to talk to, because it did make me feel a little better just posting this up.
Wow. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain and could really use someone to talk with.
Do you have a 24 hour crisis line in your area that you can call? They have staff who are great listeners (and its free).
It sounds like you are suffering from depression. Depression is a serious condition and not one to be taken lightly. When you are depressed, you are not necessarily making good decisions.
If you do nothing else, please see a doctor and tell them about the thoughts you are having about suicide and planning your funeral.
You do not have to live in this kind of dark space. When I started antidepressants, it was like someone turned the lights on in my life. I had forgotten how it felt to feel good.
Please do not consider suicide. Our family has dealt with it and it is horrible. Families never get over the guilt and wondering what they missed and how they could have prevented their loved one's death. No note you could leave would ever be enough to take their pain away. Just don't do that.
Depression is every bit as serious as other illness. I'm sure if your family knew how you were feeling, they would not see it as a burden to help you.
Do you have any friends you can talk with?
I strongly believe that therapy and medication together are the best treatment for depression. Many cities have low-cost or free therapy available to people with lower incomes.
Try searching the internet for counseling services. Some private counselors will take a case or two pro-bono (free) or on a sliding scale basis.
There is help available, but you might have to dig a little to find it. The support of your family, a close friend, or your family doctor could make finding resources easier on you.
I'm really glad that you posted here. It shows that you do want to feel better again and that you are looking for solutions. Keep reaching out. There are a lot of people who care.