Relationships and Marriage
I am from another country and left my family and friends to marry the man of my dreams. We have been married for 15 years and don't have any children -- my husband has never been interested in having children. Five years ago, my husband quit his job and started his own business and got us in credit card debt. We owe close to $50,000 to the banks and don't own a home. I have a good paying job and thanks to that, I have been able to help my husband keep his business alive.
I am close to 40 years old now and it has been twice this year that he has told me that I am not his "type." He said he married me because I have a nice personality and I had a "nice body." I work out every day and keep myself fit, however, I am not in my 20's any more. Twice he has told me this year that his preference of girls are blondes in their 20s. He says he is just being honest and that he is not the only one who thinks like that. He says that most men prefer blondes too. Also, he has expressed for the last four years how much he hates seeing interracial couples in the streets. One day he was too drunk and told me that he was still married to me because he liked the fact that I made a good income but that should we ever get a divorce, he would date only blondes. He says white people belong to white and that he married me because he thought I was white and that had he known that I was not white, he would not have married me, but I was too nice and he liked that.
He is not interested in having a relationship with my family. When I visit my family I always go by myself because he hates the fact that I hang out with them too much (I visit them once a year). I sometimes think that my husband sees them as second-class citizens.
My husband and I are intimate once or twice a month. He says he is too old for that although he is only 2 years older than me.
My parents are ill and I am not going to have them around for too long and I am very close to them. I feel that I am wasting my time with my husband. Everybody around me feels the same way too. I am in love with him but I feel that he is using me. I am so angry right now that I want to divorce him and I don't even want to go to a therapist -- my husband would never go to one by the way. The day I went to a therapist five years ago, the therapist urged me to get a divorce, so I didn't go back to see him again.
I have expressed my concerns to my husband but he says he sometimes talks without thinking and asks me for forgiveness and says he will not talk like that again.
Do you think that my husband is using me or am I over reacting? Is there something wrong with my self esteem or do I need to be a little more open-minded?
I am close to 40 years old now and it has been twice this year that he has told me that I am not his "type." He said he married me because I have a nice personality and I had a "nice body." I work out every day and keep myself fit, however, I am not in my 20's any more. Twice he has told me this year that his preference of girls are blondes in their 20s. He says he is just being honest and that he is not the only one who thinks like that. He says that most men prefer blondes too. Also, he has expressed for the last four years how much he hates seeing interracial couples in the streets. One day he was too drunk and told me that he was still married to me because he liked the fact that I made a good income but that should we ever get a divorce, he would date only blondes. He says white people belong to white and that he married me because he thought I was white and that had he known that I was not white, he would not have married me, but I was too nice and he liked that.
He is not interested in having a relationship with my family. When I visit my family I always go by myself because he hates the fact that I hang out with them too much (I visit them once a year). I sometimes think that my husband sees them as second-class citizens.
My husband and I are intimate once or twice a month. He says he is too old for that although he is only 2 years older than me.
My parents are ill and I am not going to have them around for too long and I am very close to them. I feel that I am wasting my time with my husband. Everybody around me feels the same way too. I am in love with him but I feel that he is using me. I am so angry right now that I want to divorce him and I don't even want to go to a therapist -- my husband would never go to one by the way. The day I went to a therapist five years ago, the therapist urged me to get a divorce, so I didn't go back to see him again.
I have expressed my concerns to my husband but he says he sometimes talks without thinking and asks me for forgiveness and says he will not talk like that again.
Do you think that my husband is using me or am I over reacting? Is there something wrong with my self esteem or do I need to be a little more open-minded?
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I think every indication that he is giving you is that he wants out...He sounds to me like he is getting you deeper and deeper in debt....You must ask yourself, what have you got to gain and what have you got to lose?...
Good luck,
Caroline
Good luck,
Caroline
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Users who thank JavaMissus for this post:
marylander38
Hi Marylander 38. I agree with CarolineEF. For someone to call you a rude name without thinking - that can be blamed on speaking without thinking. The things your husband has said (and on numerous occasions) only indicates that those are his true feelings. Some of the things he has said are very personal and damaging to one's self-esteem.
I understand why you are thinking about this before making any rash decisions (as you said, you have been together for 15 years), but as Caroline asked, you must ask yourself, what have you really got to lose? And what have you got to gain? You are only 40 years old. Don't ever sell yourself short.
All the best,
Mina
I understand why you are thinking about this before making any rash decisions (as you said, you have been together for 15 years), but as Caroline asked, you must ask yourself, what have you really got to lose? And what have you got to gain? You are only 40 years old. Don't ever sell yourself short.
All the best,
Mina
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marylander38
I agree(100%) with CarolineEF, and mina2103, This man is a racist who thinks that he is better than you because of his race! You will never be accepted in this marriage.
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marylander38
Every detail you used to describe your husband indicates that he is most definitely using you. Think about it, if the positions were opposite and you were in debt, do you think he would stick around and support you like your supporting him. He doesn't deserve you, leave his ass. At least that's what I think, in the end only you can make that choice.
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marylander38
Thank you CarolineEF, Mina2103, bo21 and Legazki. I think you are all right. Although it's hard for me to just leave him because when he realizes that he has hurt me, he acts so sweet and nice to me. He says how much he loves me, makes me dinner every day, puts love notes on my bed, washes the dishes, calls me on my cell at work to tell me how much he loves me, and he goes grocery shopping. I don't have my family with me and nobody to talk to about this but you. It's hard for me to leave him because I am also afraid of being alone. I love my parents but moving back with them would only make me feel like a looser. My parents want me to move back with them because they don't like my husband and my parents would not want me to live alone either.
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Marylander, I 100% understand your fears. You have moved away from your country to be with this man because you wanted to make a life with him. You are inevitably going to worry about being alone if you leave him. You have grown to become dependant on him because he is the one person you have communicated with, shared your most personal experiences with for the past 15 years.
It is a lot easier for us to advise you to just up and leave your husband and I understand this too. But you need to realise that yes you moved away from your country but moving back to live there with your parents isn't taking a step back. That is what family is for and you should be happy to know that you have this luxury. Think of it this way the next time he charms you around into staying, what if you just ignore him charm and remind yourself of the horrible stuff he said just before that? Pack your bags and go stay with your parents for a while to get some space. Once you are away from this situation for a couple of weeks (with no communication) reassess the situation. Are you still madly in love with him? Or was it just the fear of being alone and the dependancy that kept you there?
It is a lot easier for us to advise you to just up and leave your husband and I understand this too. But you need to realise that yes you moved away from your country but moving back to live there with your parents isn't taking a step back. That is what family is for and you should be happy to know that you have this luxury. Think of it this way the next time he charms you around into staying, what if you just ignore him charm and remind yourself of the horrible stuff he said just before that? Pack your bags and go stay with your parents for a while to get some space. Once you are away from this situation for a couple of weeks (with no communication) reassess the situation. Are you still madly in love with him? Or was it just the fear of being alone and the dependancy that kept you there?
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marylander38
Hey marylander38
Your husband is not using you. Co-mingled finances are the norm in marriages. His business is leaning on you right now but if it was successful you wouldn't think you were leaning on him because your income was below your standard of living. He's working, you're working, you're both contributing to the family.
However it sounds very much like you both got something other than what you wanted. It's clear you care for one another. After 15 years there is undoubtedly a reason you have stuck together through tough times. I agree with Mina 2103 that you should go spend some time with your parents and sort things out. They need your support right now and you need some time to get perspective on what you want and how possible it is in your marriage. If you want things to work with this man you are going to have to communicate your needs to him and make him understand that your happiness is not optional, it is his responsibility as your husband.
Good luck.
Your husband is not using you. Co-mingled finances are the norm in marriages. His business is leaning on you right now but if it was successful you wouldn't think you were leaning on him because your income was below your standard of living. He's working, you're working, you're both contributing to the family.
However it sounds very much like you both got something other than what you wanted. It's clear you care for one another. After 15 years there is undoubtedly a reason you have stuck together through tough times. I agree with Mina 2103 that you should go spend some time with your parents and sort things out. They need your support right now and you need some time to get perspective on what you want and how possible it is in your marriage. If you want things to work with this man you are going to have to communicate your needs to him and make him understand that your happiness is not optional, it is his responsibility as your husband.
Good luck.
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marylander38
I'm wondering if your husband is a moody person.From what you're saying,sometimes he's mean,sometimes he's sweet.It must be hard to deal with that.I think it's a big red flag that he won't even try therapy.The bottom line is that you either decide to accept the way he is or you don't and you move on.If you stay,do you think you will be miserable the rest of your life?
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is my husband using me
My opinion is because your husband already fell comfortable with the situation that he have now he stuck on you, he scare if he move to another girl than the situation wont be like he gonna have now with you, in other hand he still dreaming to have a dream girl that he want to have. cheers
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i can relate to your story a lot with the attraction issue and being in debit. i had the same issue with my ex boyfriend. he said the same horrible things to me. he's attracted to a certain type of women, he criticized me from head to toe. thanks to his step dad who taught him how to be a monster to women. when i left him five years later i had to repair my credit and my self esteem.
my current boyfriend tells me how gorgeous i am, and his eyes pop out when he sees me in lingerie.
your husband doesnt appreciate you, and he probably never will. his nice behavior will be short lived. your therapist probably knows you more than anyone here. if they told you to leave him, then they probably had good reason to say that.
i dont mean to be rude, but you will come to that conclusion, next month, next year, and the year after.
everyone wanted me to leave my ex, and i stayed with him because i was still in love with him. that's one thing us women have to learn how to do....let go of someone that isnt good for us, even with strong feelings.
if you loose your good job, what will happen to your marriage?
my current boyfriend tells me how gorgeous i am, and his eyes pop out when he sees me in lingerie.
your husband doesnt appreciate you, and he probably never will. his nice behavior will be short lived. your therapist probably knows you more than anyone here. if they told you to leave him, then they probably had good reason to say that.
i dont mean to be rude, but you will come to that conclusion, next month, next year, and the year after.
everyone wanted me to leave my ex, and i stayed with him because i was still in love with him. that's one thing us women have to learn how to do....let go of someone that isnt good for us, even with strong feelings.
if you loose your good job, what will happen to your marriage?
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A man shouldn't treat any human being like this little own his wife. When he says he talks before he thinks he is just covering for being an a**. He knows if he tells you sweet things after cutting you down he can appease you till the next time. It sounds like your his meal ticket and he knows it but slips up and has to cover his tracks so you won't take that away from him. I personally find your husbands comments offensive not just for you but for every blonde and/interacial couple out there and so should you. He is disrespectful on so many levels and does not deserve your support. I know it's easier said than done but you need to start disconnecting and prepare to get out. Dye your hair blonde, take his pants hand him his bills for his business and tell him your leaving to live with and take care of your sick parents and don't let him talk you out of it. After your have separated yourself from the situation you can take the time to see things from a distance and separate yourself from the feelings.
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Well, he stopped talking that way. He apologized and said he would never say anything like that because he knew it hurt me. Lately, he has been mr. nice. He has been like the perfect man. I wonder how long this will last.
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im new to this but will some plz give me advice,i been with my husband 20 years.for the last 2 if we talk we fight.all he wants is his computer ,he on it before i get up and on it when i leave to go to work,,he is disabled,when i get off work he is a sleep,he doesnt even try for sex no more at all,if i grip anoth used to he would and i felt like i made him but now he just doesnt bother,i feel unloved and used,i feel he stays with me because he used to me,he only smiles when hes on his computer or his mom or brother come over,if i say to much to him while he on the computer he will get made go set in another room away from me till i go to work i have told him how i feel he says nothing wrong.the only thing i havent did is walk away .what should i do???does he just want me to leave is that what he trying to make happen?someone plz give me advise ,i have know friends he was my only friend
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Hi ckat and welcome to ehealth: I read your post twice attempting to find the bits and pieces that make a good marriage...From my understanding of life, they are all missing...Would I live like this?...No....Will you live like this?....This, alone is for you to answer...You are still young...It sounds to me like he has gotten himself into a form of living that he enjoys...The only problem is that it is not with you....He is married to the computer and his Mother and brother....He has everything in reverse order only you should be his first thought....They should follow, but only when they do not interfere with the two of your happiness...Sex should be in your relationship...A woman need this....He may be disabled, but he has hands and a mouth to love you with...Honey, these are my thoughts....I send you my love...Take care...
Caroline
Caroline
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ummhh
you know what you have to do you know in your heart YOU choose not too
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no, he's not using you. it seems that what he wanted was a subservient mail-order bride to take care of the baseline business of marriage while he does as he pleases.
girl, bail from that creep and get a man who wants you for yourself and not your role in his personal universe.
girl, bail from that creep and get a man who wants you for yourself and not your role in his personal universe.
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