Medical Questions > Relationships > Relationships and Marriage Forum

Is my husband gay? (Page 1)

I have been married for 13 years and don't have any children. However after one year into my marriage, my husband admitted to me that before we got married he had sex with other men. He didn't have intercourse, but he did go to a hotel with another man and had oral sex. He did this about 3 times, he said. He also said he was only experimenting.
Five years ago he wanted a threesome with another woman (he was into women and called himself a "womanizer" although he only liked to watch beautiful women but never cheated on me -- so he said). The threesome was a painful experience because all he did was kissed the girl all night long and completely ignored me. He said he was too drunk and didn't realize. He said he kissed her because she had a beautiful face. He has never kissed me like that, by the way. He says my breathe stinks even though I have tried everything to fix it. I even asked people I trust if my breathe smelled and they said no (I don't eat garlic or onion, I only eat salads). My husband doesn't like to cuddle and doesn't like to kiss. When we have sex, he closes his eyes and kisses my cheek or my neck, but nothing else.
A couple of months ago, I found out he had created a Yahoo profile and was soliciting sex with another man. They exchanged pictures and he told the other guy that he was perfect for him and that he had enjoyed himself while watching his naked picture. He also told the guy that he was available during weekdays (I go to work every day while he stays home working from his home office). My husband suggested to the other guy about having a threesome with me.
My husband is too much of the "manly" type and hates gay men. He thinks it's too gay to walk a poodle, but he doesn't think it's gay to have oral sex with another man. I think he is gay and is only using me as an excuse to be with a man.
After I confronted him, he said he would never write that type of emails again, but now he is looking for threesomes and is writing to couples so that we can have a threesome with a guy and from time to time he would like me to be with the woman, even though I told him I am not into threesomes and I am not bisexual. Is he gay? About 8 years ago we watched a porn movie and it was about lesbian women and he liked that. Somehow I think that he is in his middle life crisis and he is now coming out of the closet.
Did you find this post helpful?
|

replied January 31st, 2009
Community Volunteer
Hi Mary: I think that without a doubt that your husband is gay...He has probably fought this all his life but can't fight it any longer...The question would bother me if he has ever had sex with another man...The problem being, if this is true then you would be open to STD's, which is very serious...It really does not matter if a man is manly looking or acting, as this is a sexual want that they have for another man, just as a woman feels this same sexual passion for another woman..

I would say that his sexual urges are becoming more prominent...Maybe mid-life or maybe admitting more to himself what his sexual preference is...I found it interesting when you talked of a threesome with another woman that all he did was kiss her all night...No sex...Just kissing...IMO, he is showing you that he would rather kiss her than you...Kind of slapping you in the face in his own way....You do not deserve this as you are a wonderful woman but honey, sexually, he just doesn't like women....I think that he has fought this all his life and he is tired of fighting it...

It is my belief and mine only, that once a man has crossed over and admitted to himself that he sexually wants another man, that a woman will never be able to sexually control him again...By this I do not mean "control" as you do this, but he will never need her sexually as she will never be able to sexually do for him what another man can do...Honey, this is not your fault anymore than it would be mine...We just don't have the right equipment to function sexually the way that another male can do to another male...

I am sure you will feel bad but don't be sorry...It is nothing that you have done nor could have stopped...The seed was planted years ago and from what I can understand this is before he was born....In the last few weeks I have learned a new acceptance of life and who we are....We are all so different.....But, many of us pretend and try to be what we were supposed to be....

You deserve to be kissed...You deserve to be loved with the passion of the God's....What you do with your life is up to you, but I would hesitate having intercourse with this man if there is any chance that he has been sexual with another man...Have him wear a condom...Here you could be playing with your life...

Please understand that this is only the opinion of another woman...No professional training, only a woman...

I send you all my love,
Caroline
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 1st, 2009
Thank you, Caroline
I told my husband yesterday that we were not meant to be for each other. I can't satisfy his needs and I am not going to do something I am not comfortable doing. So he said he is going to quit his job in three months and move to another state.
This was not the first time we talked about these issues, so he said that the next time I brought them up that he would just pack his bags and leave. I would hate to see him go because I love him, but it freaks me out to know what his sexual preferences are and that I could easily get STDs because of him. I've lost 13 years of my life and I'm close to my 40's. I may have lost the chance to having a family, and I don't want to waste any more time.
He is 39 years old right now, is it too early to be in a mid-life crisis?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 1st, 2009
Community Volunteer
Dear Mary:

This has nothing to do with mid-life crisis...It is about who he is and what he tried to be....He tried to be a loving husband to you, but he can't anymore than you could do the things that he wanted...I am sure that this has been hard for him, but so much more hurtful for you....Don't hate him for what he is, but let him move on and accept this happening as we are all different...

You are young...You have only just begun...Find a man that loves you for all that you are..Who says that a family is not in your future....Just be happy that you got through this without any medical problems...

What you have encountered happens to many women....Maybe with your bringing this forward, it will help one truly find herself and move on...

I send you all my best wishes...Please feel free to PM me anytime if you ever have a need......

Love,
Caroline
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied February 1st, 2009
Experienced User
let be rough here
Years ago Human kind invented something is called suitcases, get one if you dont have money go to a Salvation Army ask for the supervisor, they will give you one for free, fill the suitcase with your stuff, and leave. You dont need this, leave him, and my advise to you divorce him. His morals are very poor and you dont need this do this before getting an infectious diseases, like HIV or Hepatitis, you have no children so you are ok.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 23rd, 2009
I think my partner is having a gay affair!
I have been trying to find out if my partner is having a gay affair but have been unsuccessful. I have suspected this for quite some time. I need to talk to someone but all the people I know think that I am being rediculous or am sick minded, please HELP!!!!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 23rd, 2009
Community Volunteer
Hi Megzie and welcome to ehealth....We are here to help anyway that we can....

Caroline
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 24th, 2009
Were do I start!! This guy has been hanging around for the past fifteen years and over time the relationship betweem him and my partner has grown very strong. This doesn't suprise me, as they have known each other for quite sometime. What does concern me is that this guy buys my partner new clothes, they go to lunch together and work out of town together. When my partner goes out throughout the day, I can't always contact him, I then find that they have been together somewhere and when I do finally catch up with my partner to ask where he was, he lies. I have six children to him and have been with this guy for the past seventeen yeers. If we have an arguement over his friend or I question where or what he has been up to, my partner is always very defensive of his friend and starts saying I am mental or sick. Recently, after my partner came home from night clubbing, we had sex and after we had finished he says "I love your c__k" and repeats it. I jumped out of bed disgusted and went to sleep in the loungeroom. When we do have sex it is usually oral for him, with headjobs. He never foreplays with me, probably so I don't get too excited. He doesn't like to kiss me very much and he would rather do doggy style! When I asked him what the hell he was talking about, he replyed by saying, "Don't put the gay act on me". Then, a couple of days ago he was to go back to work, his friend rings him and asks him to leave a couple of days earlier then that. After I heard the response from my partner I realised this and said, "Oh God, tell him you will be with him soon enough!" My partner then told me to "Get F______". Then, the day they were supposed to go, they didn't and my partner calls me and says they are not going until tomorrow. I asked him when he would be home that day and he says in a couple of hours. I waited for him to come home all day, and finally he turned up at around 6.00pm. When I asked what he had been doing to take that long, he would not answer. I have so many questions and dfferent things that have happened I can't name them all. So, does anyone have an idea if he could be having an affair with this guy, or is it just my imagination????
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 18th, 2011
Omg your story sounds so fimiliar to mine, I've been with my children's father for 8 years, for the first year I was in heaven everything was going great..yet a year or so went by and things were off. I would catch him lying to me the sex went down the drain he made me feel so ugly my self esteem was so bad I would acuse him off cheating he would say am crazy. I started focusing more on my 2 children and my work now it dint seem strange not to have sex for weeks a time. He always sleeps with a pillow betwwen us there is no kissing or foreplay involve in our sexual he loves oral sex he gets super mad if I dnt want to performe it. To make a long story short he has a friend that for my opinion is to close for confort there firendship is very secretiave I have found he comes to our home when am @ work. I bothers me so so much when I confronted him he got so offensive saying he isl like a brother to him he dnt treat his real brothers like he treats this guy taken his married I ask if his your bff why can't he bring over his wife so we can all be friends he refuses I dnt know what to do or think am going crazy think he might be gay and am his cover girl help!!!!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied March 27th, 2009
Thank you, Vulcan.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied March 27th, 2009
Hi Megzie,

What makes you think your partner is having a gay affair?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied March 27th, 2009
Experienced User
he sounds like he's bi.
not gay.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied April 30th, 2009
Supporter
I agree with analisa it sounds like he's bi not gay. he should like he likes men on men and women on women porn.
if you tell him your not interested and he suppresses it, then both of you wont be happy.
i would suggest a therapist...but he would probably refuse to talk about it.
i have bisexual desires and i surpressed them because of my religious. i even talked to God about them......i dont know why i feel this way....please take this desire away from me.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied May 1st, 2009
Supporter
megzie
your partner could be gay or bi-sexual.
when he said "i love you c__k" he might've been imagining himself having sex with a guy. some words excites/stimulates people.
if i was in your situation i would want to know if i m his "cover up partner". like the former Governor mcgreevey was married with kids and he admitted he's gay. one would think he's bi-sexual. maybe he always had desires to have a family and tried to live
the life of a normal man fighting his urges.
get to the bottom of the story so you can figure out what your going to do.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 1st, 2009
Community Volunteer
Once a man has tasted another man sexually and been penetrated by man, I believe he is gay...He may be bi-sexual thinking and talking about it....However, when this hot sexual act is done between the two of them, he has then visited the place of no return...Complete sexual happiness....Woman will never be the same...Just my thoughts...

Caroline
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied May 1st, 2009
Supporter
but i thought theres two type of guys in this situation. i m only want to talk about the undercover ones that you cant tell by looking at them. i thought theres the guy that wants to be the one that have anal penetration done to them, and the other guy that refuse to do that but enjoys penetrating the guy...i thought that this guy could also have desires to be with women also.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 14th, 2009
is my husband gay
hi,
i will be married 18 years in oct and for 13 of these i have been battling weather my husband is gay or bisexual since he admitted to me that he slept with another man once(and i believe it was once as we were with each other 24/7) and it 'blew his mind'(in a good way for him)but my world was torn apart. i was devestated as we have three children and my life revolved around my family. i am now 41 years, still a very attractive lady and i have decided to leave him.i hung on for as long as i could(till the kids were old enough, and hoping his desire for other men would go away) but it doesn't. AND I, deserve more. i want to be desired now in a way he could never disere me and i too want to desire. Life is too short and even though i'm terrified of the split(I've been with him since i was 16)I am ready now.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 14th, 2009
Community Volunteer
Hello newwoman and welcome to ehealth: Yours is one of the sad stories in life...Unfortunately there are far too many of them...A woman needs to be totally desired...She needs to give herself to a man who could devour her body as she could his...Unless this can happen, she is being cheated out of life...You are young..You are just growing into the hot sexual woman who you will be...Maybe this is what is burning in you now...The ache for passion that you have been missing...As you say, you have thought of this...It is not a sudden decision...Then go and find your peace...Being a woman that is loved as I am, I send you all my best wishes to find just a bit of what I have found...Once you find it, hold onto it and enjoy it the rest of your life....

Much love to you,
Caroline
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Users who thank JavaMissus for this post: newwoman 

replied July 14th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey Mary as well as Megzie.
Gay men have sex with men. It is the defining trait of their sexuality. In both of your stories the men in your lives sound like bisexuals, possibly moving towards homosexuality. However, it doesn't matter whatsoever what their preference is. The men you described are monsterously inconsidderate, secretive, insulting and just plain mean. Nobody should ever make you feel like an outsider in your own relationship. You need to take an adamant stand with your husbands and tell them their behavior is unacceptable. They are married to a woman that needs to be communicated with and given emotional support and their failure to treat you with the respect you deserve will no longer be tollerated. If things don't improve I hear they're handing out free suitcases at the Salvation Army.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 14th, 2009
Community Volunteer
My answer to this is once man has tasted and been penetrated by another man, he will never be happy...and may I add, she will never be safe from his lies or his diseases....
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 14th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Every bisexual, man or woman, is happy with women, it is one of the defining traits of their sexuality and the reason that husbands that are bisexual are with their wives rather than a man.

No woman who can't be honest with her man and demand honesty in return will be safe from "his lies". For men reading yeah you also have to be honest and demand honesty to be safe from "Her lies" too.
|
Did you find this post helpful?