Okay, this might be long. When I first met my husband, we were working together at a sports bar and we just talked occasionally. I honestly thought he was gay because he had....well....he just had that sort of voice. When I learned that he had a girlfriend, I was completely shocked and assumed she was either completely daft for not realizing he was gay and she was simply his coverup, or else she was head-over-heals. As time went on, we became closer friends but eventually he quit and found a new job. A few months later he went in to eat and we started talking - which led to him asking me out on a date.
We hit it off instantly. We could talk about anything and everything under the sun for hours on end, we were both very open-minded, both loved to travel and read and write. I got him interested in classical music, he got me interested in comedies and hookah. Within a few weeks of dating, I gave him my virginity - he was definitely not a virgin and was actually pretty lose during his bachelor years, so he was pretty experienced, but was very gentle and sweet about it all. After two months of dating, we both started talking about marriage and how much we loved each other, how close and open we were - he proposed three months later, and now we've been together 3 years and married for nearly 2.
Okay, so when we first met I was very open with him and told him I was bisexual, that I'd had only one sexual encounter with a female but that I had always known since I was young that I was attracted to both males and females. He loved the idea of me being bi and wanted me to do a threesome with him and another girl - it was one of his fantasies. So I agreed. It wasn't a big deal at all, we didn't get jealous or anything, and we actually became a stronger couple afterwards - which might seem strange to people that have never done it. Somewhere in the mix of discussing sex, I offhandedly said one day that it aroused me to see two men kissing - not having sex, just kissing.
As time went on, he gradually started talking about having another threesome with a man, saying that it might arouse me to see him being intimate with a male. I was for it, and though he 'seemed' hesitant at first (even told me that before he met me, he had hated gay men but that meeting me 'opened his eyes' to it all.) So we've had a few threesomes with men where he's given and received oral and had intercourse with two men. My husband loves to have his prostate stimulated and will sometimes ask me to put a finger up his bum and sometimes use a dildo, which I never minded.
So here's the catch that makes me uncertain. He watches bi porn a lot - by bi, I mean two guys and one girl. That's like his 'thing.' I've even noticed that he watched pure gay porn twice when I checked out the internet history. Our sex life recently has really dwindled. We have absolutely zero foreplay - usually he asks if I want to have sex, I say yes, I take off my clothes, he takes off his, I lie down, he puts it in, cums, voila. The end. I told him recently that he either needed to start warming me up beforehand or we need to invest in some lube, because my vagina is getting pretty sore from being so dry when he first puts it in. Since I said that, he's been half-heartedly trying to arouse me, but it all seems very rushed and kind of clumsy, like he's just in a hurry to put it in and could care less about my pleasure. I've never been able to orgasm EVER and he's been my only true sexual partner (I only had sex with one of the men we had threesomes with and kept my pants on during the other threesomes.)
Also, it doesn't seem like he could care less what I look like. When I first met him, I wouldn't step food out of the house without makeup on and looking presentable. He started telling me I didn't need makeup and sometimes would get impatient with waiting for me to get ready, so over time I quit wearing it. Now I only wear it for special occasions like going out to a bar or club or family gatherings. But he never compliments me when I look nice. The only compliment I've EVER gotten from his was, "You're beautiful," and "You're so sexy," <-----the latter being only when he wants sex from me. He's never once told me I'm gorgeous, pretty, have beautiful eyes, a lovely dress, NOTHING. Just, "You're beautiful," or "You're so beautiful." Hell, I get better compliments from my mom! And I'm always telling him how much I adore him, how much I love his blue eyes, his dimples, the red and gold in his facial hair, etc. I'm very specific because I love him and I want him to know that I'm still attracted to him. Also, whenever he goes to hang out with his friends or male cousins, he gets SUPER excited, like almost bubbly because he's so excited! He'll get all dressed up, fix his hair, puts on cologne, etc. which he doesn't even do for me! Hell, half the time I'm lucky if he showers twice in a week lol. He told me once that when he was a teenager, one of his cousins asked if he could put his penis between my husband's butt cheeks so that he could imagine what it would be like to have sex with a girl - so my husband pulled his pants down and let him. Ever since he told me that, I've really wondered if he's had other encounters with the males around him that I don't know about.
So what do y'all think? Is simply bi or is he really gay? I know it's hard to truly know, and since we're both open about our sexuality, it's not like I could really catch him at anything. I've never noticed anything strange on his facebook or phone. I have no problems with him being bi - I'm just scared that he might PREFER men to women. I love him to death but I'm terrified of getting my heart broken twenty years down the road when he finally admits that he's not just bi, that he's actually gay. Need advice please! He's very loving and very sweet all the time, he's really a good husband and a great friend to me as well! Sorry for this being so long, there's just so many details to it all, I really wanted everything listed on here. Thanks!
Hi i2Bwitchy and welcome to ehealth: Whether he is gay or bi should make no difference anymore than if you are bi or straight...Remember it was you who brought this equation into the relationship...As well as you who wanted the threesomes...IMO, when people experiment with their own sexuality, they can get into a heap of trouble...Their minds get confused...They can't decide which arousal is the most erotic...Thus your problem.
In all honesty, I guess my answer would be "no answer"...I wish you well...Take care...
I brought it into the equation because I had a journal I had been writing in for three years and he wanted to read it - as he thought if we knew everything about each other, we would be closer. I knew he would read about my ex-gf in it so I thought it would come better from me than from my diary - that's the only reason I brought it into the equation. I never told any of the other guys I dated that I was bi because I was afraid they would judge me for it - and since I'm attracted to both men and women equally, it was certainly no hardship for me to date men versus women. And sorry, but it was my husband that wanted each and every threesome. As I said, I kept my pants on with all but the final one and got absolutely no pleasure out of it - I was just doing it for him and I knew it wouldn't bother me emotionally, so why not try to do something for my husband that would make him happy? By the last one I was fed up that he kept getting all this pleasure while I wasn't (always felt that since he took my virginity, I wanted him to be my one and only, but it was getting ridiculous me just sitting there pleasing everyone but getting nothing in return.) So with the last one, I had sex with the guy.
": Whether he is gay or bi should make no difference anymore than if you are bi or straight"
-as I said, being bi has no bearing on our relationship, I could care less if he's BISEXUAL. It's if he HOMOSEXUAL that makes the difference. There's a big difference between being bisexual and homosexual - bi means you're attracted to both genders, males and females. Gay is just being attracted to men. Obviously I don't want to be married to someone who is only truly interested in men when I, myself, am a woman. How one earth could you think that it would make no difference in our marriage if he was gay???
Thanks for your help - I suppose I probably should post this on a gay/bi forum. I think they would understand more.
Stephanie: In your original post you inferred that it was you who brought the subject of your sexual history and the two of you talked about a threesome...IMO, only people who are bored with their own love play and relationship would delve into threesomes...As for me, I cannot see a gay or homosexual man, marrying a woman...It would repulse him as much as my marrying another woman would be to me.....Saying this, then you could label him bi......
Yes, I already mentioned that I'm the one who told him I was bi and I explained WHY I told him. I didn't feel the need to mention in the first post my reasoning as to why I told him, as me stating it was due to my journal seemed pretty pointless and certainly wasn't a necessary fact - I knew my entry was going to be pretty long so I didn't want to shove every little trivial detail into it.
Second, I posted this: He loved the idea of me being bi and wanted me to do a threesome with him and another girl - it was one of his fantasies
HE loved the idea of me being bi and HE wanted me to do a threesome with him and another girl because it was HIS fantasy - NOT MINE. HE was the one that brought it up and it was HIS friend that he used to work with that we wended up doing it with.
Third, threesomes aren't forbidden, I've known lots of people who have done them (just most don't tell others about them.) Ask any guy on the planet and they'll tell you that having a threesome is one of their top fantasies - and excuse me for wanting to give my husband one of his fantasies lol. Threesomes are only forbidden for individuals who can't seem to open up their minds and push their superficial jealousy aside.
And lastly, there has been TONS of gay men that have married straight women for MANY reasons. Some are afraid to tell their loved ones they're gay, so they marry a woman to prove to everyone they're not, or to show the world that they have a picture-perfect socially accepted family. Some desperately want children of their own, so they marry a woman. Google it - you'll find tons of cases where a gay spouse married a straight spouse. Sex with a woman doesn't repulse gay men lol they just PREFER the male body because that's what they're attracted to. Sheesh, it's not like they're having sex with a goat or something lmao.
You obviously don't know much at all about homosexuals or bisexuals and I'm really not looking for judgment or criticism - or in your case, non-answers. I came here seeking advice from others that might have experience with this type of thing, not close-minded straight people that choose to blame me over silly threesomes and spout nonsense about things they know nothing about. Are you married? Ask your husband tonight what he would think of you doing a threesome with another woman. Ask him in all seriousness and see what his response is lol. It has nothing to do with boredom with the relationship or dreary love play.
Hi Stephanie: I did switch this to the GLBT Topic...This is where it will get more response...As you can see I agree about the forbidden part...Changed that immediately....Also said your husband was bi....And many of these marriages do work...
As for asking my husband if he wanted a threesome, that is a joke...Not that it is wrong for some people, but that he and I are joined at the heart...Sexually, we are the most perfect match that was ever created...Yet, I can understand the yearning of a woman who needs another part of herself soothed...I only wish that every woman alive would know what true erotic happiness is...Know what it feels like to expose her soul to the man she loves....But, they don't....I wish you well...Be happy as I am happy...Take care...
Let me just start by saying that it must be really hard for you and I empathize with your situation. With your husband sending you mixed signals constantly, it must be difficult for you to stay grounded.
I would have expected more support from repliers who know what it's like to be kept questioning by sexually confusing/confused individuals, it is not a pleasant thing at all.
I also like the fact that you gave a lot of details, which makes it easier to answer you.
I do think some of the things you mention (like the gay porn, or him having intercourse with men including oral) all point towards him being gay. But to say with certainty if he was? I couldn't say. I myself identify as gay, but I do enjoy straight porn and even lesbian porn from time to time; is it strange? Maybe, but sexuality generally is complex.
I think you have several options here, you can try to read into his actions, check his emails and internet history and come to a conclusion from observations, or you could talk to him about your fears. I think having a conversation with him and explaining to him that you feel he's giving you signals (gay porn, loss of sexual appetite, intercourse with men) that make you wonder about his sexuality, and that you want him to be honest with you, as you have with your own sexuality, could prove very productive. I believe only he can truly tell you what he is. Though enjoying intercourse with men in my book, definitely places him at least in the bisexual area.
Best of luck!