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Is my husband bipolar or just selfish? (Page 1)

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Hi there...i have been married 10 years to a man who i think is bipolar for a few reasons :1.)He has a brother who was diagnosed 2 years ago, and an aunt diagnosed decades ago, and 2.) he is incredibly self-centered, selfish, controlling, mean spirited, spiteful, and OCD. His brothers symptoms seem totally opposite of his...his brother has the manic highs and lows, he has been suicidal. Thankfully, his brother is also a doctor, a PhD & a cardio-thoracic surgeon and recognized the symptoms in himself and sought the help he needed. My husband on the other hand thinks he can control anything and everything and refuses to seek any treatment, help or diagnoses. To share my reasons why i think he is bipolar: He is very short on patience, has an aggressive personality, curses like a sailor without thinking or regard, is OCD about any hobby he may get interested in...like fishing. If one bait or rod is good, 20 of the same thing is better...spiteful. IE: if i ask him to please watch his language in front of the kids, he will do it more out of spite and disrespect. When he yells at the kids (aged 16,9,5 and 20 months), he spews obscenities, and to him, the word "f**k" is like breathing air...every-other-word uttered is that. He'll call our 20 month old a little f-ing bi**h every time she annoys him. He has a sense of grandiosity-everything is owed to him. He does nothing around this house. Nothing. Won't even take out the trash. His exscuse is that he works 8 hours a day, he's not going to come home and work more. What does everbody else in america do to make their household run if they never lifted a finger after work? I am currently an at home mom. Between my 16 year old daughter and myself, we do it all. Yet, he'll tell me all i ever do is sit on my fat f-ing a** while he is bringing home a paycheck. I am 5'4" and 115 lbs! Anyways, my 16 yr. old does all the typical "man" chores of mowing the lawn & stacking the wood in winter months. She helps me with the trash at the end of the week. I do ALL the indoor chores...plus taking care of the kids single-handedly. He has refused to change diapers for all of them. He's never taken them to dr.s appointments. Or school...or gone to a parent teacher conference. I used to work full time too. When i did, i still did all the household chores. Oh yes, when i cook dinner, i have to serve him. Wait on him hand and foot, or he'll turn into a royal screaming ass. He can't (or Won't) even get his seconds for himself. He has moments where he is sweet and loving, likes to cuddle with the kids & take them to do fun things (fishing, movies), but when he gets angry with them, there is no middle ground. He is just ruthless and brutal. I am so ready to leave him. I RESENT him so much, i have no sexual drive towards him, no romantic feelings. We haven't had sex in six months. I personally am glad...i don't want to have sex with him. He repulses me and turns me off mentally. I don't love him anymore. I should say that i'm not IN love with him anymore. I love him as the father of my children and the best friend that he USED to be, but i'm tired of eating the proverbial "!**@! sandwich". I'm tired of seeing my kids subjected to his mood swings and demands, and getting verbally abused...and he expecting all of us to just take it. He totally undermines my authority with the kids and disprespects my wishes concerning them. I hate my life with this man. I'm tired of being the kind, gentle, patient one. He walks allover us. He thinks his opinion is the only one that counts. He is a control freak. I can probably still go on and on, but i think i have given enough examples for a determination to made...is he bipolar or just a selfish SOB? I need help. I'm tired of suffering through what i feel is his mental illness and issues while he flies through life doing and saying whatever he pleases. It must be great to be him. He has his world on a silver platter. He seems to like himself & his life alot. P.S. i'm not a pansy and just let him walk allover me...i am very patient, but i will speak up-and always nicely, but whenever i do, i'm nothing but a fu**ing b**ch and "c**t", and he dismisses me, my thoughts, feelings and opinions. I feel totally trapped. Please help.
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First Helper User Profile 9518carrie
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replied April 17th, 2009
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I don't think he's bipolar. I think he's a jerk. I have a sister who is bipolar and she doesn't act anything like that. When she is manic she does things like clean the bathroom at midnight or decide to rearrange the living room furniture, clean and rearrange her bedroom and do yardwork - all before 9am. Then she practically floats into the room and starts gushing about what a beautiful day it is... When she is depressive she stays in her room, won't answer the phone, if anyone else is in the house she will only come out to use the bathroom and cook some food to take back to her room. She doesn't want to look at you, talk to you... (She goes on and off her medicine because she keeps convincing herself that she doesn't need it.) Granted, everyone with this disorder is not going to behave exactly the same way. But, if he does suffer from bi-polar disorder, he suffers from a psychological disorder as well. No one should be that nasty and being bi-polar does not excuse his behavior.
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replied April 17th, 2009
Thank you. As much as i hate hearing that he may not be bi-polar, i need to hear it. That he truly is a jerk. I've put up with it for so long thinking that he has medical issues or a chemical imbalance...i made vows in front of God and family "for better or for worse, in sickness and health, 'til death do us part.". But, do they mean physical death, or emotional death? Because i have sacrificed myself emotionally putting up with this man. I know there are varying degrees of bi-polarism. There is Bi-polar I and Bi-polar II. I've done plenty of research. Much more than he has ever been willing to do. But, i feel it's all to no avail because he refuses any help. He thinks there is nothing wrong with him, and if something is wrong, he can control it by sheer willpower. I think i'm at a crossroads in my life. Thank you for your reply and input.
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replied April 17th, 2009
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You're welcome. I hope he listens to reason and sees a doctor for his problem. You seem like a good wife who deserves better.
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replied April 17th, 2009
Is my husband bipolar or just selfish?
Maybe go through a BP questionairre (there are plenty on the web)- that might help with your initial question on whether he is BP.
Further, maybe if you get firm with him and insist on marriage counselling, the therapist might advise him to seek a diagnosis.
You obviously have serious problems which need to be addressed sooner or later.
Good luck.
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replied April 17th, 2009
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Re: Is my husband bipolar or just selfish?
FARAWAY wrote:
Further, maybe if you get firm with him and insist on marriage counselling, the therapist might advise him to seek a diagnosis.
You obviously have serious problems which need to be addressed sooner or later.
Good luck.


I don't believe that if she gets 'firm' with him that he will do anything...in my humble opinion he is a self-centered, narcassic, bully, jerk, dingleberry, pig who does not deserve his wife nor his children.

Actually he sounds like my ex who breathes the F word and it was always about him...and to this day it still is. One day your husband may question why his grown children and grandchildren don't come around or why he can't stay in a relationship.

I got rid of his sorry butt close to 20 years ago; best thing I could have ever done however his attitude hurt his children and to this day he is still the same way old donkey.

If I woke up in your shoes; I'd drop him like a hot potato..you'd have a better chance of winning the lottery than him changing his behavior...
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replied April 18th, 2009
bipolar or just selfish?
Zigemyster....... Carrie is obviously in a serious predicament.
I probably agree with all your comments.
I believe though, that she wishes to find out if her man has BPD, as this may then explain his behaviour (underline may).
He is incredibly self-centered, selfish, controlling, mean spirited, spiteful, and OCD, so my suggestion/strategy was to try for counselling first, whereby the therapist could lead the way re psychiatric assessment – this will still be difficult I suspect.

To qualify myself here – I divorced a wonderful woman and was subsequently diagnosed – I did some terrible things - I am now stable and normal – but sadly she has re-married.

Maybe Carrie’s clutching at straws, but maybe, maybe ………..you just never know.

Perhaps you could provide Carrie further advice on what to do in regard to leaving?
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replied April 18th, 2009
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I do't take abuse, physical and / or mental lightly.

If she wishes to find out if he is truly bipolar then he needs to be evaluated by a professional. It is not a dx that can be given in 5 minutes or even an hour...there is a lot involved...complex.

What she has described is not typical of bipolar but as self centered jerk.

As in regards to leaving...I would make it perfectly clear to him that the marriage can not proceed the way that it is; she and the children need a break so that he can get the help in which he needs and if he chooses not to do so...then divorce papers it would be.

A person can not change what they don't acknowledge...
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replied April 18th, 2009
Thank you all for "going to bat" for me as they say, and looking out for my best interests. But, after 10 years of marriage & a few discussions of therapy and/or Dr.'s visits for him, i feel it's a moot point. A lost cause. He truly thinks nothing is wrong with. I've asked him to see a Dr. for the possibility of a chemical imbalance, and if that is the issue, it's something he cannot control by sheer willpower. On a rare occasion, he has apololgized to me for his behavior. He says he doesn't even like himself & hates to be alone with himself...so he tries to stay surrounded by people or find something to do to keep busy & distracted. I find the people he supposedly loves the most are the people he hurts the most. Even his parents told me "good luck living with him!". This was a week ago. They call me a Saint. That comment came from fact that he is combatative verbally and controlling even with his parents, and he made a mountain out of a mole-hill with his dad over the fact that they wanted to get my 16 year old daughter a new cell phone for her birthday, which i was in agreement with, because her old one doesn't hold a charge avery well. Plus, she's 16, what teenager wouldn't want a new cell phone! But, he had to contol that situation and go against what everyone else thought. Pretty much cursed his Dad out. I am 36 yrs. old, and to this day i would not dream of cursing at my parents! To add, his mother holds a degree in pshycology...she has to know he has issues. I want to know why someone didn't warn me 10 years ago! I guess to wrap this up, i know i should leave the marriage-but i am afraid. Afraid of him and his wrath. He is very spiteful & mean if he thinks you have wronged him or turned your back on him. He's said that if i ever leave him, he'll quit his good paying job to work a menial position somewhere to earn alot less so he won't have to pay me a ton of child-support...so i'll have to go out & get a job and deal with finding daycare & getting the kids to and from school. (We live in a town where there is no bussing. we have to take our kids to school & pick them up). Most of all, i just fear dealing with him mentally if i leave. as i've said. i feel trapped.
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Thanks for your patience!

replied August 4th, 2011
THINK of your children, if you cannot do it for yourself Carrie.
Hi Carrie,
I understand what you mean by trapped. Trust me I have lived it...excepting it sounds like your husband and his brother both as one person. My husband can be very loving and the whole works, but I have left him 18 times already. Sounds crazy I agree, but being a christian woman I want to try and make the marriage work. He wants you to feel trapped but honestly if you feel you are not safe it is time to leave with your kids. Get help from the government or whoever will help you, but do not live the life I have. I came back in March and now our girls have told me that I am not able to see them or the kids because of grandpa..my husbands moods, anger, jerkkkkkkk. They will not let the kids see the same thing they had to live with. Do you realize that your 16 year old may think this is normal when she gets into a relationship. Get her into counselling and yourself. This is serious business girl. I could tell you a lot more. I would not have come back if I knew I would lose access to my kids/grandkids. He does not want to work on getting back with them as he says it is their fault they left. He says the door is always open to them....but unfortunately he has not changed and they know it. 2 of his brothers have bi-polar..manic-depression and it is not a pretty site. Actually after work tonight I am talking to him about going for counselling or I am gone. I want to see my children and grandchildren...as I will put it I cannot live without them (children/grandchildren), but I will live without him (my husband) if he chooses not to go for help. I will even go with him...I am very willing. But if he says no I will be planning my departure. I am 57 and married him when I was 18....got a divorce due to mental cruelty and abuse....no physical but you wish it was. Your children are going to learn this is behavior is okay so they may marry the same kind of person. PLEASE do not let him make you feel trapped. Is it not better to be poor, than to live in such a cruel, controlling, abusive relationship? And it is not only you that you are hurting, it is your kids. Get help from someone. I do not know where you live but in Canada here there are places you can go and get help. My heart goes out to you. I feel sorry for your hubby, my hubby and all the other ones who are totally abusing their spouse and family, but there is no reason to stay and be abused, or to let your children go through that. If I could help you I would. Email me if you wish MY heart goes out to you, but especially the children.
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replied August 8th, 2011
ditto
Hi I cant believe it I'm in the exact same situation. I don't know if my husband is BP but he acts the same as yours. We have been married for 16 years now and its become unbearable. He will get upset over the smallest thing, then tell me how he can't stand the site of me, cursing and carrying on like a complete lunatic. Then doesn't talk to me for days. Sleeps in another room and won't eat food I make or interact with me in anyway. When friends come around he pretends all is normal but the minute they leave the house he shuts me out gain. The last time this happened he bullied me physically to grab my wedding rings off my hand bruising my right arm so bad I had to ear long sleeves to hide the marks. He said I they are his rings and I don't deserve to wear them. I'm also trapped, I love him as you say (father of my kids and for the friend he used to be...bla bla) but can't do this any more. I'm also trying to do EVERYTHING and work full-time, he doesn't bother helping around the house OR garden says "it's not a man's job!". I feel even worse because he is not working, hasn't for a few years now. He cant seem to hold down a job because he gets his "moods" then he can't hold his tongue. My thoughts are with you as I too have been threatened with "things" if I bring up separation and divorce...
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replied May 11th, 2012
Hi. I hate to say it, but he sounds exactly like my husband. I'm at 15 yrs of marriage. My husband acts EXACTLY as you described yours. I hate to tell you this, but my husband has been diagnosed as bipolar type II. The diagnosis didn't make it any easier for us though. I hate my life with him. I don't know what to tell you. I fear for how my kids will turn out with his influence. I'm tired and feel like all the life has been sucked out of me. I don't expect him to change anymore. I force myself to stop hoping things will get better.
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replied May 18th, 2012
Hi I am a female who was diagnosed with bi-polar II 16 years ago, I am sorry to hear how your husbands actions affect you and your children. Does he take his medication regular and see a psychiatrist etc? I am not adverse to feeling agressive sometimes when manic (if mood has swung the wrong way) but would not dream of treating family like this, Most of the time I am stable and have a good support network with my Dr etc. But it has taken a long time to get there. I hope your husband gets himself sorted properly if not for himself but for you and your kids!
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replied April 18th, 2009
Bi-Polar
I know someone who BP and doing research online, found something that totally turned his anger, rage and bad feelings around using "LITHIUM OROTATE", 5htp, dhea. This person acts very happy & serenity now.
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replied April 20th, 2009
Bi Polar
Hi
There are so many forms of Bipolar disorder
It doesn't sound like he is...
I am thinking a major personality disorder here maybe Narcissistic or Borderline...
Some people function fine and just never get it. I feel your pain
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replied April 20th, 2009
Is my husband bipolar or just selfish?
Dear 9518carrie,
I could feel the anguish and mental agony you and my wife are going through...


God Bless You and my wife..

A Bipolar Husband
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replied April 20th, 2009
..
well it seems your husband and my father should get together for lunch or something. That's not bipolar. Men are like that. Not all men, but quite a bit of them. My dad is almost exactly like that, except that he isn't waited on hand in foot because my mom wont stand for that. You need to stand up for yourself. Don't get him anything. Make him get up and get it himself. Just because he works, that doesn't give him an out around the house. Marraige is 50/50. My husband is in the military, works 12 hours or more a day while I stay home and do the laundry, but when he gets home, he does the dishes and cleans the living room and even finishes off the laundry for me. Don't let him push you around. Stand up to him. And if he doesn't like it, then tell him what he needs to do if he doesn't like it. Your choice. But in my opinion, this isn't the 11th century. You are not his slave, you're his wife. There's a big difference there, and if he doesn't realize it, or he's too lazy to man up and do something for his family other than 'bring home a paycheck', then too bad for him, he doesn't deserve you. No woman should be brought down by the arrogance and ignorance of a man. Show him who's boss.
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replied April 20th, 2009
Re: ..Who is boss
Dear Shiny..

It is not an easy job to be around and take care of a bipolar...
People who go through only know and real hero in many aspect.
Here we do not mean deserters..or losers


A Bipolar Husband
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replied April 20th, 2009
Is my husband bipolar or just selfish?
Carrie
Relationships are not my strong point.
However I think it would make good sense to quietly PREPARE an escape strategy so at least you have some options for the future.
Ray
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Users who thank FARAWAY for this post: 9518carrie  zigemyster 

replied April 20th, 2009
addiction?
Sounds like addiction to me - self-centered, self seeking, if 1 is good 20 is better, no concern how their actions effect others..
Does he drink, smoke, eat, gamble or rage too much?
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replied April 20th, 2009
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Re: ..
Shiny33 wrote:
Marraige is 50/50. My husband is in the military, works 12 hours or more a day while I stay home and do the laundry, but when he gets home, he does the dishes and cleans the living room and even finishes off the laundry for me.


I must disagree that marriage is 50/50 (this means each spouse gives 50%)...no, each spouse should give 100% and nothing less.

Are you a stay at home mom or stay at home wife?

Shiny33 wrote:
Show him who's boss.


Why should there be a boss? Personally I did not get married to be bossed around and neither did my husband...
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replied May 4th, 2009
Should I leave my husband????
I too find myself in a situation similiar to Carries except my husbands has started to insult and belittles my children. He calls my 15 yr old A stupid c.... He also has a verbal go at him because he takes extra classes outside school to help with his exams. I am paying for all these not HIM.
He has called our other kids knackers,bi.....,f...... the list is endless.
His latest trait now is to physically push my children from a room. I hate him so so much and am trying to work up the courage to leave him but am so sfraid of the physical harm he will cause to me also the damage he will do to my property. Please someone advise
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replied May 4th, 2009
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dublingal wrote:
His latest trait now is to physically push my children from a room. I hate him so so much and am trying to work up the courage to leave him but am so sfraid of the physical harm he will cause to me also the damage he will do to my property. Please someone advise


dublingal,

Property can be replaced; you and your children lives can not...I suggest that you find a shelter and get all the paperwork in order that you'll need before leaving him...if you need to an order of protection from him then do that as well.

Just remember once you leave him...you nor your children should have any contact with him for the time being. Get an attorney...and join a support group for abused women....
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replied May 4th, 2009
Thanks for your advice zigemyster. I know what you are saying is true i just need to find the courage cause that fear I feel is very hard to explain. I have an appt made to see a solicitor tomorrow which hopefully will help me. I have no family nearby and all my friends have beind alienated now so I just have to rely on myself.
Thank you again for your sound advice and YOU ARE RIGHT
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