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Is my boyfriend using me?

Hello, I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He has lived with me for a little more than a year now. When we first got together, he didnt have much. He lived in his friends house while they were trying to sell it. He walked to work as a bag boy at a grocery store. He told me he only did this because he lost his last job because he got in a car wreck and couldnt get to work.

We started off pretty quickly. I fell fast, he told me he loved me after 4 weeks. I didnt even have sex with him until 3 days before that. Well, since then he moved in with me. He got a new and better job, but still makes much less than I do. He found a car he wanted and I bought it and gave him a repayment plan. He pays half of the bills and has paid off the car. What bothers me is that he is very selfish with any of his extra money. He never buys me anything unless I tell him to. He didnt even buy me a 1 yr anniversary gift or a birthday present. We rarely have sex. He doesnt seem very considerate or respectful. A very simple example of this is that he constantly pees on the toilet seats and if I dont check before sitting down I get to sit in it. He doesnt do much to be romantic. Tonight he brought home dinner and thought that would make up for everything. I am constantly buying things for him and he pays me back.

He always pays me back, but my friend keeps telling me that from the beginning she has thought me his Sugar Momma.

Sometimes I wonder if that is why he is with me. That he just likes what I can do for him.

Can anyone give me some insight in to this? please???

Thank you
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replied November 29th, 2008
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well amcat80,
i'll answer your question, but maybe not in the same direction as you would predict. see, i don't think it's important that he is or isn't using you as his "sugar momma". what is important is that you appear to be a kind and loving person and he does not. you are not happy in this relationship with him.

in reality, your happiness is the only real important measure to be concerned about. based on the fact that you busted your backside to make this guy happy, but he does very little to make you happy, it's hurting your heart.

tell me if you think i'm wrong.
jasmine
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replied May 24th, 2009
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you or your friend probably feel like he treats you like a sugar moma. but the fact is he makes less than you. i've been in a relationship when the guy made less and he was very cheap (like to save).
the concern is how he treats you. i lived with a guy and i know how some guys can be. you have to have this deep conversation and tell him how you feel and what you expect from him. at lease you gave it a chance.
hope im not too late.
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replied May 29th, 2009
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first off, just because the guy makes less doesnt mean anything. but yes, sorry to tell you, it sounds like he is using you and the guy is a total dud.
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replied June 13th, 2009
I can relate to you. I have been dating this guy for about 3 months now. We both come from bad relationships. We knew eachother and liked eachother before dating. Now, he tells me that he loves me, but sometimes I wonder. He can be the sweetest guy in what he tells me- I'm beautiful, loving, etc ect. But at the same time there are things I wonder about. He has a job as a construction worker, so doesn't make a lot of money. When we first got together, I ran into an emergency situation and needed a job right away and after a month of looking (and no money or place to live) I got a job at a strip club. So I make a fair amount. I don't want to misjudge him because he makes less. But we moved in together about a month after dating which was too fast. I have to pay for the majority of the rent. I pay half on the bills. And I pay to get my car (which we both use because he doesn't have one) fixed. Also food and dates I mainly pay for. In the past month, I've had to pay 1200 to get my car fixed (he only payed $288), and then come up with $750 on my own for rent since his $288 was supposed to be for rent but we needed the car fixed. He always gets mad at me when I talk about this with him and says I'm selfish because he spends all his money on me and I don't realize it. But I don't understand what he gets for me or spends money on me with. I pay for my half if not all for the date- he has only paid fully for me on a date maybe two or three times out of three months. I feel ripped off at times. Maybe I'm just not used to this. He gets angry at me because I sometimes doubt his love and says I should know he loves me by now- it really upsets him. He already introduced me to his family and friends. He knows the right words to say after a huge fight. When we fight, it usually starts off with me not making him dinner for him by the time he gets home. Things like that. He gets upset because I don't always cook and clean for him. We argue and he screams IN my face, throws and breaks things, and even gets aggressive. He has only grabbed me in two fights. I leave and he calls and calls. Finally I answer and he is blaming everything on me. We argue for another hour or so and then he apologizes and cries. Then for the next week he can be sooooo sweet and loving. I saw the letters he wrote to his ex before dating me on his myspace, and they were SO long and loving. He had a diff job with her, and bought her EVERYTHING. Also fathered her two kids that weren't his. She treated him badly so they aren't together anymore. But I don't see him treating me as good as her. He loved her a lot. He says he loves me more, but he never even returned any of my long messages I wrote him after we got together. I left him comments, pic comments, and messages, and he never left me one. But he left some on all his other ex's page. I am also pregnant with his child- we found that out a few days ago. He knows this and says he is so happy because he always wanted one. But does he love me for real? I am so broken right now. I recently moved across the country for something that failed miserably and didn't know anyone. So he is the only person I pretty much know. I don't know what to do.. He seems to expect things. Asks me to pick him up ciggarettes and when I didn't he freaked out. He expects food on the table when he comes home, a clean house, and money. I know for a fact that I'm also better in bed than any other girl he's been with. I HATE workiing at the strip club. I HATE IT. But until I get my GED, I cannot get another job. I have tried. He treats me like it's so easy to work in the sex industry. "All you have to do is go shake your ass and you get what I make as a hard worker for a week in a day". But yet he doesn't try to find another job. He works with his best friend and his best friend's dad who is his boss. I don't know if he minipulates me to make me feel bad so I do spend more money, or if he does really love me and just doesn't know how to show it, I am so confused- any advice or insight is GREATLY appreciated!
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replied June 13th, 2009
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DesireeC,

Your b/f should think about getting a second job. there's going to be a time when he's going to have to take care of you and the baby. i dont want you to have the baby, and having to rush back to work because he's comming up short to pay the bills.
the financial stress shouldnt be all on you.

i also allowed my ex to move in with me pretty fast. i feel in love with him fast, when i shouldve been evaluating him, his personality. he could be sweet at times, but he was young, immature, disrespectful, and mentally abusive.
my ex had a lot of demands but did very little to please me.
communication in a relationship is very important. talk to him when he's in a good mood, and dont offend him. he may not see things your way, but i urge you to try.
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replied June 13th, 2009
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my b/f just broke up with me...so take my comments with a grain of salt.

what is it that makes men think that they are in control of something? i mean really? i have never been controlled by a man, and never will be, but i have dated a few men who thought that they could control me.

i can stand on my own as a woman and i can support myself. i don't need a man's financial support (some extra would be nice, but...) and I will definitely never be indebted to a man for money.

it's like if a man earns a quarter and i earn a dollar and we both contribute all we have then i owe him for his dang quarter. that is so wrong.

i don't owe anybody a thing! i don't care if i make more or less than my man. i just want him to be a doggone man!

are there any MEN out there anymore? MEN who respect a woman, desire her, treat her like his queen, and remain true to her? the world doesn't need another needy p@ssy. it needs another MAN.

jasmine
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replied June 17th, 2009
Experienced User
Let's just say money isn't an issue here. If he really did care for it would have to be doing little things like cooking meals for you with whatever he finds in the frigs, mowing the lawn (if you did have one), taking you out on a stroll in the park, studio or museum. Anything that doesn't involve money but everything that makes you think he's thoughtful which is sad to say, he isn't. Maybe you should try to confront him and ask him if he loves you and if he says yes, tell him that you don't sense any of that feeling anymore. And try to observe his reaction.
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replied June 17th, 2009
Look all i can say is TALK to him , your obviasly not happy with your relationship so say how you feel because after all he is your boyfriend?. If this keeps on going on , i have to say but it is time to move on babe , as my mamma always say 'there are plenty more fish in the sea' i know its really hard but thats life unfortuantly ;(. best of luck Briony xx
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replied June 17th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
Here is the problem...too many women let men take advantage of them. They have low self-esteem so they allow these morons to control them, make them feel guilty, and think they can't do any better. None of you should be putting up with crap like this. A relationship is a two-way street, each contributing a fair share on everything, chores, bills, babysitting, etc. If you are not feeling like it is equal, then that should tell you there is something wrong. If the guy starts to belittle you, scream at you, and tries to make you feel guilty when you confront him, he is trying to control you. If you can't get him to share equally in the relationship, to where you are BOTH comfortable, then you shouldn't be in that relationship, period. But FIRST...DON'T let them move in....DON'T get pregnant, and DON'T give in to their balony. I see alot of unhappy women out there all in the same boat because they aren't willing to take back their self-respect. YOU ALL are worth better than what you are getting in creeps like these. Alittle sweet talk to ease you over, and it will start again tomorrow. Biggest rule, if you aren't happy...get it out on the table, and if they won't listen, they know where the door is!
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replied March 19th, 2013
If the feeling of him possibly using you is strong enough for you to get on the internet for help then he probably is! Don't get used anymore. My lifestyle may not fit you. I thought it was crazy at first myself but I no longer get used by anyone. I'm sprinkled with sugar and spoiled rotten.
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replied March 20th, 2013
Women know how to give, it's how they express love. In her situation i believe the issue is that he never asked her to give.

True giving is when you never want anything in reture from what you give.

When it comes to men and women, women need to realize when to pull back, stop giving, and spend their efforts on themselves. As a reaction men will notice the void, and start to pour out on their woman.
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