HI all I've been struggling with this issue for awhile and I could really use some advice.
My Boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years I'm 23 and he's 22. We have had a rough relationship going back having to deal with trust issues and infidelity. For the past two years now though he has been faithful and I can say this with certainty. However I have really had my suspicions about his sexuality. My BF is a big guy 6 feet maybe 250 lbs. a little heavy.
A good number of mine and his friends have at one point or another thought he was gay. Some of his guy friends have told me when they first met him they thought he was gay especially because of the way that he walks, I did not notice this until others started pointing it out to me. However he is a little overweight and some others say that he walks that way because of his weight gain. His female friends and relatives also suspect him, saying that he has feminine tendencies with how he holds his hands and so forth. I know from past infidelities that he has been with women and I suspect most of his female friends are girls that he has had some kind of "past" with. But he is very secretive about who he has slept with. He tells me that he's been with lots of girls before me and during the time when our relationship was rocky. But he would never tell me who except his past "serious" relationships he says hes had five. Ive never seen pictures of these past girlfriends and Im also pretty close to his family and no one has ever heard of any of them. One of his close cousins almost says that my bf talks a lot about things he's done(girls hes been with) but he feels like they are mostly lies. My BF claims that he has had problems with sex, meaning he can get addicted to it, and this stems from abuse as a child. He told me he was molested by an older male relative and since started having sex on his own (with women) at a very young age. He says that he used to really hate the guy but that he has since forgiven him. The only other thing that he will tell me was that he WAS NOT raped, just molested. (I dont really know what this means.) I try not to invade his privacy more on the matter because i understand it is a sensitive subject.
Our sex life is so-so, i was a virgin when I met him and have never been with anybody else. Nowadays we have sex 1-2 times a week because since i moved back home there's less opportunity and he says that he's gotten too big to do it in the car anymore. He's always trying to get me to break his parents rules and do it in his room while his parents sleep, i just barely became allowed to be in his room again. We see each other pretty much everyday and are l together for a good portion of the time except when working or school. I recently got a new job and he complains that I'm not spending enough time with him and we've talked about breaking up because we don't have enough sex. He "ready" when he is ready and sometimes I feel like I don't "entice" him. We are not very intimate outside of sex and he doesn't really like to be touched otherwise although he lets me. He doesn't like to be naked around me and is self conscious of his body because he's gained a lot of weight since we first got together. However, hes VERY CONCEITED although he knows he needs to lose weight. One of the reasons he wants to lose weight is so that he can "fit in" with the crew.
We like to go out a lot and he normally will not go to a club without me and we usually go with his friends which are mostly his family. He thinks he's the life of the party which can often be the case. We are pretty free with each other and he can dance with whom he likes but he gets jealous if he sees me dancing with his friends or with what he considers my type, guys that are tall. I assume like most guys, him and all his friends are obsessed with sex and girls although they don't talk about it much around me. He is the only one off his friends in a relationship except his brother who is in a not so healthy relationship with one of my good friends.
Alright so here's the kicker, besides the whole everyone suspecting him thing about two months ago I was looking at his cell phone (to be fair he looks at mine too) and I found about 30 porn videos that he had downloaded onto his smartphone. All the porn vids were of gay porn guys on guys with guys similiar in size and complexion involved with skinnier more feminine looking guys called twinks mostly. Needless to say I was shocked because i mite have been expecting to find something but not that. I confronted him, he lied about it at first and tried to delete the videos but later said that he watched them out of curiosity and that he had only recently started watching them. I also found shortcuts to gayporn files that had been deleted on MY laptop which he admitted to as well.
I let it go.
2 months passed and I was checking his stuff and finding nothing until I did something bad. I put spy software on his phone and hit the mother load. (I know its wrong but...) I saw all the porn sites he was visiting on his phone and searching for. I watched and waited for three weeks and found that he was watching the stuff almost everyday for hours. I then decided to ask him about it knowing that he had watched it as recently as that morning. He lied and said he hasn't done it since the first time I caught it. Said that he was over it and reminded me of how he could get addicted to stuff. He wouldn't tell the truth until i showed him the software and then he still lied saying that he's only done it a few times, even when I knew exactly how many times it was.
I love this man but I was ready to end it, he begged me to stay saying he would do anything and that he had sex addiction and it didn't matter what kind of sex because of his past childhood trauma. This was very weird for me because in the past it was usually the reverse with me begging him and all. He said that he saw the porn as a way of getting back at his molester and that he did it because he was angry at him. We decided on counseling in order for me to give him a chance and that he needed to stop hiding it from me and tell me everything. I went with him to sign up for the counseling and waited while he attended. He went to three sessions and 1 group meeting but after that told me how expensive the group meetings were and that he would only do the counseling. Seeing as we're both college students i could understand the expense. He never went back to either.
Fast forward maybe three months his phone has been clean although he deleted the software but i found links in his history fro gay porn websites. These links were not in the normal history bar but in the recent tabs folder. I assume he deleted the regular history but wasn't aware of the recent tabs folder. I've been watching that folder for a month and have found new pages on at least 3 accounts. There are also links to orgy videos which do involve girls, other than that its been entirely gay porn. I asked him if he was gay and he said no. I told him what some others thought and he asked who said it and what they said. I told him about the whole gay walk thing and he simply shrugged his shoulders. he's not really a homophobe and is kind of unaware of gay guys but around one of my gay friends he was silent as a mouse. He jokes around with one of his friends sometimes. Sometimes we talk about one of his cousins who might be gay and he thinks that its sad.
I'm not sure what to do, some of his family tells me that I'm blind, that everyone knows and I'm just making it awkward for others by asking their opinions. Ive promised him i wouldn't tell our friends about the porn. I've also never said anything about what happened in his childhood and he says im the only who knows. He says he loves me more than anything and I love him. I NEVER talk about the future with him because i don't wanna hurt myself. He got mad at me because I didn't take him seriously when he talked about us moving in together and he wonders where we are "going" with our relationship, Later when I was ready to talk about it, he wasn't. I don't know what to do or what to think. I have no one that I can talk to about this. I don't know what to do and am in need of some serious advice. Please help if you have any good input.
My typing skills aren't as good as yours kimchee so I will give you my opinion first and then see how long before my fingers get tired...
Your boyfriend sounds like a nightmare - obviously he is immature for his age and based on my experience with the type you describe it could be many years before he reaches true adulthood (if he ever does!). He sounds the sort of person my mother used to call a "romancer" - meaning a person who habitually tells lies: at least it seems like lying to others but not to the person who is either voicing out loud fantasies from inside his head or acting a part to make it appear to others he is "fitting in" or telling simple silly lies to protect bad or unusual behaviour...
This sort of thing is typical of many young children and while most grow and leave it behind, some cannot or do not and they often begin to really believe their "romancing" as age and experience often causes it to become more and more elaborate...
I doubt he is addicted to sex. It sounds more as though he is addicted to porn and possibly to masturbation - this would support your assertions about his low sex drive. Some people see porn as "real" and ordinary everyday sex is no longer exciting enough...
Lots of people of both sexes find same sex porn a real turn-on - most people do stand somewhere on the scale of bisexuality rather than being merely Gay or hetero!
Putting on a lot of weight is bad news and can change hormone levels and behaviour. Main reason to put on a lot of weight is over-eating. While sometimes this is because of boredom it can indicate deeper psycological problems...
Now to cut to the chase - you are relatively inexperienced: I suggest this guy isn't the ideal (or any sort of) life partner for you and you should go and sow a few wild oats and meet and experience some different types of life and people before you consider settling down.
Staying with this fellow is likely to burden you with loads of emotional baggage you shouldn't be handling and settling down with this guy would probably have you climbing the walls and old before your time!
At your age and experience his problems shouldn't be your problems. You should be girlfriend and boyfriend, instead you sound more like his "carer" - a role that will probably become more burdensome over time until (if he ever does) he can willingly declare he has a problem (lots of problems) and is going to do something about it.
I fear that will be a long time in the future because he isn't a well-adjusted person fighting an addiction, but a (possibly) poorly adjusted person who is indulging himself...
He sounds a lot like the younger brother of a friend of mine who has, at the age of forty, just arrived in his early twenties in the terms of social adjustment, maturity of attitudes and responsibility.
I have known the guy for twenty years so I can state this with confidence!
I hope you make the right choice: you never know, being on his own might begin a positive chain of events for him...