I don't know how to not make this complicated because all of the problems I have are because I am not happy. It's all just one huge, ugly circle. I miss being the way I use to be. I use to go to the barn everyday and ride. It was my passion and life. I lived for nothing else. You know how everyone has an unique ability (at least I believe everyone does)? Well, riding horses is my thing. I love the unspoken connection between horse and rider. It was something I never found complicated because it came so simply, the connection. All my dreams were centered around horses. My life, dreams, career. I didn't want any other life without horses.
I have felt this way ever since I was introduced to horses. So that probably means I have been thinking this way since I was oh, say 5. I know obsurd, but I just want you to understand how long I have made horses my number one priority. As long as I had horses I thought I would be happy, but my naivety got the best of me.
When I was 14 I was introduced to my first boyfriend. It was a shocker to everyone including me. I am the girl who will play football, roll aound in the mud, smell for days, beat up boys, live in the woods, never wear makeup or pink, and could never think of the idea of being close to anyone. Sure I had crushes on plenty of guys, and was curious what it was like to be close to someone, but I could never imagine myself like that so close. I have always had a very poor image of myself to begin with, but it never bothered me like it does now.
So, to keep this going, my first (and only) boyfriend, who we shall call Tim, was a pretty good guy. We were both the same age, but we were both pretty mature for our age. He seemed to be head over heels for me and all I knew was I liked him and it didn't bothered me when he touched me(which is a good thing because I can't stand it when anyone does try to touch me. I am not the type of person who is clingy or gives hugs, kisses, or says I love you to anyone). So we stayed together for 9 months. The breakup is another story of its own, but I think it's fair to say we both suffered afterwards.
The reason why I bring up this relationship all together is because I was so happy with eveything. I was still going to the barn and riding everyday and the trainers were still impressed with my abilities, and then I would come home to Tim and we would talk about everything and just be ourselves together and grow close together. It all felt right. It was like it was everything I wanted at the age of fourteen, but at the same time I was scared inside. I was scared that I would be with Tim forever. I was scared my riding would go away from me. What made it even worse was that I knew from the get go if Tim and I would get together the breakup would be hard to recover from if we had one. And we did. The breakup wasn't violent or anything and really we had no reason to breakup, but maybe that was our reason. After the breakup, that's when things went down hill for me.
I was a sophmore in highschool and had a new outlook on life when school started. During the relationship, I was working out alot because I liked it and I was also riding so I was in pretty good shape. When school started I got all this unwanted attention from guys. Like I said I was the tom boy and normally preferred to not be close with anyone(with one exception) and so when the attention came I couldn't take it. I still took care of myself, but when I went to school I would always wear a jacket or something to cover myself up. I didn't understand. I don't consider myself to be very pretty or even with a nice body, so when I got attention I felt extremely self conscious. It didn't help either that I was still suffering from the breakup which happened three weeks before school started.
I was unhappy mainly from the breakup and that feeling went into my riding. I couldn't keep my head straight. I had this terrible emptiness inside that even horses and riding couldn't fill.
Well, soon school came into the issue. I have always hated school because it got in the way of my time to ride, but this year it got worse. Not only because of the boys, but also because of the work the teachers started to dish out. It was ridiculous all the unnecessary assignments and the moods the teachers would get in. I understand being a teacher is hard, but dmn it's even harder on the students when the teachers are suffering. I was a straight A student until about the last semester of the school year because after that I couldn't take it anymore. Progressively throughout the year I was becoming burnt out with school. I came home stressed out and tired. I barely had enough energy to ride, which then I wasn't performing as well. Soon my stress caused frustration with myself and I took it out on my family and the kids at school. I became more reclusive, but the guys still bothered me so it just fueled my anger. I wasn't happy! Most of my days were spent at school and I wasn't happy there. I would come home frustrated and irritated and unhappy with all the work I had to do and yet I still had to go and ride.
Soon it became a big mess when I noticed I was eating more than usual. I noticed I was getting bigger and I was trying to control it. I became obsessed with how I looked then. I became worried that when I started to eat I wouldn't stop, but once the school year was over I worked on it and have slowly diminished the outrageous eating. It also helped that I was able to concentrate on my riding more and finally think through about the breakup.
I am happier now than I was last year, but I am still disappointed in myself ( I guess). I am not able to ride as much now that I don't have a horse and that I have a job and have bills to pay. I hated highschool so much that I convinced my parents to do homeschool. Yet, I noticed I am still fatter than what I use to be when I was with Tim. The only thing I can think of was that I was just happy with him, and when I was happy I did what I loved. I rode, exercised, and was close to Tim.
I guess the answer is just right there in front of my face, and I am just too focused on the little things I can't see it. But for some reason I am not as happy as I use to be. I am getting there. Even typing all this nonsense out for all the world to see helps, too. Anyways say what you like. My feelings don't get hurt and I probably need a good slap in the face anyways. Ever since I turned 15 last year, I questioned what was the point of my life and life in general. It probably takes a whole life time to finally figure it out, but I might as well try to enjoy it while trying to answer the question.
P.S. thankyou for those of you who do bother to read this. I feel bad saying all of this because I know there are people out there who have worse problems than this. I wonder sometimes why so many people feel like they have to be happy with a million dollars, a jazzed up car and house, and a great looking spouse. I see no meaning in that picture at all. As long as I am and the people and animals I care for are happy, I could care less with what I have. You know what I think I answered my own question as to why I am not happy. I really do feel like an idiot right now, but having typed all this I still want to hear what people have to say about life and happiness.
first, you sound like an awesome person. in some ways i'm very different from you, and in some other ways we're similar. here are a couple of points to help you.
1) YOU define YOURSELF. don't allow yourself to be defined by any relationship. you need to define who you are and what your attitudes about life are...which brings up my next point.
2) decide to be happy. if you really want to be happy, then decide that's the way you're going to be and don't take anything other than happiness for an answer. now that doesn't mean that when someone breaks your heart you're going to be happy about THAT, but make it a point to be happy in your life and with your self.
3) love yourself. YOU are the best friend you have. you know yourself and your positive attributes better than anyone.
4) be kind. when you express concern for other people and you're kind to them, it makes you feel better about yourself. sometimes it's hard to like ourselves. we can be critical...but, i know how much love i give to others and how kind and generous i try to be to people...so on the days i don't feel so great about myself, all those times when i was kind to someone else...well, they usually pay off for me. someone will be extra kind to me and it will cheer me up. something like that.
5) be a great friend. to have a great friend, you have to be a great friend. focus on being a great friend and you're sure to get one or two.
summarizing, you need to come to grips with how you WANT to feel about yourself. if you want to be down in the dumps, then you can do that. if you want to be upbeat and happy, then you can do that too. it's all up to you. next, parlez that into treating yourself with love. once you love yourself you can and need to show that love to others.
this is my mentality and i'm 26 and i feel pretty good about myself. my world isn't perfect...i have my flaws. i just broke up with a boyfriend who wanted to show other girls how much love he had to share. bottom line is that i have decided to be happy and to move forward. you can too.
we're here for you sweetie. let us know how we can help you.
Thanks Jasmine so much for your reply. I am a very deep thinker which gets me in trouble most of the time and I usually just confuse myself even more which causes my emotions to become in a twist.( i have seriously wondered if that makes me bipolar) but anyways yeh reading what you have to say only makes my feelings more certain now. I need to make my priorities straight. I lost them after the relationship and that was 2 years ago. It took me 9 months to get over the hurt, but since the pain left me I wasn't feeling anything. I lost all of my priorities and didn't know what to do. I was slowly getting back into gear and I have talked to plenty of people about this, but I still felt the emptiness. I was beginning to think this is hopeless until I remembered the last time I truely felt happy. I knew there is something I can try to do and that was just feel that way again. And then I thought of the things that made me feel that way. And sure enough my priorities came into the picture agian. Man do I feel like an idiot. I know I am over analyzing everything,....you know what I am not going to go any further. I leave it at this.
Thankyou so much Jasmine for setting it all out in such an organized format and for taking the time of day to even look at this. I just wanna be happy with the simple things and with the friends and family I have to love and support.