I have never written on one of these before, but I just feel like I have no one to talk to. I am 22 years old and I was with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and then we broke up for about eight months and recently got back together. I have known him my whole life but we didn't start dating until we were about 18. He was a great friend throughout my entire life and although he always liked me I was reluctant to date him because of our friendship. Finally, I realized how I felt about him and figured a friendship could turn into something great. Well after about 2 or 3 weeks of our relationship, he accused me of having sex with his friend (which is totally out of character for me) and called me horrible names. We didn't talk for a few days and then we hung out and he told me he realized it wasn't true and we got back together. There have been many times where he would call me these names and then apologize. A huge cause of our fights was my phone. If I missed a phone call while I was out, he would call me names. WHen we get in fights, ESPECIALLY when he's drunk, he calls me names. There is also one thing I noticed about him. He never takes the blame for anything. If he gets in a physical fight it's never his fault. BUT ...He apologizes all the time. He takes me out to dinner and spends so much money on me. It could go two months without him being mean, but then it happens again. I find myself trying to avoid fights with him because I know he can get angry, especially when he drinks. We broke up and I stayed single my senior year of college. Now that I'm home, we hung out as friends and things progressed from there. He swears he has changed, but I see tiny signs of how he used to be. I was shopping with my mom and he got mad because I didn't answer the phone. He got into a drunken fight. Also, he gets mad when I don't want to have sex when he does. He says that I am not into him anymore. I feel like I just trapped myself again and I don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about it because I know they don't want me to be with him.
Well, I can understand why your family and friends don't want you to be with him. It's amazing how someone can change when a friendship turns into romance. I know you have feelings for him but you really need to end this relationship for your own sanity. YES!! This is mental abuse. He obviously has a drinking problem and he's not a nice drunk. My first husband used to call me names and trust me, it hurts more than physical abuse sometimes. Set higher standards for yourself and find the type of love that you deserve to have. Remember that there should always be trust and respect in a relationship. You seem like an intelligent woman and I think you do know this is wrong. You are not stuck and if you fear breaking up with him, please let your family members and friends know. They have your best interest.
you have to dump him! it should be easy since he has such a hot headed attitude. he is insecure,and is violent when he is drunk. i dont think a man should ever hit a women. he could seriously hurt you one day when he is drunk and want to fight.
stop getting back with him. maybe the sex is good and he is a good guy 1/2 the time. but the other 1/2 of the time concerns me.
this guy has giving you so many red flags. maybe he is a better friend than he is a lover. but i think i would leave him alone altogether.
I didn't see anything in your post about your loving this man, so the decision should be fairly obvious. He is toxic. He is trying to control you with his insecurities, and this kind of treatment leads to worse. He will start to physically abuse you if you continue to let him treat you this way. You are LETTING him treat you this way by staying with him. Here is a good rule for just about everyone..if you continue to accept bad behavior, bad behavior will continue. You cannot give more than one chance on things like this because that gives him carte blanch to keep doing what he's doing. You already said you tried leaving him, but you went back, so he knows you are soft hearted and he can manipulate you. I can see the fear and uneasiness in your post. Get out now while the getting is good. Nobody should tell you when to answer your phone, when to have sex, and when to be where they want you to be. YOU are in charge of YOU. I will once again repeat one of my favorite sayings...doormats are for wiping your feet on...don't be one. You need to END IT, before things get worse.
I wanted to thank everyone that answered me it really helped out. I actually teared up when I read everyone's responses haha because I knew it was true but to hear it from complete strangers was a real eye opener. Unfortunately breaking up with him didn't happen until another bad incident including name calling and him telling me he wishes he could spit on me. But on a better note, I did leave him and I haven't talked to him in 2 weeks. Thanks so much!!!
Hiya, I am recently going through a very similar situation with my girlfriend / ex girlfriend. (I am not used to the ex part bit yet). I have never wrote on these things before until today myself. If you want to read my post - Is it my fault? maybe you can relate to some of it and realise you are not alone. I have realised it from reading yours. I still feel that I am to blame for what went wrong in my relationship but, maybe one day I won't. We have finished now me and my girlfriend but, I miss her so so much. I just feel lost.
Thank you for your reply. I have just recently spilt up with my girlfriend. Through out the relationship she has called me horrible names and broken 3 of my mobile phones. She said I deserved it and it was my fault she did it, because I had lied during our relationship. It's true I did lie and I admit my fault. It was stupid lies though. It didn't happen a lot only 2 or 3 times. For an example. She once asked me whether a guy on the telly was good looking or not. I said no which was the truth because he wasn't. However she then asked which guys are good looking then. I got nervous and didn't want to argue so I just said, that I couldn't tell the difference whether a guy is good looking or not. It was a stupid lie because obviously you can tell whether someone is good looking or not. She is convinced that I am in interested in guys when I am not. My past has involved guys however, I was young and was scared to come out as gay worrying what people would think. Eventually I met a girl and did come out. It was not a good relationship and just as I broke up with her, I met my most recent partner and we clicked straight away. I thought and do still think the world of her. However she calls me non stop regarding my past degrading me and putting me down. Sometimes I believe that I am a horrible digusting people and can just hear you words and voice repeating the names non stop. It stops me sleeping and functioning. I have tried to tell her so many times how I am feeling. Whenever I have she has always said that we shouldn't be together then. Whenever I have told her I don't like it and she is angry I get "well if you don't like it leave me." I never could. I fell ill in june with gall bladder disease and was in hospital for 3 and a half weeks, requiring my gall bladder out. She was fantastic at first. Always visiting and getting me little presents to cheer me up. I did give her some money to keep her going as I was worried that she couldn't survive on her own whilst I was in hospital. After a bit in hospital she started accusing me of looking at male nurses or meeting new friends or being different. The only reason I was different was because I was ill and had never been ill so much in my life. I couldn't give her the attention she required and apologised for that because I felt guilty. She had booked time off work and was angry that she had to come to hospital which she hated to see me. She always let her frustration out on me. However she did apologise stating that it was not fair of her.
I came out of hospital and one night she asked a question regarding my past. I answered her but because it was years ago I could not really remember. Therefore she was not happy and I said listen I am not gonna talk about it anymore. I am sick of arguing over non important things. She couldn't accept that and text my mum who had to collect me. I could not drive, could not walk down the stairs without assistance and was really ill but I went to my mums. We made up after she made me text my friend about the question and sent her the texts to prove that I had asked and what was said. I ended up back in hospital the next day after collasping and constantly vomiting.
I discharged myself the next day as, she was angry I was back in hospital. She had booked another week off work to spend time with me and I felt guilty. As I felt better the next day I discharged myself. Making a deal with the doctor that I would return for tests. However that night 4 hours after leaving the hospital, I ended up being rushed back in by ambulance. She was so upset and blamed herself for me rushing myself out. I told her to stay home because she was ill also at the time and my dad met me at the hospital. I really wanted her there but, she had been working all day was ill and needed to go bed. I felt cruel her coming. The day before when I went in hospital I told her to leave coming with me and she went out with her friends for a night out. I didn't mind that because I never thought I would be re-admitted so I thought her coming too would just be a waste of her time.
Whilst back in hospital my sister came to visit me and was very upset that I was still ill and in hospital. I told my girlfriend about my sister being upset and she text my sister to ask if she was ok. My sister replied saying yes and that I would need no stress and that when I got out to recover, My sister meant it as if I needed help with the stress and feeling guilty. However my girlfriend took it as a dig to her because we had recently argued. Therefore she said she didn't want to know my sister anymore and that she would not visit if my family were there. She called me sister non stop and my other family. That hurt me a lot.
My girlfriend did not like my family because there were times when we were arguing and my family had made comments. My sister text her once calling her a bully and my mum overhearing an argument we were having said " I wouldn't put up with that." Therefore my girlfriend said that they never liked her and were snobs. They were only caring about me. My family didn't really know her so they didn't disklike her. They just did not like the way she treated me sometimes. My girlfriend said that my family were trying to control amy life and our relationship.
Whilst I was still in hospital I arranged a couple of times for my family to go so, she could visit. It was very emotional seeing her and I constantly cried when I seen her. I was just so hurt and ill. We talked about spilting up and it was ok at first but then she got nasty calling me again. She called me regarding my past. She said I had treated her horribly and that she had ran around after me non stop whilst being ill and that I had took advantage of her. When I was ill, it was the only time I ever needed her. The entire relationship I ran around after her and helped her family. At times even helping her family and going appointments with them after I had finished a night shift and only sleeping for 2 hours. This was the only time she ran after me a lot in the entire relationship.
She kept saying that I had taken my sisters side over hers because I told her that I knew how my sister meant that text message and that she had just worded herself wrong. I was not taking sides I was only trying to reassure my girlfriend and sort it out. Both of them were upset. My sister was upset andd heartbroken that it had caused an argument between me and my girlfriend because, she knew I could not cope with it.
The arguing continued and know and again I got nice messages....for a few messages....then it would be nasty again. One day I was going for a procedure in hospital and because I had not slept the night previously I was asleep during the day. I then got woken up and took for my procedure. I did not have time to let my girlfriend or my family know. My girlfriend was off work and I was hoping she would show she cared and come to the hospital because I was so scared of the procedure. I was heavily sedated after the procedure and was asleep until approx half 7 at night. When I woke up my dad told me that he had spoken to my girlfriend because she rang the hospital. My dad explained that the nurse came into my bay and attempted to wake me as my girlfriend had rung the ward. However I could not wake up. I later found out that the nurse told my girlfriend I was awake therefore my girlfriend thought I had ignored her. I didn't though. I had a lot of messages on my phone of her calling me saying I had ignored her and took the mick. I explained that I was asleep and in a lot of pain.
I was told I was to be discharged from hospital, therefore I text her hoping we could sort it out and I could go home. We still carried on arguing and when it got closer to me being discharged she starting sending ok text messages, although nothing was resolved. Therefore I was frightened to come home to arguing so, I went to my mums house. She did not like it and said I did not love her otherwise I had of gone home. She told me if I loved her I would go home. I couldn't I was ill in bed and had no way of getting there, which she could not accept. She said I could get a taxi or a lift from my family. I said I don't have any money and that I am not well enough. There was no one to take me. I couldn't move from my room without help, never mind get up and changed, pack a bag and make my way to hers. In the end I ignored my phone because it got too much for me. She kept ringing and ringing and ringing. I couldn't talk I was just inconsolable. We text now and again and it always ended in arguing. She asked me to ring her if I loved her I would. I couldn't face it, I could not face talking to her just to argue and for her to scream and call me. That's all she does. I text her saying I cannot answer because I am scared we would argue. She never reassured me she wouldn't shout. In the end after a week I rung her and she wouldn't accept how I was feeling. She was convinced that I had found someone else and had more friends and were closer to my family so I was ignoring her. That was not the case I just could not cope. Whenever I have told her how I am feeling, it's either an excuse, I am dramatic or I am lying. I had been having panic attacks and still am over everything. During the relationship I cut myself off from my family and friends so, I could not put myself in any situation where we would lie. Whenever I went to my mums for a visit, she would ask what we had talked about regarding if we had argued. She would ask whether my sisters fiance was there, because she was convinced I fancied him. I don't fancy guys. She said I fancied him because one day when he got his hair cut. I ruffled my hand through his head to see the cut, because my sister is a hairdresser and I was just looking at the cut. She was convinced I had done it because I liked touching his hair and fancied him.
In the end I sent her a nice message breaking up with her saying I do love her and want her but, I cannot cope anymore. She said I had strung her along and was playing mind games and trying to control her. She said she would not change for anyone and that she should of stayed with her ex as she was the one for her. Which hurt me. She has consistently said stuff like that whenever we have argued. I explained that I do love her and want her but, I cannot cope physically and mentally anymore. I just wish she would understand. During texting she made out she had cut her wrist so I rung to make sure she was ok. She answered and said "don't worry you're not worth the blood." After I had spilt up with her she made out like she had done something stupid. However I thought I won't ring because she didn't do it before. She then text saying she was waiting for an ambulance. She left voicemails asking for me to come and just hug her and was crying her eyes out. She had never been like this with me before ever. It broke my heart and I wanted to go but, I knew I couldn't I could not get there for one as I was in pain and had no tranportation. I thought that if I went round what would happen then? When would the next time be. I just could not cope. So I just ignored my phone as hard as it was, and god it was hard. I couldn't sleep or anything. She then text in the morning and her voicemails said that i never loved her. Had took the mick out of her and that she thought I loved her more than anyone but I must not. She said that other people who she thought didn't love her as much as me would have her back so, I must not love her because I have not took her back.
It was so so hard because she had never been like this with me before. However I have lost count that I have begged her to stay with me even getting on my knees. I have cried my eyes out non stop in front of her. I am not a throwing things around person whilst arguing. At times though I got that upset and frustrated that she wasn't listening to me and calling me that a couple of times I knocked things over and smashed a cup. I feel bad for that. She constantly threw things when angry adn smashed things. Especially table pieces that I had made for the coffee table. I dunno what came over me. I think that she had done it so much that maybe it's the only way that she would believe I was hurting.
She hasn't text now and I have not text her. I want to but I have stopped myself. She has blamed me entirely for the end of our relationship. She has said that if I didn't lie we would not have had a hard relationship constantly arguing. She said that I had spoken about my past which included guys in a boastful way. I didn't mean to. I had just met her and wanted to let her know that although guys had been in my past I am not interested in guys or fancy them. I did not know how to approach the subject and said things as she was telling me about her past relationships etc therefore I did it in the wrong way. I explained this to her but, she never could accept it.
I always gave her freedom, she could text who she wanted. Go out with her friends when she wanted. However I isolated myself. I used to go out with my friend now and again because, it was hard to alot because of my irregular shifts. When I met my girlfriend i was that infatuated that I spent all my time with her. When I spoke to my friend she did not like it because my friend knew guys from my past and actually dated one of their friends. So my partner associated her with my past. Me and my friend never spoke about it. I did once organise for all 3 of us to go out. However me and my girlfriend argued and she told me that If I loved her I would not still go out with my friend. Therefore I let my friend down.
My sister got engaged and was having an engagement party. To which my girlfriend was invited. We argued and because I did not re-invite her and was still planning to go she was angry. I never knew I had to re-invite her because she already knew she was welcome. She said if I loved her I would not go. Therefore I choose her over my own sister who is my best friend and missed her engagement meal. I went to the party for 20 minutes to show support however, my dad drove me to my girlfriends friends house to pick her up and bring her back to the party with me. We got there after being stuck in traffic and she would not come with us. Therefore I went back to my mums and missed the party. My sister was very upset. I only just found out that she was crying at her own party about it. I feel so guilty. However I am lucky that she is supportive and understands. I have put my girlfriend first so many times. So many. She just doesn't understand and she blames me for everything which has rubbed off on me. I feel so ill at the moment with my stomach and mentally. I just can't see a way out or the light. I feel that I have deserved the way I have been treated. I have been told I am not to blame by so many, so I am hoping that will rub off soon and I will grow stronger. I don't know who I am anymore. I used to be bubbly and confident and always smiling. I have lost that about myself. I just want to be well again. I can't hardly eat due to my stomach. Can't sleep because of my mind racing. I miss her so much and love her. I just wish she could understand. The nail on the coffin for me was the fact that one night while we were texting and separated she text me saying I would not want her back after what she had just done. Making out she had done something with another girl. Then she asked me to meet her. I said I could not get to where she was, That I still could not drive and did not have anyone to take me or any money. I said you can't make out you have done something with another girl then ask me to meet you. I thought how can she. When we were arguing the last day where we actually broke up. She told me that she went to her friends that night she asked me to meet her and her ex picked her up and took her home and came into our so called home. That she said was mine. It broke my heart. Whenever we argued she brought up this ex and constantly made me jealous over her. She would contact her whenever we argued to get to me. I always told her when she did that I don't like the idea of it and it hurt me but, I will not tell her what to do because, I don't believe in telling others what to do. It's not my place. I was hoping she would stop but, she carried on for a bit longer and then stopped. Then she would do it again the next time we argued. She told me on a voicemail that she thought I would come back and that I loved her. If she thought that then why would she even meet her ex adn bring her into our home. I don't understand. She does this thing to deliberatly hurt me. I can't understand if you love someone.....how can you set out to deliberatly hurt them by calling them and meeting up with an ex???? I don't understand. She says she don't understand me, how can she expect to be called names and to accept her meeting her ex and still keep coming back. I have devoted my life to her and I worship her. She just cannot see she has acted wrong in anyway and just blames me consistently.
Sorry this has been long. When I start writing about it, my heart just takes over and pours out.