I was 20 in 2005 when the first girl i ever truly liked and felt that i loved flat out rejected me when i told her my feelings about her. I don't think i should've taken it that hard but i was emotionally a wreck for a long time over her. Lots of nights crying like a pansy, I lost interest one by one in any hobbies or activities I took part in, began isolating myself, and my grades in college tumbled from A's to D/F's.
I took a semester or two off from school from the personal stress and financial burden of affording the tuition thinking it would help but it took me a while to get in gear again.
Fall of 2007 was the first time I got all As again but in that same semester my father passed away just after thanksgiving. I think I handled it very well and felt like I had an accelerated grieving process but my grades in school dropped back to D's/F's once again the following semester.
Since that time, I've had an extremely difficult time focusing and concentrating on getting work done. It has gotten progressively worse to this point where I struggle to maintain energy levels and I feel absolutely un-motivated or apathetic towards many things. I have no sleeping pattern whatsoever at night. My mood swings often and I think I've developed what I consider to be an unhealthy porn addiction in the process (or at least to the point where I try to convince myself to stop watching but can't).
It's been 5 years now and I'm still wondering what I am. Am i depressed? Am i still hurt by rejection over a girl? Am I now grieving over my father? I don't like to make any excuses for my shortcomings but I just want to better understand what I am feeling and if it's serious or if i just need to man up so I can begin to reverse some of these debilitating habits.
I'll be 25 in a few weeks and I feel like my youth has gone to waste because of this. I've spent 7 years in college and have nothing to show for it because I'm only halfway finished with my bachelors due to my failures. It feels like I'll never finish or succeed and I lose more willpower with each failed exam. I feel stuck. Like I'm playing monopoly and i pull the card that says 'stop. do not pass go. do not collect $200' and my mind obliged.
I feel like I need a change of scenery, to move and start over elsewhere to get out of what I feel like is a rut but I don't have the luxury of that option so how do I make the best of a ship that seems to be sinking? What am i really dealing with here?