Well let me try to explain myself the bestest way i can i had post this topic in truobled & abbusive relationships and had not seen this forum but im glad i did anyway:
i got married with a guy when i was 13 yrs old. He was 24 yrs old. I had a lot of problems in my house my mom was always violent with us never let us have friends it was 2003 and i still didnt know what a c.d. player was in chicago...anyway i fell sooo in love with this guy that honestly respected me always never made me do things i didnt want to do and always listended to me i left with him and a year later i had my first child i was 14 yrs old. It was very hard because he didnt have a good job to support us but then he got a good job he worked from 5:00 a.m. in the morning to 7:00 p.m. and when he finally would get home he wanted to sleep and since i got married my teen friends mothers didnt let them talk to me and my parents stopped talking tome for a couple of years and i had no one to talk to my brother in law lived with us so i would talk to him about my day and anything that would trouble me when my boyfriend wouldnt go to work instead of talking to me or even asking me how i feel he would just want to have sex and i sometimes didnt want to and if i didnt want to hed ague with me that maybe i was cheating on him or why else would i not want to have sex with him so i would give in and after whe had sex i would cry and he would go see t.v and leave me criying and i would run with my brother in law criying and he would hug me by the way he is just 4 years older than me my boyfriend always was to tired to talk with me never had time for me and when i would set up something romantic and buy a new baby-doll for him he would be too tired to be with me and i would go over and let out my feelings with his brother and he always knew how to make my tears go away and make me laugh when i would finally creep back inside to my room my hubby was already asleep and i would cry a little more because i felt i had no one some time passeed and i started feeling something for my brother in law but i didnt quite know what it was until he got a girlfriend and brought her home so i could meet her when i saw him kissing her i suddenly felt jeuleous(dont know how to spell that) i went to my room to cry meanwhile i heard them make love next door to me i was sobbing real bad they left and i cried some more my boyfriend was always working and i had no friends i gained some wheight and felt lonely ver lonely until i got fed up with this situation and finally had the guts to tell my brother in law what i felt for him and one day i got up real early and waited for him to come out of his room and when he did i told him thank u for being there for me when i most need it he said ure welcome and i suddenly felt the urge to kiss him so i did he corresponded to my kiss i didnt know if he felt the same way i did for me but then sudenly i felt bad and pushed him away from me and ran into my room he went to work without saying a word to me and i cried and felt miserrable the whole day my hubby got home early that day and was very happy because he had opened my first bank account but i felt so guilty and told him about the kiss and told me it was my fault not his brothers and told me he would forgive me but didnt want me near his brother whe still lived together but whe wouldnt speak to each other i was 14 my baby was 4 months old time passed and i turned 16 and got pregnant of my second child and cried because i wanted to finish school but my husband frecuantly had sex w/me w/out protection because it didnt make him feel "man enough" and i cried a lot because i didnt have no ones love or help by the time i had my second baby he(my b.in law) had gotten together with a girl and i was devastated but i knew he had to make his life and i had to go on with mine but when my baby turned 5 months old my brother in law came one day real early to the house and told me he couldnt fake what he was feeling no more and thought he was in love with me this was more than twoo years after that one kiss but i decided that whe could be friends so he came every day early after my hubby left for work and whe would talk like the old days of how his life is what are his dreams in life what he likes what he doesnt the same for me he would always make me laugh and i adored everything about him whe where made to be sown together finally after a month of talking and two years of having feelings for this man i decided i was ready to take this step of making love to him i had never been to happy of making love to someone because i didnt make love with my husband he was always too rough and never treated me or touched me with love...... I still remember that look in his eyes(brother in law) he said he didnt want to obligate me to do nothing i didnt want to but i said shhh.... And without words whe made love to eachother that day for the first time i felt love real love i was so happy every inch of my body felt happines, fulfilment and i was so surprised as to how it just takes one person for me to feel soo loved and in peace but i felt guilt after i saw my husband that day and couldnt be quite and i told him what had happened he again forgave me but told me to loose contact with his brother and i did again i was so mad and frustrated he had a baby with his wife and i cried because i would of loved to be the one to have given him a baby a year has pased since that day and i feel my loove for him stronger than ever my boyfriend in these past two years has beaten me cheatded on me for a whole year with a nother woman and has a daughter with her and oh my god i feel so trapped and sad i love him(brother in law) so much and want to be happy with him... I have suffered a lot with my husband he rapes me a lot and i feel miserable my brother in law came to talk with me a couple of days ago and as soon as i saw him i felt peace i opened the door with such rush and hugged him so tight he told me he is so sorry for being such a coward and letting me be hurt this way that he loves me and doesnt care no more about what ppl say if they critiziz he just wants us to be happy and he doesnt care if i have children that he loves them very much i told him i really have to think about this because it will be a big change for my children and for me i told my husband and i am ready but how do i handle all my emotions my feelings for such change what do i tell my children will it all be o.k and settled some day? I know at first it will take a while for my children to adjust to this new change and i will always have them halve ther father i will never change that or make them call my new husband daddy i really need advice i feel so naive and worried and confused hellp me please thank you so so much !!!
Xoxoxoxopeace and lovexoxoxoxoxoxox