Medical Questions > Relationships > Family Relationships Forum

in love with brother in-law...HELP!!!

Well let me try to explain myself the bestest way i can i had post this topic in truobled & abbusive relationships and had not seen this forum but im glad i did anyway:
i got married with a guy when i was 13 yrs old. He was 24 yrs old. I had a lot of problems in my house my mom was always violent with us never let us have friends it was 2003 and i still didnt know what a c.d. player was in chicago...anyway i fell sooo in love with this guy that honestly respected me always never made me do things i didnt want to do and always listended to me i left with him and a year later i had my first child i was 14 yrs old. It was very hard because he didnt have a good job to support us but then he got a good job he worked from 5:00 a.m. in the morning to 7:00 p.m. and when he finally would get home he wanted to sleep and since i got married my teen friends mothers didnt let them talk to me and my parents stopped talking tome for a couple of years and i had no one to talk to my brother in law lived with us so i would talk to him about my day and anything that would trouble me when my boyfriend wouldnt go to work instead of talking to me or even asking me how i feel he would just want to have sex and i sometimes didnt want to and if i didnt want to hed ague with me that maybe i was cheating on him or why else would i not want to have sex with him so i would give in and after whe had sex i would cry and he would go see t.v and leave me criying and i would run with my brother in law criying and he would hug me by the way he is just 4 years older than me my boyfriend always was to tired to talk with me never had time for me and when i would set up something romantic and buy a new baby-doll for him he would be too tired to be with me and i would go over and let out my feelings with his brother and he always knew how to make my tears go away and make me laugh when i would finally creep back inside to my room my hubby was already asleep and i would cry a little more because i felt i had no one some time passeed and i started feeling something for my brother in law but i didnt quite know what it was until he got a girlfriend and brought her home so i could meet her when i saw him kissing her i suddenly felt jeuleous(dont know how to spell that) i went to my room to cry meanwhile i heard them make love next door to me i was sobbing real bad they left and i cried some more my boyfriend was always working and i had no friends i gained some wheight and felt lonely ver lonely until i got fed up with this situation and finally had the guts to tell my brother in law what i felt for him and one day i got up real early and waited for him to come out of his room and when he did i told him thank u for being there for me when i most need it he said ure welcome and i suddenly felt the urge to kiss him so i did he corresponded to my kiss i didnt know if he felt the same way i did for me but then sudenly i felt bad and pushed him away from me and ran into my room he went to work without saying a word to me and i cried and felt miserrable the whole day my hubby got home early that day and was very happy because he had opened my first bank account but i felt so guilty and told him about the kiss and told me it was my fault not his brothers and told me he would forgive me but didnt want me near his brother whe still lived together but whe wouldnt speak to each other i was 14 my baby was 4 months old time passed and i turned 16 and got pregnant of my second child and cried because i wanted to finish school but my husband frecuantly had sex w/me w/out protection because it didnt make him feel "man enough" and i cried a lot because i didnt have no ones love or help by the time i had my second baby he(my b.in law) had gotten together with a girl and i was devastated but i knew he had to make his life and i had to go on with mine but when my baby turned 5 months old my brother in law came one day real early to the house and told me he couldnt fake what he was feeling no more and thought he was in love with me this was more than twoo years after that one kiss but i decided that whe could be friends so he came every day early after my hubby left for work and whe would talk like the old days of how his life is what are his dreams in life what he likes what he doesnt the same for me he would always make me laugh and i adored everything about him whe where made to be sown together finally after a month of talking and two years of having feelings for this man i decided i was ready to take this step of making love to him i had never been to happy of making love to someone because i didnt make love with my husband he was always too rough and never treated me or touched me with love...... I still remember that look in his eyes(brother in law) he said he didnt want to obligate me to do nothing i didnt want to but i said shhh.... And without words whe made love to eachother that day for the first time i felt love real love i was so happy every inch of my body felt happines, fulfilment and i was so surprised as to how it just takes one person for me to feel soo loved and in peace but i felt guilt after i saw my husband that day and couldnt be quite and i told him what had happened he again forgave me but told me to loose contact with his brother and i did again i was so mad and frustrated he had a baby with his wife and i cried because i would of loved to be the one to have given him a baby a year has pased since that day and i feel my loove for him stronger than ever my boyfriend in these past two years has beaten me cheatded on me for a whole year with a nother woman and has a daughter with her and oh my god i feel so trapped and sad i love him(brother in law) so much and want to be happy with him... I have suffered a lot with my husband he rapes me a lot and i feel miserable my brother in law came to talk with me a couple of days ago and as soon as i saw him i felt peace i opened the door with such rush and hugged him so tight he told me he is so sorry for being such a coward and letting me be hurt this way that he loves me and doesnt care no more about what ppl say if they critiziz he just wants us to be happy and he doesnt care if i have children that he loves them very much i told him i really have to think about this because it will be a big change for my children and for me i told my husband and i am ready but how do i handle all my emotions my feelings for such change what do i tell my children will it all be o.k and settled some day? I know at first it will take a while for my children to adjust to this new change and i will always have them halve ther father i will never change that or make them call my new husband daddy i really need advice i feel so naive and worried and confused hellp me please thank you so so much !!!
Xoxoxoxopeace and lovexoxoxoxoxoxox
Did you find this post helpful?
|

User Profile
replied March 20th, 2008
Supporter
Could you rephrase the question, hippiechik, but this time try to keep it to about 100 words? I think the length of it maybe put a few people off!

By the way, I didn't know you could get married at 13!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied March 21st, 2008
Why did your parents allow you to move in with a 24 year old @ the age of 13? Is this a part of your culture, or religion?
You have referred to him as your hubby, then you refer to him as your boyfriend which title does he hold?
No man should ever rape, cheat, or mistreat you. You deserve someone who respects you, You have to follow your heart. But at the same time you no longer can live for you, you are living for your children. Your sole responsiblity is your children,your children come first. Think about how they will feel when they get older, and the remorse they will feel towards you.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied March 21st, 2008
Why did your parents allow you to move in with a 24 year old @ the age of 13? Is this a part of your culture, or religion?
You have referred to him as your hubby, then you refer to him as your boyfriend which title does he hold?
No man should ever rape, cheat, or mistreat you. You deserve someone who respects you, You have to follow your heart. But at the same time you no longer can live for you, you are living for your children. Your sole responsiblity is your children,your children come first. Think about how they will feel when they get older, and the remorse they will feel towards you.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied March 25th, 2008
sorry if its too long but i couldnt leave out the details that probably were probably going to be asked anyways and thank you for support and taking time to read my problem and he is my boyfriend to you guys and my husband in my religion i have not yet married him legally but to ppl not from our religion we are boyfriends.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied March 25th, 2008
Experienced User
Why did you always go back and tell your husband?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied March 25th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
If you arent legally married then I would leave him. I say this mostly because he has hurt you and you love someone else. How old are you now? I guess you would be about 16 or 17 maybe. Can you leave with your brother in law? How old is your brother in law? He must be of age and maybe he can support you and your kids. But what would your husband do if he found out that you were leaving him for his brother? I dont really know what to tell you cause you have to be the one to make the decision. But I grew up seeing my mom abused, beat, and raped by my stepdad for 14 years of my life. I wanted to kill him. What I am syaing is that I saw my mom go through that and me and my other siblings have never quite gotten over the abuse. My brother suffers from post traumatic stress disorder and still has dreams of my mom getting hurt. Hes 19 now. Your kids deserve to see their mom happy and safe. The previous poster is right, your kids are number one. Yes they can still have a father but they do not need to see their mom hurt.

With all that aside you need to ask yourself how you will support you and your kids. Will you work or will your brother in law work and take care of you guys. Is there a chance your husband will go basurk and take his kids or hurt you really bad. What about your parents? Technically they still have power over you until you are 18. Where will you live? The reason I am asking you this is because you need to have a plan if you are going to leave your husband. You need to make sure that you have a way out. There are tons of organizaitons for battered women and their kids. They can help you get your own life. I dont mean to be harsh and ask so many questions. I just hope you dont suffer longer than you have to. You were a child getting into this marriage and you really didnt get to have your own life, I wish the best for you and your kids. PLease keep posting or pm me anytime you want to. I would love to help anyway I can.

By the way what religion are you? Cause that could definatley get in the way of you leaving.....
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied March 27th, 2008
thanks to everyone who reads my post and types down some advice for me and ROSIE H:i am currently 18 years old and i know my age is no obsticle for me anymore it used to be a lot because i would think :who is going to give a 13 year old a job but now i can work and if my husband wil go busark when i tell him ...he wont because he knows already u see i told him some weeks ago how i really feel and he always compares his brother to him and tells me how naive his brother is that he wont love my children like he does and then he beggs me not to leave in front of the babies to give him one more chance he cries and all of that makes me feel like the bad one because i am always the one who talks about us leaving eachother and then another thing before i got together with him he was an alcoholic for 2 years sincew hes been with me he (that i know of)has drank 3 times and has got drunk 1 time wich was the time he beat me up for sleeping with his brother ,it has really been tough because i am not afraid of him (my boyfriend) its just that he moves my inner feelings for him and that is what makes me stay...he told me(my boyfriend):you see you do feel something for me or other wise you would of just left me without caring ,youll see its just a fase what u feel for my brother with time youll love me again- what he doesnt understand is that if i care about him its because hes my babys' father and i may not love him but i do care about him.....eventhough he took away in a sence my childhood my teen years i dont hate him i sort of feel like sorry for him but it was very hard to let go of my barbie dolls and instead clean a house and cook not knowing anything i left with him thinking it was like in the fairy tales that whe would live happily ever after i wanted to go out with my friends but i had to be with my "husband"i would cry a lot because i was very dissapointed in what "love"was but when i met his brother i knew what love was what real love was he makes me feel so special just by the way he looks at me i know this is love because i have been feeling this way for him for the past 4 years and many times i try to forget him but i cant i can fake i dont love him but it would be in vain because it comes right back up to the surface ,i know that i will have problems like any toher marriage but i know we both can move on and i first want to study because my "husband"doesnt let me study, and finish my G.E.D and have something that makes me proud something that makes me feel independent.... i really feel stuck i dont know what to do my boyfriend told me to give him another chance and he has been really different with me and my children he is really sweet with me and he gives me more trust in going out with my friends by myself but will he stay like this and i think to much and hve been thinking what if he really stays like this and i leave him to go with his brother and his brother turns out bad i know im going to feel so tupid i probably think so inmature but all i want is to be happy and for once noy fake a smile.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied March 27th, 2008
larlen
if i went back and always told him was because after doing watever it wasi did i would see my children and think of everything my "husband"has given me i felt like an ungrateful person,wich is why i would always tell him and also because i thought i could forget his brother but i cant i know that already.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 10th, 2010
hippiechik1819 i am so glad i found ur post. i'm atually in the same situation your in only there is no marriage involved but i have a child with both of them. i'm so lost and confuse and i dnt know what to do. After i left my bf of 4 yrs (our son was 2) the only person that gave me a shoulder to lean on was his bro. After some months of talking on the phone telling eachother our problems we became good friends. By the way he had also just broken up w his gf and had a daughter the same age as my son. One night we went out w friends and ended up being w eachother. at first we both realized it was wrong but we couldnt help the way we felt. I started having strong feelings for him. I got preg and now my son is 7 mons but we are not together. we've talked about it and he told me he wants to be a family but idk what to say. I know i care abut him but i also care about my ex (his bro). i told my parents and they were supportive but his fam just found out and they hate me. THey cant eve look at me. This whole situation is screwed up. I hd kept this secret between me and him throughout my whole pregnancy up until 2 wks ago. But i know i did the right thing in telling them because its not the baby's fault and someday he'll want to know who his daddy is. I honestly dnt care anymore what people say or think as long as my parents still love me and are there to support me. Anyways i really dont know wht to tell you because i'm going through it myself. All i know is that only we can make the decision ourselves. Hope this helped in letting you know that ur not alone and that i'm sure there are more people in this same situation. Like i said i'm glad i came across ur post because it helped me.
|
Did you find this post helpful?