Yes..you read it correct..unlike most of the posts in this forum..i am a husband and a father of two writing this post..
First of all, both my wife and I are Indian living in Chicago..As some of you maybe aware, typical Indian families view marriage as a marriage between families and not individuals...So be it..We have been married for almost 11 years and yes, it was an arranged marriage..not in a sense you are used to..our parents were introduced to each other by a common friend..i met my future wife while in grad school and we agreed to our marriage..absolutely no pressure from parents..we got married in 3 months.....We now have a 4yr old son and a 2 yr old daughter..
Both of us are extremely attached to our respective parents..However in the span of the last 10 yrs, my dad passed away 5 yrs ago and my mom passed away last year..During the last 5 years, things got prettty heated up..My mother and my mother-in-law(MIL) and her mother (my wife's grandmother) visited us during early 07...One thing led to another and there were some heated arguments ...naturally being the son, I got the whole take from my mother that they were ganging up on her when I was at work...my wife is much more progressive and would stay away from these mindless arguments...since then my wife and I had numerous arguments..each taking the side of their respective families..During mid 07, my in-laws then decide to move in with us for good..then 3 months later during late 07, i had an outburst with my MIL when she intervened in an argument between my wife and I and in the distraction that ensued when my MIL was watching over my toddler son who was then 1.5, he fell off the top of the table..I had the choicest words for my MIL..within a month, they purchased another house across the street...things have been ok since then between my wife and I but i know my wife to this day blames me for kicking her parents out of our house..Since then her parents are us meet quite often, but we are superficial enough to put up a front and not create a scene..I try to control my temper in the presence of kids..my wife and i have had numerous fights since then always when the kids are asleep..once to the point that she slapped me in the face which sent me reeling on the floor..ofcourse, i would never raise a hand against a woman but i held her wrists really tight to stop being further hit...that whole incident left us with pangs of guilt about our behaviors, we both decided to let bygones be bygones and that very night had the most amazing sex..but that was a year ago...now we have sex maybe once in 2 months..my inlaws have since moved to New York and visit their house across the street occassionally to meet with the grandchildren..every time they do, we end up fighting... MIL still calls my wife everyday sometimes as late as 10 at night...i have decided to keep my distance from my in-laws but my wife sees that as disrespecting them...my take on that is that last year when my mother visited us, my wife completely ignored her presence in the house because of what happened during her visit the year before...my MIL and her mother have brainwashed my wife about how bad my mother was to her, etc...now that my mother had passed away, we still use some foul words on each other's parents...the other day, my FIL refused to talk to me when we were having dinner at his place..he for some reason thought I disrespected him..God knows..when they grow old, they are senile..I held on to my patience and that night took the kids and the wife to our place...he would not even say goodbye to me ...so next morning I told my wife that her father was an a**hole..she called my deceased mom a b**ch...so u know how ridiculous our fights are...my wife has sworn off sex for me, I am guessing for the rest of our married life just so that she can get back to me...I am waiting for our kids to be grown up...maybe in another 20 years when our kids are settled, we will go our separate ways and find more compatible partners...
Anybody out there who was patient enough to read the whole story, what did I as a husband do wrong? Any advice on making things better for our kids...
im in a similar situation sort of.
i have not been in my relationship for as long as you have though.
i have a child with my boyfriend, and we live with his brother and siter inlaw their 2 kids and the grandparents-my boyfriends parents- a big house!
my inlaws like to butt in to how i raise my child and do things, their way is always best, and what i have learnt is that everyone is a critic when you have children of your own.
you just have to tune out the bad and hear the good.
i know its hard and frustrating when everyone thinks their way is best all the time, but it help in making arguments less and less.
as for your love and sex life, have you considered talking or having regular appointments with a marriage/family counsellor?
it silly to let little fights get in the way of a long last family and love. fighting is what shapes a marriage and relationship, it is healthy to fight here and there...but maybe you two need some professional help understanding both parties points of view.
and if there is anyone in the world you could consider that for, it is your 2 children.
my boyfriend and i get into heated arguments from time to time, sometimes about his MIL butting in and controlling things, sometimes about why one person didnt put the dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink or counter! my boyfriend knows how his mother is, and tries to make peace sometimes and sometimes he tells her to just leave it alone.
but i really think counselling for you and your wife and even your inlaws could help salvage your marriage and relationship between the inlaws.
Thank you for your views and suggestions. I have been strongly considering meeting with a marriage counsellor. Just yesterday, I almost made up an appointment to meet with one. My wife is strongly against meeting with one. Her take is that we will blow a lot of money and nothing will get resolved. I will keep pushing and hopefully I will wear her out
i really think it would help.
but honestly, her attitude towards it shows no intrest in resolving this problem...and it almost seems as if it would sort of be a waste with her attitude towards it.
if i were you, i would ask her if she is even intrested in salvaging this marriage for the children, and if she even cares or if she would rather continue living fight after fight and never resolving an issue.
I think that if you mention doing it for the children, that it might hit hard to her and maybe she will go through with it.
if not, it says alot for her.
Sometimes people dont want to meet with professionals in this sort of stuff because they are threatened or do not want to admit that they have been wrong at times, which sort of sounds like your wife and inlaws and that is ashame because no one is perfect and we learn from ALL mistakes.
I hope she reconsiders and that you both do meet with one, i think it would benefit the both of very much.
If not, make an appointment for yourself, and see if the counsellor could help you encourage your wife to come to a meeting with you.
Thank you for your concern. An amazing turn of events !
In defense of my wife, she was extremely protected when she was raised in India and had no clue about what works and what does not. She had been living in an idealistic bubble. Apparently, she had been speaking with folks at work. She was big enough to admit that her colleagues at work agreed with me and told her that less than 5% of people actually get along with their in-laws and the most basic rule of thumb for parents is to lay off their married children. Somehow, her trusted colleagues at work put some reality into her and she has been a picture of good behavior since. She has been extremely easy on the kids, not losing her temper at the stupidest of things. She is a polar opposite of what she used to be. Its as if she has suddenly realized that we are indeed blessed with two lovely children and what we fight over is sheer arrogance on our part. Even better is that my father-in-law almost begged for forgiveness from me since I was keeping my distance from them and they now treat with me with the respect I deserve. Another great positive...my wife has initiated sex with me 5 times during the last 7 nights...Somehow she has realized that I have needs and I hope I can give her some sense of security and that it does not merely turn out to be a physical relationship. I try to be more intimate and caring of her needs and am even planning a getaway with her alone next time my in-laws visit so that they can babysit our kids. I cannot believe how things turned around this fast. I would like to believe its my faith in the almighty and thanking Him every night for what we have and not for what we don't
I just hope this whole experience makes better human beings out of both of us so that we are able to raise our two jewels who will hopefully turn out to be even better than us
wow imso glad to hear that things have turned around for you for the better!
sometimes its hard for people to admit that they are at fault in things, but im glad that your wife has come to terms with reality and has become a better loving mother and wife for your family.
and its a plus to hear that your inlaws are getting along with you better now too!
your welcome, and i wish you the best of luck with your family