It has been impossible for me to maintain a healthy relationship. I have dated men and women, heck I even tried dated both at the same time and it always ends the same. I am 30 years old, I was diagnosed as bipolar 12 years ago and have been on and off a long line of medications and have been in and out of different counceling facilities. The only thing that ever seems to help me feel normal is being in a relationship. In the beginning everything goes well. I am always up front about my illness and they tell me they can handle it, until one day I flip out in a psychotic rage and start yelling obsenities and belittling them and they leave. Not like I blame them. I'm not sure what causes my little episodes but I would do anything to make them go away. Sometimes I go as long as a year without feeling full of rage and think I may have a chance at a decent relationship. Sometimes I'm happy go lucky and the best woman these people say they have ever been with and then 3 months later I'm the biggest psycho they've ever known.
My longest relationship lasted 5 years. I think the only reason it lasted that long was because my girlfriend was also bipolar, along with her parents, so it was something she was familiar with and she knew how to deal with it. I've been known to become very violent in relationships, I have hot people and thrown things at them. I have called police and reported my exes for having illegal drugs when I myself may have the same drugs at home. I become a down right vindictive wench. I have sabotaged every relationship I have ever been in. I can be very judgemental and hypocritical.
I've been seeing a man for the last 6 months. He was bound and determined that we were going to spend our lives together and be the happiest couple ever. He is the sweetest man I have ever met. My children have become attached to him and just adore him. He is a wonderful father figure and companion. I'm not even attracted to this guy, but I thought he was really good for me. I have severe OCD and his filthy habits and redneck lifestyle are just too much for me. A couple of weeks ago I cracked. I don't know what set me off, but it was as though a bomb went off inside my brain. I've been harrassing him, belittling him, insulting him, and arguing with him ever since. And out of nowhere, another explosion in my brain and I started feeling really guilty and hating myself. I apologized to him and asked him to delete me from all online social networks and to put a block on my phone number and emails so that I can't hurt him anymore.
In the past week I've been doing a lot of research on OCD, ADHD, hypothyroidism, and bipolar disorder (all of which I have). I thought maybe if I could understand my problems, maybe I could figure out how to solve them and stop sabotaging my relationships. I spent he last couple of days bawling about how I treated him. I never felt an emotional connection with him and never felt as though he really loved me. I've never really felt like anyone loved me. I found a way to send messages to him and emailed him several links of forums to go to and things to read about my problems. I thought maybe if he understood what I've been going through for the past 12 years, maybe we could still be friends.
We met up for a couple of hours last night to talk. He said he read the information and he understood and wanted us to be friends and help me to overcome this. He told me I didn't have to be alone in this. He was very supportive and loving and was exactly the friend I needed him to be. Heck he even bought me dinner. But this morning, a thousand tiny bombs exploded inside of my head. I called him on the way to work and proceded to bog him down with every possible insult I could come up with. He told me he was done with me and my insults and would never talk to me again.
Why do I continue to hurt the ones I love? What's wrong with me? Why can't I stop belittle people? It's like an addiction, I'm like a crackhead only my crack is causing pain to others. It's not just boyfriends or girlfriends, I've been doing this same stuff to friends for as long as I can rememeber. My biggest fear in life is being alone. I have watched my mother suffer in solitude for the last 20 years because she can't trust anyone and doesn't want to get hurt. I don't want to end up like her. I want to be a good parent to my children. I want them to have a father figure in their life because I never did. But no man stands a chance with me and my crazy rage attacks. I thought maybe if someone loved me enough, they would help me learn to get through this. I have tried to do this on my own through medication and counceling and nothing I do seems to help. I thought reading these forums would give me some sense of hope, but all I'm seeing is people tell their stories of leaving their loved ones because they can't take it anymore. I read things like, "unless you want to hurt and suffer the rest of your life, run as far away from bipolar people as you can and certainly never get into a relationship with one." It's really discouraging. I'd rather be dead then be alone the rest of my life. I'd rather be dead then let my kids get attached to another man and watch as I throw him away. I'd rather be dead then sit alone at night crying uncontollably infront of them because I have no friends because I've belittled them all and forced them out of my life. I know I need to learn how to love myself before I can expect someone to love me, but I can't do this alone anymore, I need some help. I have no one to talk to and nowhere left to go around here. My family all thinks I'm a raging lunatic and they won't help either.
Should I just accept the fact that no one is ever going to want to be with such a lunatic and I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone?
I don't think you need to be alone. There is someone out there who will love you for you, and put up with your episodes. It will be hard for both of you and there will probably be a lot of questions (like I have) and tears, but you can do it. I found a good book for couples where one has bipolar. The book is called "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder". It has a lot of good tips and I think works best if the person who is sick is willing to work through the suggestions, and it sounds like you may be willing to do just that. The authors of the book are: Julie Fast and John Preston. Give a try an let me know what you think.
I know how you feel. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 a year ago. My father and sister are both bipolar as well. My dad is schizo effective so he has it bad. I would constantly rage and fight with my partner. I would throw things, say terrible things to make them feel bad, hit them and just flip out. One day in a rage I sliced my husband with a knife when we had a big fight. We were fighting about something so stupid and he was pushing by buttons and making it worse. I never thought I could ever do something like that, but something inside of me snapped and I meant to scare him with it and I actually sliced his arm. I got arrested and spent the night in jail. Luckily he didnt press charges and after spending 4 grand on a lawyer the charges were dropped, thank GOD! After that he went back to PA and quit his job and had to start his life over again. I felt so guilty and ashamed for what I did. I went to group therapy, started taking meds and seeing a private counselor. I even started going to church. We were separated for a year. About 6 months ago he moved back out here and got back with me. We were good for about a month. Now instead of raging I am obsessing. The meds have helped me control my anger but now I feel emotionless and obsessive. When we argue and he tells me how he feels its like it doesnt process in my mind. I understand what he is saying and he is right about what he says and I know I am crazy and have so many issues. I feel terrible for how I have ruined his life but at the moment when he is telling me all the stuff on his mind I just sit there like an idiot and dont know what to say. I cant say I am sorry because that doesnt mean anything anymore because I am constantly saying it. I sabotage my relationship every day. When he was gone he started talking to his ex and other women online. When he came back to AZ he checked my facebook account and so I decided to check his email account. I found all of these emails from girls he was talking to. I then checked all of his email accounts and found even more information. Since then it has become an obsession. I check his email constantly, check is phone, I even googled his username to see what sites he belonged to. Then when I found it he signed up for dating sites I made a big deal about it and started a fight. I check his web history and one day I found porn and got super jealous and started a fight with him. Meanwhile I watch porn to but I get so insecure with myself and feel like he is more attracted to them then he is me. I compare myself to everyone and I always fall short in my eyes. To get back at him I searched for men who were body builders and nude so he could see what it felt like. He used to be a body builder and now works out constantly but is not as big as he used to be so I figured he would get mad. I think it bothered him a little but if anything it just made me look even stupider. I am so childish and stupid but I dont know how to make it stop. He is so fed up with me and like you said its like a drug and I cant stop. I have replaced one bad habit for another. I take meds, I started therapy and I go to church. It seems like nothing can snap me out if it. I know he isnt cheating on me because he doesnt go out. He works hard, comes home studies, hits the gym and thats it. I know part of the reason is that he is the best looking guy I have ever dated and he is everything I could have asked for and I feel like he can have anyone and I do not understand or accept that he wants me. Since we first met I have gained weight and feel like crap about myself. Even before then though when I was 30lbs lighter I was still insecure. I dont know what to do and I am so scared that I am going to push him away for good. He is always saying he is going to leave and its like I push his limits. After all that we have been through I cant believe he deals with my crap. He deserves someone normal and I feel bad for making his life miserable. I just dont know how to change. Sometimes I feel like I will always be alone because I dont know how to love. I have a daughter as well and I think I am a good mother and she is happy, but I know she has also seen a lot with me fighting with my boyfriends and now husband. I dont want to ruin her life to. I pray every night that she isnt bipolar like me when she grows up. If I would have known I was bipolar at the time I would have never had children.