It has been impossible for me to maintain a healthy relationship. I have dated men and women, heck I even tried dated both at the same time and it always ends the same. I am 30 years old, I was diagnosed as bipolar 12 years ago and have been on and off a long line of medications and have been in and out of different counceling facilities. The only thing that ever seems to help me feel normal is being in a relationship. In the beginning everything goes well. I am always up front about my illness and they tell me they can handle it, until one day I flip out in a psychotic rage and start yelling obsenities and belittling them and they leave. Not like I blame them. I'm not sure what causes my little episodes but I would do anything to make them go away. Sometimes I go as long as a year without feeling full of rage and think I may have a chance at a decent relationship. Sometimes I'm happy go lucky and the best woman these people say they have ever been with and then 3 months later I'm the biggest psycho they've ever known.
My longest relationship lasted 5 years. I think the only reason it lasted that long was because my girlfriend was also bipolar, along with her parents, so it was something she was familiar with and she knew how to deal with it. I've been known to become very violent in relationships, I have hot people and thrown things at them. I have called police and reported my exes for having illegal drugs when I myself may have the same drugs at home. I become a down right vindictive wench. I have sabotaged every relationship I have ever been in. I can be very judgemental and hypocritical.
I've been seeing a man for the last 6 months. He was bound and determined that we were going to spend our lives together and be the happiest couple ever. He is the sweetest man I have ever met. My children have become attached to him and just adore him. He is a wonderful father figure and companion. I'm not even attracted to this guy, but I thought he was really good for me. I have severe OCD and his filthy habits and redneck lifestyle are just too much for me. A couple of weeks ago I cracked. I don't know what set me off, but it was as though a bomb went off inside my brain. I've been harrassing him, belittling him, insulting him, and arguing with him ever since. And out of nowhere, another explosion in my brain and I started feeling really guilty and hating myself. I apologized to him and asked him to delete me from all online social networks and to put a block on my phone number and emails so that I can't hurt him anymore.
In the past week I've been doing a lot of research on OCD, ADHD, hypothyroidism, and bipolar disorder (all of which I have). I thought maybe if I could understand my problems, maybe I could figure out how to solve them and stop sabotaging my relationships. I spent he last couple of days bawling about how I treated him. I never felt an emotional connection with him and never felt as though he really loved me. I've never really felt like anyone loved me. I found a way to send messages to him and emailed him several links of forums to go to and things to read about my problems. I thought maybe if he understood what I've been going through for the past 12 years, maybe we could still be friends.
We met up for a couple of hours last night to talk. He said he read the information and he understood and wanted us to be friends and help me to overcome this. He told me I didn't have to be alone in this. He was very supportive and loving and was exactly the friend I needed him to be. Heck he even bought me dinner. But this morning, a thousand tiny bombs exploded inside of my head. I called him on the way to work and proceded to bog him down with every possible insult I could come up with. He told me he was done with me and my insults and would never talk to me again.
Why do I continue to hurt the ones I love? What's wrong with me? Why can't I stop belittle people? It's like an addiction, I'm like a crackhead only my crack is causing pain to others. It's not just boyfriends or girlfriends, I've been doing this same stuff to friends for as long as I can rememeber. My biggest fear in life is being alone. I have watched my mother suffer in solitude for the last 20 years because she can't trust anyone and doesn't want to get hurt. I don't want to end up like her. I want to be a good parent to my children. I want them to have a father figure in their life because I never did. But no man stands a chance with me and my crazy rage attacks. I thought maybe if someone loved me enough, they would help me learn to get through this. I have tried to do this on my own through medication and counceling and nothing I do seems to help. I thought reading these forums would give me some sense of hope, but all I'm seeing is people tell their stories of leaving their loved ones because they can't take it anymore. I read things like, "unless you want to hurt and suffer the rest of your life, run as far away from bipolar people as you can and certainly never get into a relationship with one." It's really discouraging. I'd rather be dead then be alone the rest of my life. I'd rather be dead then let my kids get attached to another man and watch as I throw him away. I'd rather be dead then sit alone at night crying uncontollably infront of them because I have no friends because I've belittled them all and forced them out of my life. I know I need to learn how to love myself before I can expect someone to love me, but I can't do this alone anymore, I need some help. I have no one to talk to and nowhere left to go around here. My family all thinks I'm a raging lunatic and they won't help either.
Should I just accept the fact that no one is ever going to want to be with such a lunatic and I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone?
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