well i need help because i don't know whats wrong with me. Ever since I've been born I've felt different. i cant really tell you what it is. but i can tell you what does happen. I've been different. i dont act like every one else. though most of the kids think im just a wierdo and most of the teachers a goof ball i know im not that exactly.im smart. i think. i read alot and im very good at public speakking and litigating. i see the world differently. i see it from all angles. ive never seen the world as truly good and bad. when i think about that all the lines blur. and i see no one tries to be bad to be evil. no they just do what they thing is best. what they think is good. that makes me think where do i stand.
like i said i dont fit in usually. im the goof ball. and though i cant really tell you why im sad. or empty. i dont know how to explain it. its like when im around people im in the moment im good. but when i get home and i lay in bed. i feel this pressure in my chest like theres a vacumme stuck inside it. empty. i have problems sleeping. ill sleep an hour or less and spend twice that awake then anothe hour asleep and over and over and over again. it gets so bad i for get when im asleep or awake. the big problem is you cant sleep where you should and cant stay awake where you have to.
the thing is i all so think i have add. im do things and im keeping track of the sounds around me. people around me or even paranoiacle things. every where i go i make a mental map as to where im going so i can retrace them if need. ill be doing things and i feel like i need to be thinking about something. thats why i listen to music. it drowns out thoughts because it forces me to focus on it.so i can have only two or three things on my mind. a year ago my parents told me that when i was in first grade my teacher put me up to get checked and they did want me to go so i wouldnt be mediicaded.
now idk if im depresed because like i said im not crying or shy or anything. im insecure about my self but who isnt. ive had girl friends and i have one now but because of my stupidity i cant see her. but every emotion seems stronger sometimes. especially that feeling i get. sometimes im sitting down and i want to break something to make the monotony go away. i dont talk to any one about this. i need some one....