Hey, this is my first time writing something like this, I kind of feel ridiculous for doing it but I just want someone to talk to that doesn't know me in real life to try to help me out of my situation. I apologise if this is a lot to read but I have a lot to get off my chest.
First off, I'm a 21 year old guy living in the UK, coming up 22 soon. I suffered from agoraphobia for a good few years after high school that caused a lot of problems in my family & life, I didn't even know what I had until I searched on-line about my symptoms & I don't think any of my family believe me because I tried to hide it so well but just came across as lazy. I'm trying to get over it now but things keep creeping back up, I feel like I'm kidding myself when I think I'm past a problem. My self esteem is so low that It infuriates me. I constantly think I'm ugly, weird looking & unattractive to the point I get paranoid even if my hair is a mess. I hate interacting with people besides my few close friends, & even with them I feel if on my own & not with other friends, they wouldn't bother. I feel like I'm watching myself when I'm ever out doing something which stresses me out loads, I have to copy how my friends interact to fit in. I try to come across happy but I'm just not.
I've barely accomplished anything in my life compared to friends & family. I feel alone, tense, angry & I'm having bad thoughts all the time that I'm trying to ignore. I'm up all night with nothing to motivate me to get up in the morning, this is affecting my family & I need to do something about it before I give up forever. I try to go to sleep every night & think about turning my life around the next day but nothing changes, I've only ever had 1 job that didn't last too long, & 1 girlfriend with the same story. I've gone to so many colleges over the years that I stopped attending all the time. I fail at everything I do I feel so fed up trying any more. I feel so so alone I can't take it, when I start thinking about it I feel like smashing up everything in my sight in frustration. If someone pressures me to do something or shouts, I snap, panic & get really light headed. I now spend 80% of my life on-line, playing games or on the web till 6 in the morning, this is the only time I forget about everything. I get upset all the time when nobody is around & sometimes start crying when in bed which I find stupid for a guy my age.
I don't feel I can talk to my family because of the past. My parents have split so I'm not in contact with my dad, my mum has been in a mental home once & has had 2 nervous breakdowns. She doesn't deserve this to worry about. One of my sisters has tried to commit suicide before so I feel it's a sensitive subject to bring up I don't want to burden them with my problems. My other sister & my close friends have too much happening in their own lives to put up with me. My friends are starting to get fed up of me which I can tell & I’m becoming such a strain on my family which is killing me to see.
The only thing I feel keeping me strong is my mum & how much I love her & how hard she's tried for all of us all her life despite her own problems & I don't want to let her down.
I'm again sorry for this text but would really love someone to talk to because I think I'm depressed, thanks.
You are NOT alone, and you are CERTAINLY not ridiculous! This is a terrible feeling for anyone to have and it's so important for you to know that there is a huge community willing to support you without judgement and that yes, sweetie- you can absolutely find some relief from the feelings that you are having.
I am NOT a medical doctor. I have a University level education in Psychology and I went back later as a pre med student. Nothing I can give you is 'expert' advice. But, I too have a family history and sometimes, that can be an incredible study guide.
I think it's so important that you have acknowledged that you have tried things like college and relationships in the past and that you would like to be able to do that again.
That alone shows an amount of self love that is not just important, but necessary to get you through this hump and life in general.
You should know that anxiety and depression are generally viewed as things that may be genetic. I think there is a lot going on here. First, Perhaps depression and anxiety do run in your family- and that's common and there are a LOT of ways to help yourself before you feel like things are even darker.
In either case, you can't help anyone until you love you and become the best version of yourself that you can. You, just as much as anyone on this EARTH deserves love. Don't forget that, ever.
You have had a tough string of events!! Take it easy on yourself....As a starting point, think of what you might tell a friend who was feeling as you are feeling now. If this was a friend you truly cared about you would probably say something like, "You are a good person and you have not had it easy. You have no contact with your dad, your mothers hospitalization in weighing on you so heavily, and you have had to deal with worrying about your sister as well...I am SO, SO sorry. But I am worried for YOU! Those things would be incredibly lonely and heartbreaking for anyone. If someone was NOT depressed, I would be much more concerned....you are feeling NORMAL!!"
So if no one is there to be your friend and say it to you, then I will be your friend and say it to you until one day- you can say it to yourself. Deal?
You are NOT lazy. You are sad....you are sad and you have been given real reasons to be sad and your reactions are valid, and normal. I am SO proud of your for writing a letter and asking for help. Do you have any idea how much courage that shows or how much that says about you?? You obviously know that this is a terrible state, but that it does NOT have to be permanent. I know you are worried about your Mum, but you are her child too. You are allowed to ask for love and compassion...you have both suffered losses.
Now- she may not be able to give you what you need right now. As a matter of fact, she likely won't. But you are her child and you deserve love and support from her. I am the mother of a teenage boy and yes, I appreciates when he looks out for me, but it is MY job to look out for HIM. Your mom may feel that she is letting you down as well. But you can try to talk to her. If she can't help and you cannot find common ground over this- DON'T GIVE UP LOOKING!!
Your sister, of ALL people knows exactly how you feel. Maybe now, she has different coping mechanisms and I don't know enough about how these women are right now to give you any good advice- but I can tell you to try to talk to your sister first. Every single day she has to look for a reason not to try it again. And some days are easier on her than others. But if she knew her brother was suffering, she should want to comfort you and tell you that YOU are worth fighting for.
Outside of the family is your best bet right now....
What you can do is try to look for a good counselor who practices cognitive behavioral therapy. Find someone you are comfortable with and talk to them:) That is going to give you one thing to do that will not only begin to give you another perspective, but will also give you a reason to get up, dressed and out of the house. I know that is so difficult. I know it is. But if you can, it can help your self esteem tremendously if you are able to get out a bit.If not, there are others with agoraphobia and there are counselors who will find ways to work with that.
Maybe tomorrow spend some time online and see if you can find a counselor near. Make that a goal for tomorrow. Remember that you are NOT alone, please, please know that, my friend.
I was on this site researching a paper when I saw your post, I just couldn't log off without responding. I'm in the US so it's near 3am here and I have to get to sleep. But I'm going to check in on you tomorrow to see if you got this and see if you want to chat some more.
Remember- you are trying, you are trying to find a way to be happy and want to live and believe me...it does exist. Life can be so dark sometimes but the brightness can shine on you just as strong. You have had a lot of sad things happen in your world....try to be a friend to yourself. Until then,I can't promise that everything will be perfect because it never is...but I'll try to remind you that you're not alone...and it's not your fault...and this is not what forever will feel like. That is a promise I can make. Be well. I may be a stranger on the other side of the world, but I'm still going to check on you tomorrow!! Goodnight