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I was raped, going to a Program for my suicidal tendencies.

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I was raped by my sisters boyfriend and have to go to a Partial Hospitalization Program for my suicidal tendencies. I don't know if the therapy is even worth it. I've tried to kill myself so many times in the past. I get episodes where I fantasize about hurting the guy. I even think about killing him, I don't mean to, I feel horrible about thinking that way. I'm so confused. He told everyone it was consensual but I don't know. He's 20 and I'm 15. I feel like this is all my fault. I don't know what to do. The police questioned him and everything. It didn't feel like rape but when i told my doctors they said it was. I don't know I'm so confused. I get horrible dreams but not all the time and my sister hates me because she thinks it was consensual. She hasn't talked to me in a month and she lives with me. She won't even look at me. D
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First Helper Misstam
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replied November 20th, 2011
Your fantasies sound about right. For someone to rape another person is right behind killing somebody, it is an extreme criminal offence and will never be taken lightly. If he raped you, you need to tell someone that this is what happened. Obviously if you did consent it you cannot be putting a innocent person into prison. If you didnt want it to happen it was rape, end of. Either you wanted it to happen or you didnt. Would you talk to your sister if she had slept with your boyfriend? Im not having a go but you need to imagine how she feels. She needs to know if it was rape because if it was she should be helping and supporting you 100%. Killing yourself will get you know where? You want to be laying in a box for ever? Things always get better and you just need to fight it through, it will be worth it. Inbox me if you need to talk.
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replied November 20th, 2011
Oh my God, that's terrible D: You shouldn't think that it's your fault, not when you're the victim in this. I see that you have a really hard time because your sister won't believe you, she probably really love that guy but if her boyfriend raped you, it just proves how bad a guy he is. He's even a worse person if he rapes his girlfriend's sister.
It's not good to fantasize about killing someone but it's reasonable why you would want to. You must be really scared after what happened. Sad Try to find something that could release stress and take your mind off things. Since you are getting nightmares, you should sleep earlier to have enough sleep. Lighting a candle helps to sleep better. Don't exercise or play games 2 hours before you sleep.

Just a question though, your parents believe you right? If they do, they would be glad to help you and talk to your sister about it.
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Users who thank Anon_75 for this post: toxicwolf 

replied November 22nd, 2011
I was in a similar situation when I was 17, we were a dysfunctional family and unfortunately I wasnt able to speak to anyone.
When I opened up to the first person, they then used it against me, I was blamed and called horrible names.
This led to serious depression and suicidal behavior for 2 years.

Your experience will never leave you, although over time you learn to use your experience to grow, you will become stronger, a greater person.

I couldnt look at myself in a mirror for a long time, I ended up moving interstate when I was 19 to escape from the memories, the heartbreak though mostly the feeling of isolation.

6 years on, im in the middle of moving back home Smile
I am a successful, independent woman, who has the maturity and confidence of women far older.
Ive learned how to use these experiences to my benefit, I love the person I am today and as sad as it is, I wouldnt be ME without the good and the bad of my childhood.

My advise although this helped me, looking back now I would have tried again to open up. Family isnt the easiest to start with, so try a youth group.
You may not feel confident enough to walk in there alone, though I promise this first step, although the hardest is also the first step to recovering, and learning who you are, what you believe again.

They are an outside, non judgmental organization whom want to help, they will have advise, guidance and make you feel part of a unity. over time this will build the foundation for you to regain confidence and learn exactly what it is that makes you someone worth helping.
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replied November 25th, 2011
@anon_75: I don't know if my mom believes me. My dad does but he doesn't care enough to call me or anything. My mom constantly tells me that all this "drama" is my fault. She said rape or not it's my fault for being "stupid enough" to get myself in that situation to begin with.

@tamipaterson: Thanks I'm actually the head of my youth coven, I'm Wiccan. My religion helps me a lot and I try to keep myself busy with positive things but my mom is actually making me get rid of my books and stuff because shes trying to blame my religion for everything that's going on.

@DanAddison: The police, my stepdad, my real dad, the doctors, and all the therapists are telling me that it was rape even if sometimes it didn't feel like it. When he did try to rape me I tried to push him off but he wouldn't get off. After all the times I said no he would offer me money, gifts, and at one point he gave me a vibrator which I threw away. I was actually really close with his sister. We were really good friends but after a while I wouldn't hang out with her because I'd get aggressive and mean to her. My therapist said it's because she was a spitting image of him.

God I hate this. It doesn't matter how many people are gonna tell me it was rape, I'm always gonna feel guilty for getting him in trouble. He did some pretty horrible things to me and even hurt my sister a few times, but he also did a lot of good things to. I almost got jumped by some guys but he came to my rescue several times. He protected me against a lot of people and trouble I got myself in. I don't know, I don't think it's fair for anything of this to be happening, but whats really fair these days right? I don't know what to think, I'm scared and confused I don't know what to do or how to feel. :'(
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replied November 26th, 2011
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its not your fault at all... my mother committed suicide when i was eight years old and it screwed me up, i promise that if you ever do it will hurt everyone around you and the people that you care about, along with the people that care about you. my dad used to tell me that it was a permanent salution to a temporary problem. and really, it is. Ive been to glenn oaks on occasion because of the problems in my life that it has caused and it took me almost nine years to realize that it wasnt my fault. you need to be strong not only for yourself but for the people around you because it will affect them in ways you cant even imagine.
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replied December 11th, 2011
The people around me don't care. My mom tells me that this is all my fault and my sister won't even look at me. I here her talking crap to her friends in the next room and to my stepmom on the phone. My family hates me.
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replied December 30th, 2011
God sake f*** your family! YOUR 15 HE IS 20! That is all you need to know. Seek help for your horrific ordeal, but it is no reflection on you as a person. Unfortunately, you need to dis-trust your family if they have given you this sort of sickening attitude. Look for good friends . Good luck x
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replied February 25th, 2012
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There is something in this country called statutory rape. What this means is that any time an adult has sex with a minor, no matter how "consensual" it is, it counts as rape. But of course in your case it wasn't consensual. My point is that there doesn't need to be any question about what you were thinking or what he was thinking because it doesn't matter. It is illegal for a 20 year old to have sex with a 15 year old.

You went through some horrible experiences and by the sound of it still are going through horrible experiences. It's not your fault and you don't deserve it. What you deserve is a family who loves you. Every child deserves to be loved by their parents. You are a good person who deserves happiness. And you're not boring.
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replied February 25th, 2012
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And your sister has no right to be angry at you. You're the one who should be angry at her for dating the guy who raped you. She should be ashamed of herself. No one should date a rapist.
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replied February 25th, 2012
i honestly cant believe your family is like that but mine are too. i got raped at 15, i felt the same, cuz everyone blamed me for not being religious enough and not being a good girl.. its never the guys fault and my family didnt support me . im 23 today and the memories still linger in my mind cuz i was confused, i became close to that guy over time and he took advantage of it. I didnt realise what he had done till i was older, he should have known better . he was 7 years older than me but because he was very handsome, i had a crush on him and this just screwed up cuz he basically pressured me into having sex with him.

otherwise he would tell my parents that i had been talking to him. Being asian, thats a massive threat! and asian parents never think its the guys fault, always the girl for being silly enough to let it get to that point.

well basically what im trying to say is that iv been in your spot and maybe all these points im writing are to you are almost as if im writing to the 15 year old me who used to cut herself and get very depressed -

1) things WILL get better

2) Some day you WILL find someone who will love you ! MUCH MUCH more than your family. that guy wont play mind games on you, he wont judge you and he will love you . Theres fights and compromises in every relationship but its really worth it waking up next to someone you can trust! there will be many guys just wanting to have sex with you but you have to be open minded to see through that!

3) no matter how your sisters bf protected you against other guys, he also took advantage of you and thats not protection, thats just like saying im your friend and i will help you with so many things in life but then i go around gossiping about you after you tell me all your secrets and pretend it wasnt me (thats not really friendship now is it?)

4) Your sister for being such a jerk, not protecting her baby sister against her so called boyfriend. And your parents clearly have it wrong to not protect you, let it go , they're old and their point of view will probably not change (my parents didnt change either)

5) be in the house you are, use it to your advantage ! learn to ignore the stuff your parents say it cuz i kid you not when i say i used to cry every night cuz my dad didnt let one day pass without reminding me that i was taken advantage of therefore im stupid and i cant be trusted to make decisions at all. This will give you hell but you only have 3-4 years to go before you can graduate and look for a good job and go to college! oh god i cant tell you how important it is to get some kind of degree or qualification or skill that you can have a career from ! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't get pregnant ! babies are SO much work and all my cousins have babies and they dont even sleep at night!!!

6) Your parents dont care, fair enough babe but learn to let go, honestly you could be in a much much more worse position! Some women are exported to dubai from poor countries for harems where you are exploited and raped by men who basically bought you every single day! with no way out! You were raped once but when i was a kid i was molested too so i didn't even recognise this till i was much older. I was taken advantage of even when i was a kid.

7) You have food, shelter, you can become independent and your life is yours! you have power even though you think ur only 15. Make a plan for your life, where you want to be when ur 21 or 25 and work towards it . so that some day you can look back and be a proud person and say, im strong!

i feel for you , but please try to see what i mean when i say things could be worse , i dont mean it in a bad way, i just mean to say that be positive , you cannot dwell on the past too long. If you keep looking back , you will trip and fall. But if you look forward then you will be ok Smile
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