I was better off financially with my abusive ex.

He used to tell me, "You can't leave me, you'll never make it on your own.". He was right.

I left my verbally abusive husband three years ago. I have two kids who are now 17 and 19. I have increased my income by 40% since then, but I still don't make enough to pay my bills ($40K). We don't go out to eat or to the movies, have high-speed internet, cable, or smart phones. My son hasn't learned to drive, because there's no way I could afford car insurance for a teen-age boy. Our apartment (the ex got the house) is falling apart and is in a bad neighborhood. There are so many things that I thought were rights of passage for American teenagers that my kids will never have.

I couldn't afford a good divorce attorney, so there were mistakes made. One of the things was that I signed the quit claim deed on the house without getting him to sign a release on the mortgage. So, the mortgage balance still shows as outstanding debt on my credit report. All of the credit cards that I ran up while I was married haven't been paid since I left. I have one judgement against me, and the others are breathing down my neck. I live in a state where they can garnish my wages. They don't seem to care that I can't pay my rent, utilities, and food if they do that. I have been trying to go bankrupt, so that the collection agencies will stop, but I can't come up with the money.

I know I sound like a spoiled brat. I know there are people in so much worse shape than I am. But, when I was with him, he paid for therapy (one of the things he did was gaslight me). I had a gym membership. I could order out if I didn't feel up to cooking. I could buy anything I wanted at the grocery store. If my car was broken, I could take it to the shop, and they would fix it. If I was sick, I could go to the doctor. My kids had what their friends had.

I understand that so many people are so much worse off. I am sorry for them too.

My daughter will graduate high school in June. She has scholarships lined up, so she can go to college. She is going to have to live in a dorm. My son has also been going to community college, and will hopefully be able to transfer, so he will have housing too. At that point, I will give up my apartment and live in my car. I am out of options. Maybe if I live in the car till winter, I can save enough to file for bankruptcy. It won't add any money to my budget, but at least they won't be able to garnish my wages.

The stupid thing was that I left "for the kids". I wanted them to get away from the negative behaviors. But, since we left, I can't afford therapy. They don't respect me. I can't provide for them. My son tells me that it's my fault we don't have money.
-- neither one of them are sorry we left. They are happier now. ... they are happier. I am materialistic and can't deal with being poor. They have hope. They can go to college... I was smart, but I didn't go to college. My family thought that women should stay home and raise kids. I got married at 18.

So, everything I've done has been for my kids. And, they don't respect me for it. They just want more.

But, their dad doesn't speak to them. It's been 14 months since he spoke to my daughter. The therapist said he was a narcissistic sociopath incapable of love, so I think she's better off... But, my kids are starved for affection. And, without anything to charge my batteries, I just don't have anything left to give.

I can't have friends over, because they don't want to come to my apartment. They go out to eat, to concerts, and to the movies. I can't afford to go with them, so I don't do anything socially with anyone. I don't know how to meet new people if I can't go anywhere to meet them.

I wish I would have stayed with him. It was terrible, but it was better than this. When I was dealing with that, I had hope. I told myself that I could leave, and then it would be better. But now, there is nothing I can do to better my situation. I've maxed out on the jobs that I can get without a college degree. If I take out loans to get a degree, I might make more money, I might not. Even if I made more, the extra would go to paying student loans.

The only thing I see that I could get from a job that requires a degree is a less abusive boss. ... I still let people walk all over me. I get yelled at every day at work. ... I need the money...