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i want to tell my mom im not a virgin. how can i ? (Page 1)

im 16, i lost my virginity when i was 15, however it was not by choice, i was pressured into it. and i feel bad for keeping this from my mom. however she just started to trust me more.. and let me be in more control with my life. if i tell her im scared it will take away all trust and responsibility she has givin to me. i dont want her to over react, and punish me from seeing my current boyfriend. i just dont know if its the right time for me, or if i should wait a couple years. theres too much at risk.. but at the same time i owe it to her, she raised me and has beeen there for me through everything.
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First Helper ProudMommyof2008
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replied February 1st, 2009
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I will let you in on something. You don't have to tell your mother. If it is that you want to tell your mother, then by all means, please tell her. You can start off by telling her that you need to talk about a mistake you made. Then explain to her that you felt pressured to have sex, so you did. Tell her you realize what a big mistake it was, that you realize the consequences that you could have to live with from making that mistake (such as STD's, unwanted pregnancies, getting grounded, losing trust, etc.). And then, apologize. Tell her you understand that she has every right to be mad at you, to ground you, but assure her that you have learned your lesson. But you truly need to believe all of the above yourself. You don't have to tell her though, until you feel comfortable. Just remember that if she finds out from someone else, it could be a lot worse.
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replied March 22nd, 2011
i understand what you arteb talkin bout it is just that i havent had sex yet but i am gettin pressured tew do so. i mean i been wit my boyfriend for 3 years off and on and i just want tew do it but i am scared that my mom would get me tested to see if i was still a virgin but i want too
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replied November 15th, 2011
Do I tell my parents I want to have sex?
There is no way to tell if you are a virgin unless there is tearing but that only occurs during rough sex. I'm not saying you should go out and have sex though. I think you should talk to your parents first and make a decision. Is it really worth it. Trust me, I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half and we have had sex but I haven't talked to my parents and its making it difficult to be around them and now I am older and want birth control and it's going to be even more difficult to talk about that as well. Talk to your parents as it happens that way they feel like they are involved in your life and they will most likely be more understanding later on. Talk to them even if you think they will ground your or something. They have no right to stop you from seeing your boyfriend and if they try calmly explain that you understand they are upset but it isn't fair to say you can't see him because eventually you will see him and it will happen and the fact that they are stopping you won't help you when it does happen. It will just make you less prepared and less ready.
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replied June 9th, 2009
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Only you know your mother. Telling a parent that you lost your virginity is kind of like telling them that you're gay. You have to know if your parents will be accepting and supportive or not. If not, wait until you're older.
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replied July 1st, 2009
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o.k i dont know who these people are but dont listen to them. you were raped if you dident agree 100% you were raped tell your mother so. then tell her you want to be on birth control its your body not hers and she has no say so . if she does not agree find a friends mother you can trustto take you to the health department it will be free. and no she has no right to punish you for being honest and up front. for this is beter then showing up one night with news your pregnant right. do what your inner mind feels is right and remember its your body you do with it what you feel is best. and as far as waiting to have sex the right way dont let anyone tell you when is the right time you will know . my son is 17 and ive always been open with him he tells us everything he just recently became active and im proud he took our pleas for safe sex seriously and always uses condoms even if you get on the pill make them wear one. 'MAKE THEM' in the end its your decision and no one elses. and dont feel bad about any decision you make.just remember your only young a short while enjoy it while you have it you have a long time to be rown up. good luck sweetie reply anytime
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Users who thank bamagirl1 for this post: angelsandairwaves 

replied July 2nd, 2009
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bamagirl, she was pressured into it.
pressured meaning, talked into doing something and not having the confidence to say no thank you.
she gave into agreeing in having sex rather than saying im not ready for that yet.
she was not raped.
there is a difference.

girlygurl, if you feel that this is something you should tell your mother, do so.
you had said that your mother has started to instill more trust and responsibility in you, maybe this is something you should tell her to keep an open and honest relationship with her, and maybe a little trust and responsitility taken away from you could be a good thing. maybe you are not ready to take full control of your life and the decisions that you make.
maybe you need a little guidance from your mother again to follow the right path and make wise choices.

this is not a bad thing, it is a good thing.
you will have learnt from your mistakes, and gain more guidance and could end up walking away with a better relationship with your mother for telling her about having sex, and maybe by her giving you a little bit of monitored freedom, like calling when you get to a friends house, a curfew etc, talking to you about how to take control and feel condifent to say no if you do not want to do something fully, taking away trust to gain it back and slowing increasing responsibility, you will be able to make better choices in life and not feel guilty for making one.

remember, honesty is key.
this seems like its a big thing you are hiding from your mother and feel nervous to bring it up to her, but with that secret, hiding, and nervousness comes an unstable person, and that is where problems could come, your mother knows you better than anyone else, and guess what, she probably knows that you are not yourself lately and are hiding something.
-my mother always knows if im hiding something, she knows even before i tell her!-
you do not want to sabotage the relationship you have now with your mother by not being able to be honest with her.

face it, at 16 you are still learning things and need some guidance, your only 16 afterall. having a little punishment and regaining trust/responsibility is never a bad thing, you dont want to grow up faster that you have to. be a kid while you can, and learn as you grow.

im 19 almost 20 and i am still learning things as i get through each day hun. be honest and take responsibility for your actions, and i think things will go fine.

and you werent raped.

if you need to talk, PM me anytime
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replied July 2nd, 2009
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Proudmommyof2008...I applaude you! You gave girlygurl226 the absolute right advice. You are very wise for your 19 years. She was NOT raped. That was terrible advice, because then her mother might be inclined to go after her boyfriend and press charges, then girlygurl would have to admit she didn't say no. It would be a mess. She agreed through pressure, like the majority of the girls her age. It is bothering her...that's good! It shows she knows right from wrong. Now she has to fess up to it, because yes, her mother CAN tell something is bothering her. By telling her and agreeing that it was a mistake, her mother will continue to trust her. It would be good also, because now she has an excuse NOT to be pressured into having sex again...her mother knows. Once they boys get that taste, they are going to keep trying again and again.

She is under 18, and still the responsibility of her parents. So NO.. her body is NOT her own until SHE can take care of it herself. The right time for having sex is NOT before at least 17 or 18...these kids don't know how to deal with the consequences and then come running back home to mommy and daddy for help. About the ONLY good advice Bamgirl gave her was for the boy to wear a condom even with other birth control. But better advice would have been NOT to have sex so young. She'll do what she wants anyway, but I would not tell her it's ok, when it ISN'T.
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replied July 2nd, 2009
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well thank you raven for the compliment, it meant alot.

and your right, she is under the age of 18-legal adult age- and is still the responsibility of her parents, but i think she might feel that because her mother is letting her 'take charge in her life' means that she cannot be honest or tell her mother what she did, when that really doesnt show that she is able to take charge if she cannot own up to her actions.

i think shes a little misguided with what taking control of your life means, and maybe her mother should sit her down and explain what her expectations are with her doing this. i do not think it means going out doing something terrible and not telling anyone.

but raven, the unevidible has already happened, she had sex. so to tell her not to have had sex is a little late. and girls these days feel pressured or willingly are having sex at younger and younger ages..some kids in grade 5 now feel pressured to have sex.
it was easier back in the day to say not to have sex, but with the media these days portraying so much sex appeal, shows on tv, friends at school pressuring girls and guys to have sex, saying no is easier said than done. and especially if a person does not have the confidence to say a stern no, or does not feel the greatest about herself, its easier said than done.
and whatever she chooses to do, no one really is to judge, we might not feel ok with it, and she might not later on in life, but its her choice, her life and she has to live with it.

i think her mom should talk to her about what she expects from her daughter having more responsibility/control of her life/trust in her.
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replied July 2nd, 2009
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You're right Proudmommy, and as I said, you can "tell" them they shouldn't have sex so young, but in the end, they'll do what they wants anyway. I just hope she is smart about it if there is a next time, and uses LOTS of protection, because kids that age hardly know HOW to use the protection, let alone how to properly have sex. Usually it's the wham bam hurry up before we get caught type of sex. I know, I was there once too, and felt the pressure at 16, and guess what? Got pregnant the FIRST and only time I had sex before I was married! Yes, it DOES happen! Thanks goodness we stayed together and have been married 39 years now. But it's a shame that girls still feel they have to "put out" to keep their boyfriends. Yes, some do want to have sex, but I think the majority are pressured by their friends and boyfriends.
I hope she and her mother had a good talk, and she is learning to make the right choices for a happy healthy life.
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replied July 2nd, 2009
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girlygurl...

i'm going to take a totally different viewpoint on this. i'm not saying that the views you have received are wrong, because they are not. nor is this view right or wrong per se, it's just different.

i'm 27. my mom died when i was 13. she wasn't around when i lost my virginity, thus i didn't tell her. guess what? it didn't change a single thing about the situation that i didn't tell my mom. i was no longer a virgin.

i learned (maybe the hard way) that part of growing up and taking on adult responsibilities, attitudes, study and work ethics, sex, and such are fine and well to discuss with our adult counterparts (mom's, dad's, etc)...but part of growing up is learning to deal with your OWN life and the consequences and rewards of your OWN actions without having to tell everyone about it, get their permission, approval, etc.

i have always been very independent, and i feel like i'm a strong person. i just don't feel the need to squawk about everything that goes on with me to everyone else. if i do something smart or stupid, then i deal with my actions (good or bad) and learn from them. that's part of being (and becoming) an adult.

i work with a woman who is in her 40's who has a daughter who's 19. this woman doesn't WANT to know anything about her daughter's sexual life. she says that this is her daughter's business and hers alone.

all that having been said, in some ways it would have been nice to have had my mom around to discuss some of those things with. in some others, i feel like i grew up more confident as a result of having to work through those issues on my own.

in any event, and whatever choice you make, whether it's by my advice or someone elses, or your own thoughts...just do what's right for YOU!

best!
jasmine
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Users who thank Jazzy77 for this post: JavaMissus 

replied July 2nd, 2009
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Jaz, I've been sitting here debating going this same route...I'm not even sure if I am the same route, but this is my thought...I would have considered this too personal to have told my Mother...It is the intimate part of my life that no one, but I deserve to know...I would not have wanted to know how she and my Father had sex or when they did it or at what age...If I would not have cared, why should she have cared?...I feel that this is my feeling with dealing with my own personal life...It is the private me...I am the only person that will ever know of this special part of me that I let go...This will be only in my memory, and given at my chosen time in life...How and when this happened will always be a smile on my face...Just plain part of who I am....These are just my thoughts on this...

Caroline
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Users who thank JavaMissus for this post: Jazzy77 

replied July 2nd, 2009
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The one thing about this post is the fact that it's bothering girlygurl keeping this from her mother. It's evident by the fact that she even wrote the post. She obviously shares alot and feels very close to her mother, which I think is wonderful. There is not enough mother/daughter closeness in this world of ours. Another thing is, this is a CHILD. 15 is still a child, and maybe part of her feels since she was pressured into sex, she needs her mother's support. So all in all, it's one thing if the girl is older and mature enough to handle the situation, but apparently girlygurl needs the reassurance of her mother to make her feel that her experience was something she might think twice about the next time.
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replied July 2nd, 2009
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She is worried about being punished for this happening and this, to me,is disturbing..She fears privileges being taken away...Fear of not seeing her new boyfriend..She feels that she must tell her everything...Like a pact, and life should not be like this...What she has done is not bad, it is life, and it has happened...If she needs to talk to someone talk to a close relative that she trusts or a school counselor, but how would her Mother now act knowing what has already happened?..Would she distrust her and question what was now happening?....I, like all of you, am trying to think as a Mother...Pretty difficult as you are all younger than I am, but these are just my thoughts...

I do understand that what I talk about was the age that I truly was a woman...Unfortunately life has dragged young girls into this place where they feel that they must share their body to be accepted...I just still feel along these lines even though raven53, I can understand what you are saying...
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replied July 2nd, 2009
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raven53 wrote:
The one thing about this post is the fact that it's bothering girlygurl keeping this from her mother. It's evident by the fact that she even wrote the post. She obviously shares alot and feels very close to her mother, which I think is wonderful. There is not enough mother/daughter closeness in this world of ours. Another thing is, this is a CHILD. 15 is still a child, and maybe part of her feels since she was pressured into sex, she needs her mother's support. So all in all, it's one thing if the girl is older and mature enough to handle the situation, but apparently girlygurl needs the reassurance of her mother to make her feel that her experience was something she might think twice about the next time.


also a very good point raven. parents who are close in heart and mind are an extremely valuable resource in learning life's lessons. one could easily make an outstanding argument for either side of this. ultimately, it will be up to girlygurl to decide what is right for her and her mother.

the only other thing i would encourage girlygurl to consider is: don't just think about what's good for YOU. think about what's good for you, your mother, your relationship with her, and try to contemplate the ramifications of whatever you choose...upfront.

all this really highlights the fact that these adult decisions (like when to have sex for the first time) are really very complex, and as such, younger ppl are less capable of making a decision based on all of the inputs, but tend to make decisions based on peer pressure, or one or two inputs instead of considering all of the potential inputs.

i'm not knocking anybody, i was young when i had sex for the first time. i really WANTED to do it, and it was a wonderful, beautiful, sweet, awkward, loving, and tender experience. i still cherish the memories of my first time. it was everything i could have hoped for, but it was probably EARLIER in my life than i should have done it.

the reason i said that is because even though i had a wonderful experience, there were things (elements of the adult decision) that i didn't understand, comprehend, or even know about at that time. this is another reason why an adult's opinion/intervention may be important...particularly before having done the deed.

please understand i'm not arguing one side of this, because it's just up to girlygurl what's right for her. i just want to be sure she's looking at all sides of the situation.

jasmine
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replied July 2nd, 2009
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CarolineEF wrote:
She is worried about being punished for this happening and this, to me,is disturbing..She fears privileges being taken away...Fear of not seeing her new boyfriend..She feels that she must tell her everything...Like a pact, and life should not be like this...What she has done is not bad, it is life, and it has happened...If she needs to talk to someone talk to a close relative that she trusts or a school counselor, but how would her Mother now act knowing what has already happened?..Would she distrust her and question what was now happening?....I, like all of you, am trying to think as a Mother...Pretty difficult as you are all younger than I am, but these are just my thoughts...

I do understand that what I talk about was the age that I truly was a woman...Unfortunately life has dragged young girls into this place where they feel that they must share their body to be accepted...I just still feel along these lines even though raven53, I can understand what you are saying...


wow, this is a good point too. to reiterate your phrase (because it was profound) "what she has done is not bad, it's life, and it has happened". that's so true. question is...can the mom mentally get past the disappointment, etc. etc. etc...and see this exact point? maybe the decision to tell mom or not hinges on the answer to this question...how would she deal with the knowledge?

caroline, you're brilliant.
jasmine
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replied July 2nd, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
Nobody is taking into consideration the fact that this child is young, so therefore, her mother must not be that old either. Who is to say her mother didn't find herself in the same position as her daughter when she was her age? She might be more understanding than any of us thinks, having possibly walked in her daughter's shoes!
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replied July 2nd, 2009
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you dont understand the word rape i went to therapy at age 14 for this situation and was told by many it was rape even though it was the same situation under age and the guy old enough to know better, so its not the wrong word situations are always not going to conform to the kidnapped and beaten type of "RAPE" everyone has been told to know. im sorry you guys cant see that but im glad you have not had to expierience it or live with it.
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replied July 2nd, 2009
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Rape is forcing sex on a person without their consent. Girlygurl gave her consent. She did not say no. Nobody said her boyfriend was old enough to know better either. He's probably not much older that she was. Sorry you had to go through some bad experiences, but if she had told her mother she was raped, it could have caused some dire consequences for the boy AND for her, not to mention the rest of her family. You can't cry wolf like that without everyone getting hurt. She took responsibility for her actions, just had some regrets later like lots of kids that are too young for sex do.
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replied July 12th, 2009
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i understand your view i do but her words exactly were "it was not by choice" you know as well as me she had to have said no at one point . every cop and nurse and therapist told me no means no and if no was said even once it was forsed rape. not kidnapped and beaten rape but forced . which is what happened to me.and sounds like her. and it was my choice to press charges not my parents and i dident. i dont know the law in her state but i dont think he would have to worry. i worry about her living with this the way ive had to.. i hope shes ok and just want her to have a person to talk to openly and often like a school counselor or a therapist . i had that and it was great to get it out. i wish her the best only. i wanted her to know shes not alone in what happened and that it gets better in time.
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replied July 12th, 2009
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bam, did she constantly say no?
no she did not.
she was not 100% sure if she wanted to, and just said what the hell, and did it anyways.
that is NOT rape.
your experience and hers are two DIFFERENT SITUATIONS.
this girl was not in the situation you were in.
you might have constantly said no no no and the guy did not listen.
she was not 100% sure, gave in and was not attacked.
stop telling her she was raped when she was clearly not.
this is no where close to a rape case, and if she were raped, i think she would be posting i was raped rather than i want to tell my mom im not a virgin.
there is no physical trama done to her, no mental damage NO RAPE.
I felt pressured the first time i had sex as well, but pressure is different from rape, and i was not raped.
i was just not 100% sure if this was what i wanted to do like this girl, but i did it anyways, that is not rape. I had the same experience as she had.
it is not rape so stop telling her it is.
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replied July 12th, 2009
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Most girls start out their first sexual experience feeling pressured to give their boyfriends sex. They really don't want to do it, but agree because they don't want to lose the boyfriend, appear uncool, whatever. They just never verbalize it to the guy, but believe me, it's in their heads and they are thinking it, more than likely even as they are HAVING sex. It's not really pleasurable for girls that way, rather more of a wham/bam... because we are so young, don't want to get caught, hurry, hurry, hurry, get it over with. Proudmommy is right, it is not rape. I am sorry you were raped Bam, but that means you DID say no. It is two different things, and it's sad that most of us start out the way gurlygirl did for our first experience with sex. It's a wonder we even want to do it again after that!
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