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I want my boyfriend back -- I screwed up -- need advice

I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. We're in our mid-forty's and both have been married before. He is the most important person in my life....and we both love each other very much...but we have a few issues that has driven us to end our relationship. I've asked him to give our relationship another chance and he won't because he doesn't think it's going to get better. We both need to address issues....our issues that don't seem to work well together....when it's good it's good and when it's bad its bad. I would love your advice. I just don't want to lose him and give up what we have.....I love him very much.

At times when I’m in a bad mood, I can be short and cold to others. He admits that he is very sensitive and thinks I just do it to him and that it's because of him (and it's usually not). It's a quality I don't like about myself and I truly want to neutralize. It’s totally wrong of me and I've committed to working on it, but he doesn't believe I can.

Sometimes I don’t realize that I give the wrong impression with my body language and the way I say things (I've been given this feedback)……I’m misunderstood at times and he interprets it that I'm disappointed in him...when I'm not.

I have totally apologized for my behavior and I am 100% committed to work on these things, but he doesn't think I can.

My issues combined with some of his his qualities cause us to not be able to recover from a small disagreement at times....again...this doesn't happen frequently, but when it does it's not good.

Instead of talking with me when something bothers him, he comes up with his own version of what my motives are (which is usually way off base)vs talking to me about it and no matter what I say he isn't interested in listening at all to me or believe what I have to say

When he feels that I have treated him unfairly, there is incredible anger, vengeance and rage….he can just burst out and scream at me..his attitude is "screw it..I don't care". Normally he is a very loving, caring and thoughtful individual....it's almost like he wants to punish me. I just don't think he can help his reaction.

He is unable to forgive, never forgets and holds a grudge forever…..can’t recover…no matter how much I apologize, say I was wrong and I will not do it again, he will never let it go and forgive me

I know that my behavior is what triggers this and I'm committed to changing. I love him and would NEVER try to purposely hurt his feelings. I am sick that this has happened and I want this relationship to continue......I would love any advice. Is this a lost cause or is it worth trying to figure out....I believe it is worth it.

Thanks for your insight.
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replied September 8th, 2009
i dont think its completley lost, i think that you may be happyer trying to be friends instead of jumping back into a relationship again! work on your friendship, then maybe later when you think youre both ready then work slowly into a relationship. it is important not to rush or it might scare him away. i hope this helps!
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replied September 10th, 2009
Supporter
are you aggressive and he is passive!
i am over sensitive also, and it takes me a while to get over something when someone hurts me.
you have to be able to resolve your conflict or the relationship will never work.
i think the best thing to do is talk to him while he is calm and in a good mood.
be very tactful in what you say to him, knowing he is oversensitive.
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replied September 12th, 2009
I think that's probably fair to say that I'm aggressive and he's a little more passive. It's been a week and I've pretty much completely lost hope. I've basically "begged" him to give me another chance and am at the risk of completely humiliating myself at this point. I've chatted with him a few times this week and there's no doubt in my mind that we both love and respect each other very very much. But, he thinks I'm not capable of getting better. He says he's asked me for two things....be nice to him and treat him the way I want to be treated.....which I totally agree with......I just need to adjust my style given how sensitive he is. It's been a week and he's already out dating again. Even though it's incredibly hard.....I think I have no choice but to cut him lose....but not what I want at all.

Very sad ex-girlfriend Sad
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replied September 12th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey s00772
You two are odd-couple wrong for one another. You can resist your urge to be yourself but you shouldn't have to be. You should really be with someone who's thick-skinned and appreciates your outspokenness. Give your boy some time to salve his wounds and make a gesture of friendship. Work at winning his trust back and see where things go but accept that you may not be allowed to be more than friends again.
Best of luck.
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replied September 12th, 2009
Thanks for insight....not really what I want to hear...but I know you're right. I've just never been in a relationship with someone who is sensitive....that's new for me.... I believe that I made adjustments and he acknowledged that as well......but it was never enough.
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replied October 10th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey s007721
Like I said it may never be enough. You guys have very different needs. If you really want him back work towards that, but it may just be wiser to look for someone that clicks better with your.
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replied October 10th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hi s007721, sorry to say this but wolf makes a lot of sense, you two are different and sometimes the truth is not what we want to hear, because you love this man you throw all the right decisions to the back of your head and push them away because all your feeling is love...understandable but you need to be realistic if you give it another go do you think that the problems you have pushed away are going to stay there? No they will resurface maybe not straight away but further on in the relationship when your deeper in love and this is just going to hurt you both twice as much. If you really are going to make a go of it then i suggest that you both sit down together and iron out the issues first...good luck...Jenny
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replied November 5th, 2009
I can totally relate to your situation here. I've wronged my ex boyfriend and like you, have pleaded and promised that I would change. I openly admit that I can be a selfish person who doesn't always consider my loved one's feelings. I have been praying for change. Whether it's through faith or some other way, you must concentrate on you first. I'm going through the same right now as my b/f has ended our relationship as well. I am heart broken. I miss him and think of him all the time, but I also understand that I need to work on myself first. So try this and if you two are meant to be together, he will find his way back to you. I keep praying for this, but deep inside I know that I don't want to set myself up for disappointment if he doesn't come back to me. I know what you are going through and I pray that you will come out of this stronger and a better person. Smile.
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replied November 5th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hi s007721 did you manage to sort everything out with your man? i hope so let us know Smile Jenny
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replied February 15th, 2014
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