I'm 18, going on 19 in a few months and for the past two weeks I've been in an extremely depressed mood. I'm not happy and I'm just not feelin' anything. I have just been down in my basement(my room) and mostly trying to do something engaging, but a lot of the time, I find myself just laying there all wrapped up in my blanket staring at the wall in my own head. I can't really sleep well and that results in my laying there in the dark in my own head too. I have been thinking very dark thoughts about how I'm a burden in my household because I'm tired all the time and worrying I haven't been giving my boyfriend enough attention since I don't really want to talk to anyone. I don't think about suicide, but I think about just going away to somewhere where i don't have to do anything and it wouldn't bother anyone.
I also find that I cry super easily at things the past week. I do. not. cry. Just suddenly everything makes me cry. I cried over mashed potatoes. I didn't drop any, there wasn't any in front of me, not even in the process of being made, just the thought of eating mashed potatoes made me cry. Sometimes I'll be lying there and I literally won't be thinking about anything and I'll cry really hard over nothing, then I'll stop and sit there in the trance you get afterward and I'll snap back remembering that I finally stopped crying and I'll start again just like that. I've also been having a love/hate relationship with food. Some days, I'll eat food like normal, maybe even over eat a little. Then for a few days I find the mere concept of food revolting and a chore so I eat very little to the point that I am weak. On those days I find that I think about how food makes one gain weight and I scold myself for eating too much when I've only had two uncrustable sandwiches the entire day. I am not fat and I say that confidently. I am well within the target weight for my age and height and I've never really been super concerned about it before either. And I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder or have had thoughts that I need to starve myself.
My family is very supportive but they treat me like I'm fragile if I'm ever upset or cry over anything because they see me as a very strong person that takes a lot to tear down. I hate it and I know they're trying their best to help me, but it's honestly just annoying. I have talked with my boyfriend a bit about this, but he's been sick lately and I don't want to stress him out with this and make him more sick. He's the only person in the world that I allow to calm me down whenever I get really anxious and freak out because he's really the only person who can. He and I understand exactly how to calm each other down when we get upset and we aren't in any bad spots. He and I also have very busy schedules so we don't get to see each other very often and in a few days will be the first time we've hung out since I've been in this mood, so hopefully he might be able to help. I haven't had any upsets in any relationship that would matter enough to cause all this to happen.
In the technical stuff I have been diagnosed with depressed moods and mild mixed anxiety(although I believe it's more severe than mild considering the attacks I've had within the past year). I went to therapy, but we both agreed that I can handle myself now and stopped going last year. I have been diagnosed with severe low vitamin D levels which I know is strongly correlated to depression, but not necessarily the direct cause, nor can treating it necessarily help the depression either. Although, I do take prescription and over the counter vitamin D supplements at the same time as directed by my doctor. I only started taking it within the past week so I doubt that if it will help my mood that it would have done something so soon. I also work at a traditional pizza joint and it's been quite stressful there since I'm being trained into a new, higher position, and it involves working with 600 degree brick ovens. Have worked quite a bit since we're a little understaffed at the moment and I usually do a few double shifts a week. In the past few weeks I have worked on all of my days off except for one or two and the work itself is exhausting. If you put together the fact that I require food everyday I work to get through my shift because of how demanding it is, my wonky eating habits, my schedule, and my sleeping habits of late I do not feel very good in general health. I have recently worked myself sick and I really don't want to do it again. It's just this whole thing makes it hard. I personally don't go to school so I don't have that added stress, but I do have the stress of everyone expecting me to go soon and I find it's been irritating me more and more lately. Also, if it helps, I am the type of person that's usually bubbly and is really good at cheering people up with bad jokes and witty inappropriate comments, but I don't take it too far that I hide behind it. I don't force myself to act cheerful if I'm not feelin' it.
I know I've written an essay and a half already so I really really appreciate if you've read this whole thing and can help me. I'm just looking for any possible explanation to why this could be happening. Thank you.
I would really love to get some sun, but it's sort of hard since I live in Minnesota and it's the middle of winter. I'm also a redhead so I can't be in the sun too long because I don't have melanin in my skin and I don't know if sun lotion hinders my body from soaking up vitamin D.