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I've lost control of myself.

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This is extremely painful to write about, but I've kept things bottled up inside since I was about 14, maybe 15, and I figure that I should really probably start somewhere or it'll just explode out whether I want it to or not. I had always dealt with some anger problems when I was little, and after the rage subsided I went into long periods of depression. I was down on myself and down on everything around me. It went away when I graduated high school and now I'm slated to graduate college in December and am engaged to a beautiful, caring woman.

But then it came back. I don't have a job and spend day after day revising my resume, my contacts, my CV, and nothing helps. I'm living with my parents until I graduate and then I'm supposed to move in with my fiance and our two friends, but I don't feel like our friends recognize my extreme levels of sadness and self-rejection. Rather, they ostracize me for wanting to be alone much of the time and feed this sick paranoia in my chest that they all talk behind my back. My fiance is very sociable and hangs out with people all the time, so it feels like it's driving a deep wedge between us.

Which brings me to why it took me until today to post anything. Today is her birthday and she is about 80 miles away and I couldn't go see her because I have no gas and no money in my account; I had spent every penny I had to buy her a gift that I will give her the next day she's back. It didn't stop her from asking why I wasn't up there and I'm sure she's having a great time with our friends. I ... just feel very, very low. I cried for the first time in years and, while I have no suicidal tendencies, have an extreme urge to just self destruct, I suppose. To just let loose on the rest of the world for not giving me the things I have worked so hard for: a loving marriage, a well-paying job, friends who understand me, etc.

It's funny how one can spend an entire life working to avoid failure only to become one.
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replied November 6th, 2010
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Hi mtb33088,

Thank you for sharing your story. Congratulations in becoming a college graduate! I would advise you not to move in with your fiance and your friends, that would be a disater waiting to happen. They don't understand this fear you are experiencing. I would suggest you have a very indept conversation with your girlfriend, telling her what is going on with you. You are not only financially having problems but emotionally as well. You aren't ready to take that big leap into living on your own or with your finance until you get some long term counselling. You are an intelligent young man who has his entire life ahead of him...you certainly NOT a failure, you just need to take a little more time and take care of you before you can take care of your finance.

Good Luck and don't give up

Faded Rose
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replied November 7th, 2010
Dear mtb33088
I agree with “Faded Rose” that you have a lot going for you. The years of being a young adult seem to be the most difficult for a lot of people, and no-one seems to understand you or to really listen to you, especially the grown-ups. Mind you, there are people who do have the gift of listening and then there are those who appear to be listening, but you get the feeling that you are just talking to a brick wall.
With your depression it could be a medical condition like bi-polar, or it could be because life in general is grim and tedious. I’m a positive person by nature, and so lucky I don’t get depression (apart from a normal response to when something bad happens) or bi-polar, but there are some days I just get sick and angry with life on earth, especially as you don’t choose to be born (although there are some who would disagree.)
I can sympathise with you having no job because I was made redundant from mine, but after nearly 2 years I‘ve found a job (huge drop in salary though), despite not being academic like you, and my IQ hovers slightly on the wrong side of average – I got the job because of my attributes (like being a supportive team member) and work experience. Here in NZ, it’s very difficult to get a foot in if you aren’t advanced in the Microsoft office suite (loathe Excel).
Like you, my days were spent worrying about finances and the electricity bill (had visions of dying from starvation or hypothermia) and I must have tweaked my resume & cover letters over a hundred times. Plus endless time on the internet job hunting, keeping up with contacts, getting reject emails or letters. So you just got to keep searching for that perfect employer, and like I told “thesorrow16” (4 Nov 2010), think about all the wonderful and brilliant things about yourself – wish I had your academic achievements!
I hope you can talk to someone really supportive and non-judgemental about your anxieties, and if a middle-aged person like me, with no university qualifications, and from a non-computer era can get a job, then you will surely get one. You will be a bonus and asset to whoever is lucky enough to hire you – believe it!
PS: It’s great to be alone – rejoice in it. Some people will always look down on others if they don’t conform into their caged box.
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replied November 8th, 2010
It's funny how one can spend an entire life working to avoid failure only to become one.

what you just said there is the reason i gave up on life i tried so hard to do my best on my own that it ruined it i hope for all the best for you dont stop trying like i am just stop trying so hard or you will end up like me i went from straight A student to me currently failing year 10 i had a tun of friends wich are slowly drifting away all i can seem to do is dance and make beats its my thing and probly the only reason i couldnt kill my self over im slowly losing grasp of my life
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replied November 8th, 2010
Dear sharifsta, how about you stop working so hard to become a perceived failure, and enjoy NOT being a failure, although of course in life we all feel like failures. You can become an A person again - strength is at the end of your arms. You already enjoy your dancing and making beats.
I could never kill myself because I think of all the books, movies (you Americans make such marvellous movies and TV programmes!), etc I have yet to see. At the moment I'm immersed in the Doctor Who dvds.

To the other sad souls out there, wish a magic wand could wave away all your hurt and pain, or that Dr.Who could whisk us all away in his Tardis!

I will sign off (going for a walk - sun's finally out!) and leave you sharifsta (brilliant name!) and mtb33088 with this:

Here are some wise quotes from a past Prime Minister of Great Britain:
"When someone laughs at you because you're different, laugh at them for being all the same".

"If you are going through hell, keep going".

From memory, Winston Spencer Churchill (related to the late Princess Diana), failed at school, made a military boo-boo during World War 1, which resulted in the death of many,and yet he just kept soldiering on and became a great Prime Minister!
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replied November 8th, 2010
You need an antidepressant. And a girlfriend of mine takes Wellbutrin, I think it is, because she was having severe anger attacks.

Believe it or not, I don't like meds, but you sound like you are down VERY low. Go to the doctor, get a prescription, and stabilize yourself while you get your feet under you.

One of the things that people look for when they hire people is NOT depression! You can write well, you have been able to catch the eye of a very social young lady, you've gotten through college (cool!), and you're having a rocky time of it.

One of the things that's wonderful about this time that we live in is that we realize that our brains are plastic and we can change how they are; we are getting more insight into things like depression; and things that seemed like permanent dead ends even a decade ago, can now be seen as bumps in the road.

Tell your girlfriend that you need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of her, and that you want to not be depressed so that you can get a job.

Oh, and also realize that you and your generation are having a terrible time,and that all of the other generations are noticing. As a matter of fact, I just heard something the other day that said that your generation is going to have more resilience and will be happier with less than most previous generations -- because you're learning how to live in such lean times.

What do they say? It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you? Well, getting a job in most of the country absolutely bites right now, it's true.

Get lots of exercise to help that anger stuff (run, swim, and so forth) -- it will REALLY help you. Don't drink a lot or take bad drugs, and make sure that you feed that awesome young body of yours. You can do this!
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replied November 8th, 2010
One more thing. If you EVER want to get married, you HAVE to learn the skill of *not* bottling stuff up. So if you don't want to have to refer to this marriage as a "throwaway" or "practice" marriage, learn that stuff BEFORE you get married! Churches and other counselors are good for that. Good luck! Remember: if something upsets you, wait until you're no longer upset to discuss it.

(Can you tell that I'm a mom to a boy? Smile)
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