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I've learned that I cannot burn my past away...

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a few days ago, i mixed some simple chemicals together and put them on my arm, in hopes that i could erase these horrid scars... i had done this in the past and it had worked (although i dont suggest it) ... the scars i had this time were deeper and on the inside of my left arm. the were self injury scars with the most recent one having been done this past january. instead of erasing the scars like i wanted, i severely burned my arm. an urgent care, and an emergency room later, i have lortabs for pain (because its that bad) and silvadean for topical use. the skin is so damaged that the doctor has recommended plastic surgery. he says that the surgery is the only way that my arm will be able to recover from the burns and scars. i am suppose to see a plastic surgeon sometime next week. i never meant for it to happen like this, but now that it has, ive really accepted that i have a serious issue. i have been hurting myself for almost 9 years now. the longest i weent without hurting myself was 7 months. that was the biggest accomplishment that i ever made. this time, ive taken it way too far.

i guess i was just wandering if anybody else has any comments about "taking it too far" that they would like to share, or if anybody has had to have plastic surgery for a case like this... if so, id love to be able to relate to someone instead of feeling so alone... for this burning incident anyways...
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replied February 28th, 2012
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Hey, I feel for you, especially when you mentioned you haven't done it for, or the longest you went without doing it was 7 months. the longest I've went without was I think was close to yours or longer because once I got on Lithium, I didn't do it t all, but still had moment or two. I felt regret, anger, and guilt because I was proud of myself for not doing it, and when I did it, I knew I messed up. A time I knew I taken it two far was when I was 16, and two weeks ago. When I was 16, one night I got into a fight (at the time, I was always in a fight with her, or my dad) with my sister and was so angery, I wanted to take it out on her, but did on myself. I use to pop razors out of sharpeners, like pencils and eyeliner ones: well, I dragged and pushed too hard on my leg, and I didn't bleed right away, after a few minutes, I did. I cut too deep, and thought to myself that I needed better help and went way to far. Fortunately, it quit bleeding over night with a huge band aid. My second time was a couple of week ago. I haven't been doing well this semester in college, so I've been going back counseling. That one night, I lost it, I couldn't take it, once gain, and through my books and homework, and said screw it. I was mad at myself because I thought I had come so fr with great grades, and the dean's list. I didn't cut, but I pulled my hair out, and slammed arm with my fist as hard as I could. I've also had a past history with hitting myself, too. My forearm swelled up, and had another know on it. I was scared then. I now know that my bipolar is so out of hand that the next time could be it. I could really end up regretting it.

I thought I would share a couple of my stories with you. I hope things go well with your surgery, and everything turns out for the better.

I don't mind sharing my experiences because no matter how hard I try to hide it, it ends up showing anyway, and I'm far from even trying to quit or put on a "happy face".
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replied February 28th, 2012
I had a fiance whom i was with for 3 years, im now 20 and it ended last year, i drank hard liqour from half a bottle ro 3 bottles every day.. Ruined my relationship with my family, lost my job and friends.

This i believe i was more depressed then iv ever felt in my life, and at 20 to drink this much for 1-2 years is not good at all. Im still struggling to give up as my mum is the only one helping me, and so is my current girlfriend of 1 month.. I drink less now but the withdrawels are terrible.. This is my story anyhow so wanted to tell people never to go to the bottle.
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replied February 28th, 2012
I had a fiance whom i was with for 3 years, im now 20 and it ended last year, i drank hard liqour from half a bottle ro 3 bottles every day.. Ruined my relationship with my family, lost my job and friends.

This i believe i was more depressed then iv ever felt in my life, and at 20 to drink this much for 1-2 years is not good at all. Im still struggling to give up as my mum is the only one helping me, and so is my current girlfriend of 1 month.. I drink less now but the withdrawels are terrible.. This is my story anyhow so wanted to tell people never to go to the bottle.
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replied March 2nd, 2012
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thank you both for sharing, it helps to know that i have this website, and can just vent and not be judged. honestly, if it werent for this site, i wouldnt have made it as far as i have/am...
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replied April 4th, 2012
Hey Smile
I know how you feel !
i've been too far with cutting before
it got so bad that my friends gave up on me because of it and now i feel even more alone then ever.
i'm currently in grade 12 and not only do i have depression, but i also have had a learning disability so no matter how hard i try i fail in almost every subject and that gets me really depressed most of the time, after i get assignments/exams back i just cut myself because it's my fault that i failed...
and now i'm addicted to cutting and sometimes at school when i feel like crap i run to a bathroom and find anything sharp and cut myself.
anywho they're my experiences with self harm, i'm still going through it
so i know how it feels ! <3
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