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I think I'm in an abusive relationship and I can't get out

I'm not sure but after tonight I think I may be in an abusive relationship. I have been suffering for a few years now with Lupus SLE and as a result of taking predisone I have gained about a hundred pounds. So you can imagin what I look like. Now my current boyfriend of three years has begun to become meaner and meaner to me.

Tonight's fight was not unlike others we've had over the years that I have to admit have been getting more frequent. 2 months ago he and I decided to move intogether so at the end of the month we will be sharing an apartment. At first I was excited adn happy but now i'm scared and depressed about it.

About a week ago he called me up and we started out talking normally but then something was said, can't remember what but it wasn't anything bad at all and it just seemed to trigger his already bad mood. He beugn to spout out mean things to me saying taht I wasn't attractive to him sexually because of my weight.

That I don't dress sexy enough for him, that I can't go and visit his mother anymore (we are close) and that I'm horrible in bed so he can't bare to have sex with me.

I cried and cried and he was actually mad that I was crying he said that I always cry and I need to be more mature. I can't help it when he says things to me like that it hurts, and I always cry when i'm upset nad frusterated.

Tonight was I think that last straw for me. I called him up to say hello and I could tell he wasn't in a great mood and he out of the blue said I need to make sure that when we move into out place that I keep emotional boundries with him so that I don't tread on his emotional boundries. I have never heard of that so I asked what are the emotional boundries, what doesn't or does he want me to do? He got uspet that i didn't understand and seemed very frusterated that I didn't know what that ment.

He said I was mary poppinsy and to simple and that I need to get a dictionary and look it up. I cried and he got upset. Then the critizing started. He started telling me I was overweight, that I am horrible in bed, that we can't communicate and he has no problems with other people just me.

He told me that he cringes when I call and he's not happy with me I frusterate him with what I do (and honestly I have no idea what I do I don't do anything I'm aware of) and all his getting upset is my fault and he's just expressing himself.

I can't sleep and I feel sick and scared inside. In less then 2 weeks we are going to be sharing an apartment adn I'm afraid that the mental abuse might escalate into physical and I don't wnat to go throuhg with this move but I don't knwo how to get out.

Any advice is appreciated.
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replied August 14th, 2009
Experienced User
Ok i have lived through and survived a mentally and physicly abusive relationship and i can tell you that your relationship will very likely become a phsycly abusive one.He is telling you that your fat bad in bed and so on to lower yourself esteem so that you need him you will feel worthless and think you cant do better,its the begining you see so when you move in together and your selfesteem is sufficiantly lowered he will most likely become physicly abusive to you knowing you wont leave as you feel you cant do better,You think that these outbursts are just bad moods for him but i dont,They are carefully laid out plans hes preparing you knowing that soon he will be living with you and he wants you doing exactly what he says when he says it.I urge you to put a stop to your plans whilst you still can and please dont listen when he says bad things to you and show him that you know its not true.Instead of crying (which i know is hard) try saying oh well if im so bad then you wont want to live with me were over and put the phone down.You need to show him you are strong and will not put up with any kind of abuse and will quite happyly move on (even if its not true) he has to believe it is. good luck Smile
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replied August 14th, 2009
Ok, I know I'm in a bad relationship...but hun, I'd have to say you're worse off. You need to ditch this guy right away. If he's not man enough to realize that you're a beautiful person, regardless of weight, then he must not be much of a man at all. Trust me, I was over 100 lbs overweight and I know that someone adding to your level of self-consciousness is never helpful. And what DarkDesire said is true, if he finds you to be so aweful, then why on Earth would he stay w/ you?!?! Just think about those things, and update us on your life - everyone is here for you Smile
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replied August 14th, 2009
Experienced User
dump him if he cant accept you for you then thats his problem your beautiful just the way you are. Im sure he has flaw also. Im hear for you. Trust me it took alot of work with my fiance. when i was about 15 he started being metally abusive then physical. I stayed with him (stupid me) but now im 20 and he is 24. I love him with all my heart. He hasnt acted like that since i was 16. (thank heavens) but there is always remember back to that time in my life. It took a lot of counseling to work everything out... but i dont recomend it i think you can find someone way better than that who loves you for you and doesnt care about looks.
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replied August 15th, 2009
Thanks everyone
It's so hard to leave and I have no idea why. I always said that I woudl never be the abused girl and here I am abused. We've already signed the lease and I feel horrible to back out of it now. I've called a friend of mine who has an amazing counsellor and she said that she'll set me up with her so that I can at least start the ball rolling in getting some help for myself.
I am afriad that in time it willt turn physical. I tried tonight approaching the fact that I thought he was being a bit mentally abusive and he got upset and said that when he gets mad at me it's beause I've driven him to that. He doesn't fight, or get upset for no reason so I say things, or nag him to that point. I really can't think of anything I said wrong to start that fight last night but who knows maybe it's my fault. Is it possible that I'm driving him to these extreams without knowing it.? He said that I can't communicate properly with him and that I don't get him. I try to make him happy but nothing I do is ever good enouhg. Tonight I was doing dishes and I accidentally broke a small plate and he freaked out at me.
I don't know i'm so lost and confused.
thanks for the support though I really need all I can get right now.
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replied August 15th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey stefanylea
I don't see a clear indication of an abusive relationship but he's not terribly nice. You wouldn't take that sort of treatment from a roommate. You shouldn't make exceptions fr him just because he's your boyfriend. Tell him you're not going to move in with a guy who's mean to you, offer to pay for half of whatever the cancellation of the lease is. Whatever the price is it will be cheaper than what it will cost you to live with a guy who's angry and mean-spirited for a year.

If you can work with your boyfriend about how he treats you. Be wary of anything he does that isolates you from friends or family or puts you in position of dependence.
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replied August 15th, 2009
Experienced User
I see the begining of an abusive relationship here and it seems to me that your allready deep into it.You tried to talk to him about his behaviour towards you and he put all the blame on you,and your acctually considering that this maybe your fault which it is not.When he annoys you do you abuse him?.No you dont,The above post is correct do not let him isolate you from friends and familly because very often after this is achieved things will get worse,Its very important that you show him now that you wont be treated like this (i know its hard) but you have too good luck Smile
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replied August 21st, 2009
stefanylea:

I hope you have gotten with the counselor....

"I think I'm in an abusive relationship"...if you "think" you are, you probably know you are...If you were in a non-abusive relationship I don't think you would be wondering...

"I can't get out" sounds like a cry for help, and also suggests you are codependent. The fact you are overweight speaks of other issues....it sounds like you are a kind person...and you don't understand people who aren't..but it also sounds like you are insecure about yourself...people who have a strong sense of identity know where the boundaries are, they know how to be kind and strong, independent, giving, and take care of themselves...

it takes two people with strong independent identities to make a strong relationship...

I'm speaking from experience and years and years of therapy and a bad relationship...it only gets harder to get out of because you become more invested, kids come, sometimes the kids then join in blaming mom for all the problems, then you are really outnumbered, you may get sick, old, with no one way to support yourself...

of course you could also choose to stay and hope he changes...but remember you can't change him, he has to change himself...but I wonder what the chances are he will change if he thinks that you are the problem...

even if you are part of the problem, would you treat someone with problems like he treats you...do you treat his problems the way he treats yours? Does he show as much concern as the strangers on this page?

Please keep us informed about how you are doing. We really care about what happens to you.

HardRoad
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