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i remember wanting to just be skinny ....

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so lately ive been like freaking out. ive always been like obsessive about my weight(i'm like 190, 5'5, 15 years old :s) like when i was in grade 2 i think, i began gaining weight when i moved to a new town. & ever since ive always been over weight. when i was like 8 i remember wanting to just be skinny and i'd get like sad and depressed and i'd cry. when i was i think about 12-14 i lost about 40-50 pounds. but i gained it all back, just in different spots(used to be in my tummy, now its like everywhere:() im always trying to diet and lose weight but its really hard, and stresses me out. i'm contently looking in mirrors or windows and feeling sick and annoyed about myself. about last week, i somehow ended up watching something about anorexia and ever since its like in my head. now whenever i eat all i feel is guilty and sad. i feel like i want to puke just after 5 bites of food so i try and stop eating. last night i just started crying for no reason except that i looked in the mirror. i've even had dreams about it all, i forget them but i know that they were defiantly about my weight and not wanting to eat. i know this is probably really stupid, but idk what to do. i cant talk about it with my mom cause im pretty sure she has an eating disorder herself :s idk if anyone can tell me if its just like all in my head ? or what..
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First Helper GreenBeansally123
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replied March 22nd, 2012
Hey Smile I hope your doing okay. I am really sorry to hear about the way you are feeling. I have had an eating disorder for a long time and I experience the things happening to you right now. I always look in anything that gives me a reflection, because I'm sure I must look gross so I always have to be checking.

The fact that you feel bad after eating a few bites of food and wanting to get sick...
Then there is the part where it is in your dreams...
That is because it is a constant on your mind right? Everything else can be taking place around you and you are involved..but always in the back of your mind you are somehow thinking of your image...is that how you feel? Always paranoid of what someone is thinking about the way you look..?

Well, believe it or not, you are most likely the only one pointing out your flaws. Like when you are walking somewhere and you see people, you may think (I'm sure they are saying my legs look big or my shirt looks bad on my body...Whatever it may be) But at least for me, I think I am the only one obsessing over it..others just see a person walking by.

It is so hard to have a negative view on yourself and not let it affect so much in your life. I totally understand how you feel.

I have called my mom crying and freaking out because I had to much to eat the last couple of days and I have gained a pound or two. I mean I literally feel helpless and worthless.

The thing is..don't you see people all the time who are bigger then you or have an odd body shape or look to skinny or too whatever? But even then..what goes through your head..? Nothing really, right? Because there is nothing actually wrong with that person and they look just fine.

The problem does not come from what others think, it is all in our own heads..we make up what is attractive and if we are not exactly that way, then we hate ourselves for it.

The only way you are going to feel at all better about the way you have been feeling is if you talk to someone. Open up and don't be afraid to share your feelings. If you struggle with this on your own it is going to eat you alive.

I know you said you don't think you can talk to your mom, because you think she has an eating disorder. But why couldn't you talk to her then...? If she does then I would think she would be more willing to help and more understanding to how you are feeling...and she may have really good advice for you.
But, I do not know the situation, so maybe that just isn't the case.

I would like to know how you lost the weight before and what you think caused you to gain it?
Are there other things leading to this?
Also, have you tried alternatives to losing weight?

I am just curious, because the more I know the more I can try and help..or at least talk to you about it.

Also.. since your mind is always focused on eating and how you look.. I would try and distract it. For example, when I am around my friends or family and having so much fun and keeping focused on them, I could eat and not feel as bad, because I am not channeling all of my energy on me and image. If you really enjoy doing something or have a wonderful time around a person or people...then try and consume yourself with that and see if it makes any difference.

Anyways, you are not stupid and you are not alone.
I am sure you are a beautiful person and I wish you could see it. Smile I hope I could help a little. I hope to hear back from you and maybe figure out some solutions to this or at least give ya someone you can talk too. TTYL Smile
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replied May 1st, 2012
you are so awesome! haha that's basically how i feel 24/7. like i even freak out that my mom thinks im fat. :/ but i lost weight by doing this program called dr. bernstein. im planning to start a juice diet tomorrow, hopefully it'll give me modivation & what not! i really i want to thank you for your kind words ! honestly. you seem like a really nice person & i'm sorry that it took me this long to reply!
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