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December 29th, 2011
Let me start this off by saying I have been diagnosed formally with borderline personality disorder. It's a fancy way of saying my emotions have not grown up with me. I am 22 years old and I had a very neglected childhood full of fear and instability. As a result, my entire life is driven by fear.

I am full of anger and hurt. I have loved a woman for 5 years. She is the first person I have ever loved. She is also 30 years older than me. She has a very stable life and has stuck by my side all this time through terror and through me pushing her away because she knew that I could make my own life better and be truthful and real. She believed that I could make myself okay and she supported me. But I have been a horrible partner to her. I lie constantly. I use other people in life just to have someone to fall back on because I'm always waiting for everything to fall apart.

My mom left me when i was 7 for two years, and then again when i was 12 for 4 years. just completely disappeared. So I believe most of my instability comes from abandonment. constant fear. I can't shake it.

Anyway, My partner... my love.. she left me. because I have destroyed her. I am angry. I am angry that she stayed and created this attachment i have to her. I am angry that she is telling me what she is doing. I am angry that I didn't have the guts to drop all of my emotional defenses that i am constantly using and just be the person she loved. She is my life and now she is living a carefree life and I am not a factor in the decisions she makes now. And it is tearing at every part of me. I feel like I will never be able to love another person because I believe I will do the same again.

I don't love myself, I have absolutely no emotional support in my life. I am 22 and I have a job but I have no car or license. I have no friends. I have no one who truly loves me and I don't even deserve it.

There was one month of this entire 5 years that I started feeling better about myself. But I was still not being a real person to the woman I love.

I want her. I want to own her and that is the reality of it. I use people. I could have loved her if i had given in to everything i'm afraid of.

I need to know what to do. I have nowhere to turn. I am in the darkest, most lonely place I have ever been in. And for once in 5 years, she doesn't care. not even a tiny bit. She is focusing on making herself happy.

I guess I am not truly mad at her. I am angry at my mom. I am angry at everything that brought me to this place. I have had this woman who loves me for 5 years and I never gave anything back.

Where do i go?
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MissMurder90
replied December 31st, 2011
sry to hear u feel this way but holy crap dude do u hear the words coming out of ur mouth? first of all it sounds like u put the only women or person who really cares about u threw hell and im proud of her for finally standing up for her self and making her self happy for once instead of making an ungrateful man such as u happy....also if u cant make urself happy how do u expect someone else to make u happy yeah thats not going to happen....as for ur excuse as to why u treat her like dog crap its a bunch of bull s**t i was beaten left in crack houses and crack heads while my parents triped out on drugs and would starve most of the time because they needed there fix i lived in a house full of used needles of which i had to walk on cockroaches flys and spiders everywere and my clothes didnt fit i had no friends i had no one i had my grandmother sometimes. then my father almost slit my mothers throat in front of my face the poliece took him then came along my step ada who i didnt know he stole us away to cali from az i hated him he used to hit me all the time while my mother watched...although he is an amazing man now and i love him more than anything. i got pregnant at 18 to a man who only cheated on me and was never there for me but now tha same guy is in the military and hes clean and hes an amazing hubby and mydaughter is 3 now. so if u want to talk about being messed up in the head talk to me the girl who watched her mother sniff crack off her school book. ur reasons for being the way u are are lakme and the doctors just gave u a name to put on it really its u ur an a** hole get over ur self and i hope she never takes u back u need to grow up and get a life and stop using other ppl as a crutch
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MissMurder90
replied December 31st, 2011
sry to hear u feel this way but holy crap dude do u hear the words coming out of ur mouth? first of all it sounds like u put the only women or person who really cares about u threw hell and im proud of her for finally standing up for her self and making her self happy for once instead of making an ungrateful man such as u happy....also if u cant make urself happy how do u expect someone else to make u happy yeah thats not going to happen....as for ur excuse as to why u treat her like dog crap its a bunch of bull s**t i was beaten left in crack houses and crack heads while my parents triped out on drugs and would starve most of the time because they needed there fix i lived in a house full of used needles of which i had to walk on cockroaches flys and spiders everywere and my clothes didnt fit i had no friends i had no one i had my grandmother sometimes. then my father almost slit my mothers throat in front of my face the poliece took him then came along my step ada who i didnt know he stole us away to cali from az i hated him he used to hit me all the time while my mother watched...although he is an amazing man now and i love him more than anything. i got pregnant at 18 to a man who only cheated on me and was never there for me but now tha same guy is in the military and hes clean and hes an amazing hubby and mydaughter is 3 now. so if u want to talk about being messed up in the head talk to me the girl who watched her mother sniff crack off her school book. ur reasons for being the way u are are lakme and the doctors just gave u a name to put on it really its u ur an a** hole get over ur self and i hope she never takes u back u need to grow up and get a life and stop using other ppl as a crutch
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narcissisticliar
replied January 2nd, 2012
It's silly that you don't know me, don't even know half of the story, and you feel that you can judge me.

You didn't hear the part where she was 49 and i was 17 when she and i fell in love. the year after my mother came back from her little trip. You didn't hear the part where i desperately for 2 years tried to cut off all communication from her and she did everything she could to pull me back in. I was and am emotionally attached to her for a lot of reasons and 5 years contains a whole lot of information that you couldn't get out of a few paragraphs. I came here because I feel that I wasn't a good partner to a woman I love. I came here to spill out what i was feeling because I literally haven't had a soul to talk to besides my journal.

I appreciate your opinion but as someone who has studied my past in order to understand why I create situations that repeat my childhood... and as someone who has gained insight and hugely changed my behavior, and as someone you honestly know nothing about, I will have to suggest that you think before you spew out self righteous judgement.

I am sorry to hear about your difficult experiences. And with what you have been through, i'm certain it's affected your behavior in many ways. And i'm not unaware that everyone has a choice in what they do. But I would not judge you.

Thank you again for your input. however nonconstructive it was.
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MissMurder90
replied January 2nd, 2012
In that long non constructive stuff I typed out I was pretty much telling u that u need to grow up ....a lot. If she doesn't want u she doesn't want u. BTW nothing that happend to me has changed the way I am I'm a good mother and a good person as well I don't hide behing my past and blame my faults on that
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MissMurder90
replied January 2nd, 2012
In that long non constructive stuff I typed out I was pretty much telling u that u need to grow up ....a lot. If she doesn't want u she doesn't want u. BTW nothing that happend to me has changed the way I am I'm a good mother and a good person as well I don't hide behing my past and blame my faults on that
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