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I read my boyfriend's text messages

I have been dating a great man for 10 months. We live an hour apart, so we don't get to see each often, maybe 2 or 3 times a month.

There were a couple of days where I didn't hear from him. I knew something was wrong with him, but he didn't want to talk about it. He's the type of person that prefers to think about things on his own and not talk about it. I've known this about him for a while now.

Well, I thought I would try to find out what was wrong so I could help him. I went through his phone and read his text messages. Of course I found nothing to help me nor did I find anything to make me worry about our relationship.

I came clean about what I did because I didn't want to lie to him. I apologized and told him I learned my lesson. He said he isn't upset that I went through his phone, but that I betrayed his trust he had in me. He has given me no reason to think he was cheating and that's not what I was looking for.

I don't know what to do. We've decided that we want to grow old together, but now I've broken his trust. How can I prove to him that I do trust him? What do I say?
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First Helper ameretto
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replied June 21st, 2009
Supporter
when i m stressed out i like to think about my issues, and i dont like to talk about it. which isnt good because when i am stressed out i should talk to someone because it's added support.
tell your boyfriend that it bothers you when you see him worried about something and doing his deep thinking, without including you.
tell him that you are his supporter and you want to be included.
listen to this,
i remember i told my b/f i was upset by something and i dont want to talk about it. he was so upset and said "dont you know when your upset, i m upset also". he made me feel bad by saying that. so i told him what i was going through.
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replied June 29th, 2009
Experienced User
One of the things you will learn in life; as a girlfriend, or a parent, is NEVER to admit when you spy.

I always check up on whatever my clients tell me, because like 'House' I know people lie, and I can't help them when they lie; hence, it is a knee jerk for me that if a person says they live at 124 Green Street, to make sure they do live there, etc.

With men, with kids, you have to check and never admit you checked.

Everyone trusted Bernie Madoff, no one checked. No one did those cute little behind the scenes things to find out where there money was...hence they lost millions.

This relationship is not going to be...when men don't share with you that means they haven't bonded. Some can't.

I have found that men who share grow up to have bonding relationships with their wives. Men who go into 'black holes' never bond.
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replied July 29th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
One of the things you will learn in life, as a girlfriend. is NEVER to spy. Don't lie to him. Don't trick him. Men are really simple. They want to be treated fairly. They'll tolerate a world of bad behavior before they'll put up with dishonesty. Most men who've been around the block recognize the pattern that women who don't trust are women who lie or cheat in the relationship. Worst yet when you constantly doubt your partner, eventually they will stop trying to be worthy of your trust.

It can be hard when your partner isn't sharing things with you but it is a very normal masculine trait not to share feelings or problems with others. Your boyfriend has a right to some privacy. If he doesn't want to talk about what's brothering him you should respect his comfort. However there's no harm in telling him how helpless that makes you feel or how much it hurts you to see him hurting.

So you've lost his trust. It sucks. You didn't have it before you met him. Go back to square one. you've told him that you spied on him out of concern, prove that statement by continuing to show concern for him. Look for opportunities to show him that you trust him. Be extraordinarily careful about violating his privacy. Be a woman he wants to trust, do all those great girlfriend things for him. Consider yourself back to courtship for a while.
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replied July 29th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
I totally agree with Wolf. Don't spy.

If you feel the need to spy, there is either something wrong in the relationship or with you. Yes, someone should have checked on Bernie Madoff, but that's business, not personal. If that's how you view your personal relationships, then that's not good. (Also, I think the unbelievably large investment returns Madoff's investors were supposedly seeing should have raised some eyebrows, but that's another topic).

Yes, you can ask where he's been or who he's been with without badgering. You can look out for signs of cheating or lying, basic consistency, but snooping goes too far. The problem with it is that when you find nothing, that gives you a pay-off. It's like, okay, it's clean, so I can relax now. Unfortunately, that relaxed feeling doesn't last. It becomes like a person with OCD checking the stove. Each time they are obsessing over the stove being on (even if they checked it five minutes ago), they can't stop thinking about it until they check it again. You can't let yourself fall into that pattern. It will destroy both you and your relationship.

If he does cheat, then you need to require complete transparency from him, but until then, he's entitled to your trust. Now you just have to earn his back. It may take time, but since it was just one slip, it probably won't take much time for him to forgive you.
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replied August 21st, 2009
im in the same boat, I knew my boyfriend of 2 and a half yrs had an old phone he dos'nt use..he used it for abit when we 1st got together but has had 2 phones since, i was'nt spying cos i knew he wud'nt av anything to hide because hes never gave me a reason to think he was cheating and still has'nt, but the other day i was bored at his and so just turned his old phone on and had alook cos i knew there wud be old photos and video's of me..i looked theu the video's and found a home made sex which i thought was us..but it was'nt.it was with a women he was messing with 3 mths b4 he got with me, i understand its his passed and i wonder if hes 4got there on there,but when we 1st met he used that phone and so them vids was on there when we started out..im shocked with wat i saw and i know i shud'nt av looked but its not cos i ont trust him cos i knew he had'nt used this phone for yrs...! i cant rest and wonder if he dose look back now and then at the vids of him and this other gal and im pulling myself apart..im a type of person who cant 4get and need to talk about things but i also know that he wont see it like that,that i was'nt spying on him..he has a massive issue on trust and so do i,but when i got with him anything i had from my passed i got rid of asap,felt it was unloyal to keep..! ive thought about deleating them to ease my mind but ive been told its not my place to.but if i deleat them i ease my mind and also dont av to tell him...if hes 4got they are there he wont know there missing, i know it seems bad n i shud'nt av looked even tho i was'nt spying he has done wrong by keeping them,i see that as being unloyal to me as i feel strongly about aving things of ur exs when in another relationship...
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replied August 21st, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
He probably did forget about the video. He doesn't even use that phone anymore. Rather than deleting the video, suggest that he should turn his phone in and get it recycled. Some stores will give you a few dollars in a gift certificate as incentive to keep people from just throwing them away. Some charities also take working phones and give them to disabled and elderly people who cannot afford to buy their own phones so they can use them in emergencies. Maybe find a charity like that and have him give his phone to them. Either way, the video would be gone for good. Just make sure you remind him to wipe the memory. Smile

If it's the idea that he kept it that is bothering you, you can either try to forget it or talk to him about it. If you were really just looking for pictures of the two of you, then you weren't really spying. I don't know if he would take it that way, however. That's your call. If you do choose to talk to him about it, don't get mad or confront him. Just bring it up casually. Like, "hey, I was looking for that picture that you took of me when we went to such and such a place and I found this video." Apologize for looking at his phone without asking him, but say that you didn't do it to spy and that you really weren't looking for anything bad.

You could also say that you were going through some stuff (like maybe an old phone of yours or some old boxes) and found some pictures of old boyfriends. Say that you forgot they were even there and threw them out. Then you can ask if he has cleared all his stuff out.

If you are worried that bringing it up will turn into a big fight, I would try the first option instead. Just remind yourself that the video was taken months before he knew you and he probably completely forgot about it because he has had two phones since you have been together.

Good luck. Don't let this put too much of a strain on your relationship. You guys have been together for two years. You love each other. Remember that.
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replied August 21st, 2009
hi MyrahU

Thank you ever so much for the time and advise Surprised) we have talked about getting money for phones before i found theses video's and he said na id not do that,id rather keep it case my phone breaks..whixh i understand..ah the advise you have gave is realy fab! i didnt have a clue of how to bring it up and have been driving my brain insane with so much thinking! i think the looking thru old box's ect found pixs of my ex and chucked them away,av u got rid of all urs...thats a gd one Surprised) i will try and think of it that way,but it now makes me wonder what else.cos he has a password on his laptop n i dont know it and ive asked him about it and he said cos he dont wont his m8ts to see pixs of me that are on the laptop but i said well ur m8ts wud'nt be aloud on ur laptop anyway,cos when u go out the room they cud flick thru ur pixs without you knowing...he said ah i dunno,so makes me wonder if he has things to hide on there,i maybe letting my thoughts run away with me but so far ive just ignored them but since finding the vids i wonder what he has on his laptop,cos id been with him a yr and one day he was goin thru the pixs on his laptop and i saw a naked gals pix toke at home... and said who the hell is that..he said i 4got it was there,id been sent it b4 i got with you,ill deleate it,i didnt wach him do it trusting he has... thank you again 4 all ur help! it realy dose make a diffrence! x
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replied August 22nd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey notsaying
You also accidentally checked to see if you could access his laptop? Your boyfriend deserves some privacy. Even if you have no personal space from him it doesn't mean he doesn't deserve the right to make a decision about what he shares with you.

If you want to talk to him about the video you found I would strongly suggest against some bizarre story. Nobody is as good of a liar as they think. You don't seem to think there was anything wrong with picking up his old phone and searching through it so you have nothing to feel bad about when you tell him you were looking for old pics of you both on his old phone when you found a sex video and want to know why he doesn't delete it.
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replied August 22nd, 2009
Hey Wolf
No i hav'nt accidentally checked to see if i can access his laptop! I didnt say that, I said he has a password to get on to his laptop and i just brought it up one day n said how cums u got a password..I hav'nt asked for it and if im honest he once left abit of paper laying around with all his passwords on and i didnt look and get onto his laptop even tho ive had the password there on paper! so im not that bad of a g,f and he can have his own privacy, But if im honest i know alot of couples that share the laptop and i see it as you have something to hide if i cant even use his laptop to check my banking..theres a reason why is'nt there so wat else is it but hiding things? we have been together long enuff for us to share things like that and plan to stay together for a very long time, Thank you for the advise about the old phone..i dont think i was doin anything wrong but dunno i just feel bad...
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replied August 22nd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
notsaying wrote:
Hey Wolf
so im not that bad of a g,f and he can have his own privacy

i see it as you have something to hide if i cant even use his laptop to check my banking..theres a reason why is'nt there so wat else is it but hiding things? .


The fact that I think that you mean both of these statements is something that should concern you a lot more than porn you found on your boyfriend's old phone. Most people hide things. You should talk with your boyfriend about privacy and evaluate if you can handle being with a guy that believes he has a right to not share everything with you.
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replied August 23rd, 2009
im sorry but i dont think ur right. he has privacy and ive gave up alot for him since ive been with him, because i had to choose between him and my best m8t of 13 yrs so i think im aloud sum respect...Yes he is aloud to not show me everything ect but if u was to find something on ur g,f phone ect it wud make u wonder about ur trust and if they are hiding anything else..

You should talk with your boyfriend about privacy and evaluate if you can handle being with a guy that believes he has a right to not share everything with you.

If im not aloud privacy then why is it far that he is aloud it..theres more to this than meets the eye, when i 1st met him i was'nt aloud to keep my passed to myself..he made me tell him every detail...theres more to this relationship behind closed doors...we will have to talk tho yer,things wont get sorted if not..Thank u x
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