I have been on and off with a guy who has tortured me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'm desperate for any advice on how I can stay away from him for good. Our last fight stemmed from him thinking I slept with other guys during a period of time where we didn't talk, something which I have never done. He took my virginity, something which I had not intended. But even then, I still respected my body to not sleep around. He has beat me, burned me, starved me, and deprived me of sleep. When I am making too much noise, he makes me take drugs to make me calmer. He blames me for his actions...but I know it isn't my fault. I'm having a difficult time fighting the urge to call him or email him, and it scares me that I am so weak that just less than a day, I am considering contacting him. He's said many sweet things before - how he wants to marry me, how he loves me so much and would never do anything behind my back...but his vicious words and volatile attitude really worries me...does anyone have any advice for me? I left the house multiple times today because I didn't want to risk crying there and worrying my mom...she doesn't know that we had still been talking.
Don't go back, seek therapy! Read some of the stories here to get an idea as to what you might be in for if you go back. He wants to marry you to posses you, do not fall for it! Call friends, call family, get out of town, change your number - do anything to escape. You are better than this and you deserve more! Franky, who cares what he might do behind your back - look at what he has done to YOU! You need to talk to your mother, you need support and you need help - do not try to do this all by yourself. Your mother, your friends, a minister, a counselor, a therapy group - pick one or more than one and unload - get some assistance. Tell them what you have told us. You have already realized that his blaming you for his actions is wrong - that's good! Now take steps to make sure he cannot hurt you further, cut him off!! If you go back it will be worse, you will have "chosen" him and as a result he will be more inclined to dominate and control you - do NOT give him that control. Do not be a victim, take your life back and stand strong - there are many other people in this world who can respect you and treat you well - let this one be a lesson and move on...
Thank you for your advice...I actually have gone back to him many many times, which makes it worse and each time the abuse got worse. That's how I've realized I really do need help. I'm currently away from him, so I will be seeking therapy. However, he has already tried calling me and each time I feel nauseous or I start crying. I'm also worried about ignoring him because he has threatened me before with my life or blackmail. How should I move forward from that?
Think of contact with him as a poison, realize that while it may make you feel better momentarily it is ending your life. Escalating abuse, without exception ends in one of two ways. The victim finds the strength to leave or the abuser kills the victim. He could love you very much and mean all of those sweet things he says and in a need to sate his abusive nature, kill you without a second thought. He may feel very badly about it afterwords but you will be no less dead. You have to cease contact with him. If he is making contact with you you must avoid it as if he were doing nothing less than hunting you down to kill you. He calls, change your number. He threatens to come to your home, get a new home. He shows up to your work, file criminal charges. Don't imagine that there is any extreme that is too much to avoid returning to this relationship.
As far as the intense feelings you have for him. Get into therapy sooner than as soon as possible. Contact the doctor you're going to see and find out if there is a support group somewhere that you can attend TONIGHT.
There are a lot of abusive relationships that can be repaired, there are some that can be dealt with leisurely and politely. This man is drugging you to keep control over you and he is burning your skin, both causing pain and marking you. He is way off the deep end of rational behavior. Once an abuser's behavior pushes beyond rational explanation he no longer requires a rationale for his actions.
Thank you for the advice...he called me yesterday and I accidentally picked up. I was trying to go to sleep early because I didn't want to think about him. When I picked up I heard his voice and I started feeling really nauseous. Whenever we aren't talking I can't seem to remember all the pain that he has caused me but instead I remember all the times we are laughing and close to each other. It scares me so much and I so desperately want to move on but I'm scared of him. He threatened me yesterday...he's threatened to kill me before. I want to erase all my memories of him, but given the circumstances I can't even make new memories. Please help me...
Ask yourself if you would ever threaten someone you loved. Would you feel okay burning them? How about drugging them to make them more pliable - would you force drugs on them?
I think an honest answer to those questions is almost certainly NO! This person has done those things to you. You have already gone back more than once and each time it got worse right? It's not going to get better!
I would like to suggest some reading for you. There's a book I've read that will likely help you or at least explain what may be going on with him. It's titled "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". I'd link it on Amazon but the admins yell at me. <sigh> This book and some of the books written by Patricia Evans may help you. Verbalabuse.com is another site where you may seek help. They run a support forum that is women ONLY and to get access you must make a phone call - Patricia is the one who answers the phone and she is VERY helpful! She also disagrees with the book I mentioned above (lol) but I found it good. As a male I wasn't allowed to access that forum but I am betting that you will find MANY kindred spirits there and perhaps some additional support in your area. You are NOT alone! Further - this isn't your problem, it is HIS problem. HE is the one with the issues, nothing YOU do can change this. Changing your behavior will not change his, the fact that you have realized that his blaming you for his actions is crap is a terrific first step!
Please don't get sucked back in. Men like this won't stop hurting you, stay away from him and eventually he will move on - good riddance! Stay strong, get help, find support. There are SO many good people in this world that wasting your time with someone who values you so little just isn't worth it. Move on, move up, set yourself free. If you can make it a week, then a month, then two months, then six months you will be free of him. Mark a calendar, call friends when you feel weak, post here for support, just stay away. If he follows you get a restraining order. If he calls you hang up, change your number. Get free...
dont be afraid of him, if you fear him then he has power. if you fear that he will do something to you, then you should get a protection order against him.
you have to stay away from this monster. it's good to see a therapist to help you with everything that you had to endure by him.