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I need help to leave this mentally abusive relationship

He is abusive...and I need help to leave:( I am 30 and "engaged" we have been together off and on for over 3 years. After seeing my parents who I had not seen in 6 months the signs started to come together about the abuse (no contact with friends or family, breaking into my email/facebook accounts, limiting my activities, belittling me, commenting on what is appropriate to wear, breaking my cell phone, making me change my phone number several times, choking me, telling where I am allowed to go, questioning if I was unfaithful, terrible moods from him all the time, telling me where I can work, telling me not to go back to college, not wanting me to have my own car, making me get rid of my dog and cat, giving up my own apartment but not giving me keys after I moved into his and not allowing me to use this as my address)...literally I could go on and on.

So now what? We have split many times due to either his drug use or his lack of respect by contacting his ex-girlfriend when I mention how disrespected I felt, and every time it it is the same senerio-he threatens me and tells me just to leave without so much as letting me grab clothes or a toothbrush. I have a lot of stuff I want and worked hard for. He also told me that he would not allow anyone that I chose in to grab my belongings, which makes it impossible for me to get them because I cant carry furniture alone. I did manage to make a set of keys because I knew I may need them for this reason.

I am scared to leave him because of some of the horrible things he has mentioned to do to me if I do. He also has some illegal hobbies which when I mentioned once that I could have a police escort to move out made him extremely angry and very threatening. I have my parents that suggest I move to their house but I dont know how to formulate a plan to get from A to B. He does not work so there are few and far between opportunities to move out when he is not there. I know that having to have my stuff sounds petty, but I worked hard for those things and they remind my of where I was in life before all of this. Letting him win for his demands even in leaving him is like he still won...so I refuse. I need help. Please.

Lost Lady
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replied June 8th, 2011
Hi Where to start. Its the hardest thing you are going to do but the best. you have to leave him. I am 34 just married 10 months I went through with everything and am in the process of leaving him. I feel your pain, it is heart wrenching!!!! At least your parents know, so that is good. You seemed to know yourself that you are ready to leave him just finding the right way. I think you need to talk to a garda (just in case), list everything you want to have when you leave, (you might have to give up the furniture), talk to a solictor and your parents. When this is done, I think someone will advise you to find a safe place to stay when you do make the move. As he is in the house all the time, when you are ready. have all your things packed in a corner in your room or take things out bit at a time. Have your parents or brothers go with you to the house and leave him. Dont go on your own. I know this is hard. It weird I am a few weeks in front of you, so know what you are going through. Things are all the things I did and I feel ready. Please so the same, you deserve so much more. x Best of Luck
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replied January 3rd, 2012
Am in the same situation as you, everything above is what has happened in our 4 year relationship. what makes it harder for me is i have 5 kids (the youngest one is his) he mentally tortures my children and is always putting me down by calling me fat etc, my 10 year old daughter isnt eating properly snd i think this is a result of her hearing her step father call me fat time and time again, he takes all of the money and although he has never actually hit me he has thrown bottles of beer off me etc. the list is endless, i tried once to get him out while he was at work by locking the doors and heading to my mams with the kids, little did i no that he must of knew what i was going to do and took a spare key to work and when i returned with the kids he was sitting there all smug, my friend and my mam are always here to help and are constantly telling me to leave him, they know what he is like and what i am going through as he does not hide the mental abuse from anyone, even when we have company in the house he still belittles me and throws things, its rather embarrassing. i really need help and how do i get out ???? x
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replied December 6th, 2013
Help... i want to leave but now sure what to do ...
I am going through an emotional rollercoaster at the moment and cannot handle it anymore... I have a son and my husband is his step father but he never give smy son any time and always runs him down calling him drama queen and saying he wont be a father until my son listens to him... my son is 11 years old and has asked me to leave my husband as we have cone to the point where my husband is emotionally abusing me to the point where I have been broken. He changed when we moved to the UK this year and have been married 1 year already... things were great till i met the inlaws and his mother kept running my parenting abiltiy down telling me i need help as i have an attitude.. i was a single mum for 10 years!!!! Now everything has changed... he is unaffectionate, controls the money and does not even take my son to and from school as he has to work.. i was laid off in October but was good enough to support him for the times he was not working.. he wont even let me go buy food and has told us not to expect any gifts for christmas yet he has money for himself for smokes and cigarettes. He could not even buy a new blazer for my son when he started high school. He is all lovey dovey when people are around but the minute is is just us he becomes distant and nasty and i recently found out that his ex wife has being sending intimate photos of herself to him which i found on his hard drive and when i confronted him he said they were old photos before we met.. DUH the date is on them!!!!!!! the most recent being a month before our 1 year annervisary.. we have now recently moved to a new house and new borough where i put down half the deposit.. I dont feel anything for him anymore and am playing it cool (doing a 180) I dont ask for anything and do everything myself in the house and walk my son to and from school. I have not even unpacked most of my belongings in the house and it is all his stuff... i sold most of my stuff before we immigrated this year.. I plan to leave him but scared I have even told him to his face that if he does not change i will leave by the end of next year... we need to remain married in order to apply for british citezenship... and i now feel he only married me to get a UK visa... I dont know what to do but am weary of him and worry about my sons state of mind....
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replied December 29th, 2013
Re: I need help to leave this mentally abusive relationship
salvosalvation wrote:
He is abusive...and I need help to leave:( I am 30 and "engaged" we have been together off and on for over 3 years. After seeing my parents who I had not seen in 6 months the signs started to come together about the abuse (no contact with friends or family, breaking into my email/facebook accounts, limiting my activities, belittling me, commenting on what is appropriate to wear, breaking my cell phone, making me change my phone number several times, choking me, telling where I am allowed to go, questioning if I was unfaithful, terrible moods from him all the time, telling me where I can work, telling me not to go back to college, not wanting me to have my own car, making me get rid of my dog and cat, giving up my own apartment but not giving me keys after I moved into his and not allowing me to use this as my address)...literally I could go on and on.

So now what? We have split many times due to either his drug use or his lack of respect by contacting his ex-girlfriend when I mention how disrespected I felt, and every time it it is the same senerio-he threatens me and tells me just to leave without so much as letting me grab clothes or a toothbrush. I have a lot of stuff I want and worked hard for. He also told me that he would not allow anyone that I chose in to grab my belongings, which makes it impossible for me to get them because I cant carry furniture alone. I did manage to make a set of keys because I knew I may need them for this reason.

I am scared to leave him because of some of the horrible things he has mentioned to do to me if I do. He also has some illegal hobbies which when I mentioned once that I could have a police escort to move out made him extremely angry and very threatening. I have my parents that suggest I move to their house but I dont know how to formulate a plan to get from A to B. He does not work so there are few and far between opportunities to move out when he is not there. I know that having to have my stuff sounds petty, but I worked hard for those things and they remind my of where I was in life before all of this. Letting him win for his demands even in leaving him is like he still won...so I refuse. I need help. Please.

Lost Lady


You know the part that makes me angry with all you ladies stories and mine, is that I am scared yes. But I am mostly saddened by how we are treated. But I will NEVER EVER EVER let any man tell me to not come back and grab my
Belongings. That's why they're called "belongings" they belong to a certain person. Call the cops and report to them about his illegal activities, ask them to escort you and help you get your things.
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