I'm 15 years old and for the past two years, coming and going, I've suffered from what appears to be something like clinical depression - but it's been pushed aside pretty well for the past year until now. Just over a year ago I witnessed my grandmother's death and since then it's been downhill with distraction on top, if that makes sense. My parents have split up and I've been finding it increasingly hard to keep up with schoolwork because of being unable to make myself ever do it - I just can't any more. My three closest and most important friends have all drifted away in different ways - one has started socialising with a new group through one of her interests in a certain series; I tried this out and joined in for a bit but I just can't fit and I'm not really included so I'm not going to force it. That group and that whole series and fanbase seems to be all she cares about right now. My other friend is older than me and has a lot going on, so I'm lucky if I see her every couple of months - and the lack of contact and updates from her, which I don't blame her for, is a big source of my feelings now. My other close friend has a lot of her own stress and some problems going on too, so again I don't blame her but she's kind of distancing as well. I just finished the second to last year of secondary school so I had a lot going on to distract me but now it's the holidays and I've got a bit less to do I've had to come to terms with my mental state - and I'm getting desperate. I did see someone about a week ago for a chat to figure out how I am and what step to take, but we didn't talk about very much of what was really getting me down - she's a lovely woman but talking to her doesn't help me. I'm getting desperate and every small thing that brings a little stress or responsibility pushes me over the edge; I feel like I'm going insane because I'm thinking some pretty twisted things and my only relief and happiness comes from thinking of new and frankly brute or disgusting ways to kill myself - though I know I wouldn't have the nerve to do it. In all honesty I've started to envy those in asylums - I find myself having outbursts in which I will sit crying or laughing, sometimes at the same time, while thinking of my own suicide or the state my mind is in due to stress. At one point a few weeks ago I started seeing things, thinking I wasn't alone at any time and that I was seeing figures out of the corners of my eyes. To be honest I'm a bit of a child; if I don't get attention or comfort for some time (in other words a couple of days, tops) I start to feel alone and distanced. I have only spoken to my friends about this and I want to avoid, more than anything else, my parents finding out; I don't want them blaming themselves or treating me differently and I'd feel very awkward. But I wish I could be taken out of life for a bit, because I go back to school soon and I just can't take it any more. Hence the envy of patients in psychiatric units... I feel like I need some time to get my mind back on track, totally out of the stressful loop of life I'm having to be stuck in now, because I think if I'm dropped into this loop again I will crack totally. I'm sorry to post all this here suddenly but I'm unsure of what I can do now and I really, really need some answers.
Every teenager experiences something different in their teenage years some have more emotionally painful experiences than others, but like the popular saying, "that which doesn't kill you will only make you stronger". I myself, was diagnosed with clinical depression in 7th grade. I remember hating myself and just wanting to end my life. I was eventually put on the medication zoloft and while under the meds I remember not being able to feel happy, sad, or anything for that matter kinda like I was there but not really alive. I went off the meds a year later, but still carried that feeling of depression which inevitably led me to cutting myself. Sure the cutting made me feel better at the moment, but my scars never did heal and I live with them everyday in regret. If there's anything I've learned from that whole experience it's that, the feelings of sadness and loneliness I felt at the time were momentary feelings that eventually passed with time. Be strong and hang in there, I promise things will get better.
hi sweetie i give you big hugs right now and wish i could comfort you. i have been depressed my whole life and suicide is the lead murderer in my family. yes murderer. it kills and you my sweet dear need to go to your parents and talk to them i know you dont want to but dear you need their love and support. and you need people who can relate to you so get into a support group this is so much help for people like us. because if you dont know how it feels how can you help . no one understands this proplem like people who have lived it like you. my mother killed herself when i was 19 and it devestated me. i dont have her to talk to to tell her i love her and appreciated everything she did for me. i lost mom dad brothers and sister before i was 30. im 36 now and would do anything to have them to go to. your so very lucky to have them so take that blessing and go to them PLEASE. PLEASE. if you need to get away they can help you do so. because thats what parents do they help their babies. i will help you all i can just ask send me a line and ill try my best to answer you. but please go to them let them know how seriouse your problem is and get support group help you need their support to help you through your young life . God you have so much to look forward to in life youve only just started. so please ask . and i know how you feel about witnessing a death i saw my mom so im here for you. BIG BIG HUGGGGG
this sounds like almost the same thing i'm going through, i had three really close friends and we went out all the time, shopping cinema and their houses and now they're all moving on and they don't care that i'm a good friend and actually care about my friends all they care about is whether the person is popular enough, it's just horrible, i'm still kind of friends with them but i never go out with them and my mum always asks why i'm not going out and i don't what to say, i'm too embarrassed to tell the truth:(, hopefully it will get better for both of us, write me and we might be able to help each other just talk about our problems, please don't hurt yourself, please.