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I'm so depressed and sad in my marriage.

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I felt that I was abused but I couldn't tell when and how.

I always feel bad about myself when I was at home. I have a decent job and I'm good with my friends and colleagues. My friends all think that I'm a happy woman. But only I know that deeply inside I am really depressed and sad.

My husband is a professor and he's very hard-working, like literally hard-working. He works more than 14 hours every day and he expects me to be the same. However, I really don't enjoy doing extra work. I'm good at my job and I think that's enough. I don't want to be a nobel prize winner or a billionaire anyway, so I just want to relax after work, like shopping or cooking or kniting or just watching TV.

My husband would criticize me very very harshly whenever he sees me doing leisure stuff. He said I'm too lazy and hopeless. I would almost cry and become deeply upset and depressed every time he said so.

I may not be as ambitious as he is, but I don't think I'm lazy. At least I do excel at work and I cook for the family; I even do all the laundry.

I couldn't go to sleep until very late into the night and I have nightmares every night. On weekday nights, I usually forced myself to sleep with the help of pills. On weekends like today, I'd rather stay up all night then going to bed.

I thought about divorcing my husband quite a few times but my husband didn't accept. Then I dropped the idea because of the heavy paper work and seemingly endless process.

I don't know who to talk with about this. What should I do? Should I be more ambitious to live up to my husband's expectations?

Please help!!!
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replied April 6th, 2011
I would say he is projecting his feelings of inadequecy onto you. He works so hard to prove what an intelligent wonderful man he is cause deep down he is actually very insecure and he thinks the way to feel better about himself is to prove it with his intelligence. Also he believes that if you show the world how smart you are too by working extra hard then he will feel more of a man for having married such a wonderful woman. Hope this helps. Get him to work on the root cause of his insecurities.
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replied December 27th, 2011
omgosh who cares WHY he is being emotionally abusive to you. the point is....he is! if you have told him that you need down time after work (normal) and that him calling you lazy and critisizing you hurts you (normal) and he continues to do so THAT IS ABUSIVE. even if he is projecting his insecurities. that is interesting, and i guess you could have him see a therapist to work on that but YOU can't fix that! his abusiveness is not yours to fix, nor do i think you can (god knows you have probably tried and tried and tried....). this is a pattern of behavior that the two of you are sealed in. he is not going to change. you are not going to cvhange. without help. please do something different to stop this. reaching out here was a great first step! see someone regularly who can listen and give you the strength you need (on your terms and on your time table) to make some decisions about how you want to be treated and how you want to live your life. btw, the answer to your question is....you should just be YOU. just with some help. get a therspist asap. you sound like a lovely person btw and it hurts to hear you are so nice and yet treated so unkindly.
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replied April 30th, 2012
I understand
I understand how you feel! My husband works a lot...a truck driver,,and I feel like he dont want me to have a life at all...he dont give me any good encouragement on any thing I do....he hurts my feelings so bad,,,I cant breath,,,Im getting to the point to just give up...I have prayed...jumped over hoops for this man...and its just not good enough for him,,,so..I have to start thinking about my life and focus on how to make myself happy,,,I wonder why he really married me? because Love dont suppose to hurt..Sometimes I think he only married me just to tie me down...so sad...or for no one else will have me...only God knows! I feel a shame...I cant talk to no one about this,,,its getting out of hand with the mental abuse...
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replied August 16th, 2012
My Husband is a truck driver too. I've basically have somewhat the same issues you have. I just went back to school so i can take care of myself. Im still married but only here until i can get a job to get out. He has made me feel inadequate over the years. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 17 yrs and my kids are older now so i'm ready to start a life of my own and he was not on board with me either going to work or school. With him it was a control issue.
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replied May 1st, 2012
I have been married for less than a year (second marriage for both of us). My husband had a terrible accident 6 months ago and has not worked since. He has huge anxiety issues and is extremely volatile emotionally. I work shift work and have been taking on extra shifts to cover the loss of income for the house - my problem is that I feel overwhelmed and underappreciated - I am having to be the sole bread winner in the family and have to take care of the housekeeping, laundry and the bills as well as stroke my husband's ego to keep him happy too - i suffer from long standing depression and am afraid i am losing my edge on life these days omg please help me someone!
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replied October 31st, 2012
sad and depressed
I am also suffering quietly. I take all this verbal abuse from my husband. I try to do everything and give him anything he asks for. I work for a lot more money than him so I do not know if this is the problem.

I feel unloved, if we watch tv together its like I am not even there. He doesn't spend time with me. He spends all his free time with his friends and his family.

We used to go out before and when we got married but right after all that changed. I miss my husband. We are hardly intimate with one another and it hurts.
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