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I'm miserable and choose to be alone. What's going on with life?

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I'm 21, I hate my own skin I'm in, I'm never happy and constantly feel tense when
I'm outdoors. Everything is a push, I struggle to maintain contact with people because
I want to be left alone majority of the time, and I have had that many failed friendships
that I'm losing interest. When I'm actually around people I don't enjoy it anymore, I find
simple things like having a bath, brushing my teeth and anything like going to the local shop
to pick up some milk to be a challenge.

When I'm around my family or people at college they make me feel suicidal, yet I don't
act on my thoughts. I have a Counsellor yet after the sessions life goes back to the same
with no improvements. I'm suffering everyday, yet the system tells me to "wait patiently".
I've been ready for a mental breakdown several times previously, and I'm getting closer to
where I was before.

Everything's negative in my mind and life, most conversations I have with people are depressing,
there's just no fun anymore. I can't conduct myself in the way people would prefer so I
avoid communication, I feel socially inept and want to meet a partner who is like me but
everyone let's me down without giving me a chance.

I feel ugly because I am told I am, and I see proof of that everyday. Some people say I look
"good", but I know that they are only saying that because they are my family and or friends so
I expect compliments from them. I try to improve my health and appearance to be more comfortable
with myself, but every time I think of how I look I continue to shove cookies, crisps, chocolates,
cakes and anything junk down me as if it's going to solve my misery; that then has a knock
on effect as I feel worse regretting why I ate all that rubbish.

I never feel lively anymore, I just feel tired and as if I'm slowly dying every second. My
only distractions alone is watch YouTubers play video games and play video games at the same time.
I have so many things I would like to do, but then I see them as pointless as "I'm only going to
die eventually so what's the point in it all?". I'm not even sure if I want to be alone really
as I'm not happy either way, but it's all I wanna do right now. I'm meant to be focusing on
college revision and my course, but I am finding it difficult just to steer my attention onto
doing it.
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