This if my first time here but my husband has verbally and physically abused me again. We have been married for 3 years today. I feel that if I had not argued he would not have raised his hand to me. He pulled my hair so hard that it cracked my neck three times, now I can’t move my head because it hurt really badly. Part of my back and arms are numbed, I don’t know what to do. I feel guilty that I should have kept my mouth shut. I feel so drained and don’t feel like doing anything. I just want to go to sleep and never get up again. I just want to be in bed and cry my eyes out. He has asked for a divorce before because I don’t listen and do exactly what he asks for, he says I always mess it up and never do anything right. I understand his frustration and I really try to do everything right; I know I’m worthless to him and never do anything right. He says he needs someone that he can depend on and trust, and I am not that person. What I really don’t like and it is driving me to depression is how he calls me these names, he calls me worthless, dumb, retard, stupid, the fat part of meat, etc…I work full time and when this happen I just can’t concentrate at work. I have asked him to stop calling me names and his response is, “Well, don’t be one and I will stop.” I don’t want to tell anybody because I’m ashamed of it, ashamed of my weakness. He just started his own business, so after work I stop by his shop to see if he needs anything and on weekends I stay there and run some errands. He told me once that he wanted me out of his shop that he didn’t know how to tell me but that I was like the fat part of a ham, to stay the f away. He said you are so worthless couldn’t even bring lunch on time. Well he still calls me to do stuff, and I always try to do what he says and I do pay attention. That happened a week after he told me he cheated on me with two girls four times two years ago. When he confessed, I wanted to die, my emotions were killed. I know we weren’t doing well when it happened and it was long time ago, so I forgave him because he said he regretted it and that has not done it since then. I know what you will probably think of me but I am just a mess. He just gets mad when I don’t do exactly what he says, I have been trying hard to do everything right and it seems like the harder I try the worse I do. He is used to do things well or the military way “perfect.” I really try to satisfy him, and obey him as much as possible. He knows I am unable to survive without him. I know all marriages have disagreements or ups and downs, I’m trying hard to make him happy and I only make things get worse. I feel guilty for some bad decisions he made that it was my fault. He is not the problem at all because I caused all of them, and I’m causing the problems to escalate even more. I have put up with this since the day we got married; our honey moon was a nightmare, we got married and could not afford to go on a honeymoon, but I asked several time and convinced him we still went and that was the wrong decision because we argued the entire time. I told him to stop and enjoy and there is no need to argue. He said well this is all your fault. He is weird, he is find with some decisions, but two days or a week later he remembers and starts arguing about something that happened way before. It’s like his brain doesn’t process the information fast and later he flips out. Don’t take me wrong we have had awesome times together that I thought we would always stay together. I admired him so much; he was my hero, my love, my husband and my best friend and he told me he felt the same way. But now he said I’m just on his way and need me to get away from him. So, I have the divorce papers almost filled out like he wishes. I’m just devastated and defeated with my heart completely broken in pieces.
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