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I'm broke , and alone

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All I have is God and myself to turn to. I have battled depression to this extreme before, but the last time I recall feeling this dreadful was when I was 4 years old. This is probably a lot of recent stresses, and built up stresses all crashing down on a traumatic event that occurred when I was 4. I realize that only I can change this perspective, but I everything, and I mean EVERYTHING to change for the better. All I do is make things worse for myself. I've become a miserable alcoholic and drug addict, yet still want to save the world. I have gotten to the point where I get home from work and cry my living heart out for hours and hours unless I drink or smoke. I don't cry so much in front of people, because I am ashamed at my weakness, but I just can't do this much longer. I need help. I don't want to learn the hard way anymore! No jail, no losing my job, no going homeless, no more.... I just want to be a happy person, and I have been battling a rapidly growing depression in the last few months. I know that I am the only one to blame for it all, and I have the power to change it... yet, somehow, I have begun seriously wondering if I can do this much longer. I don't want to hit rock bottom... but rock bottom for my emotions may have passed up a long time ago... I just don't know what to do anymore. I have no vehicle or insurance, or money, or time... so I'm in a last minute search for some help... coping mechanisms that I can live by... I just need prayers... I need so much more too... I need to stop feeling like this! I can't even type up a random forum topic without crying b/c I sound just as confused as I am. Just help me!
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replied March 3rd, 2009
(((helzwar007)))

I so feel your pain my dear and I understand where you're coming from because I'm in the same boat with you. I wish I could offer you somekind of solution to your problem but all I can give you is a virtual (((hug))) and let you know that you're not alone.

Currently, I'm jobless and almost broke and alone as well. I can't get unemployment because my former employer saw to that and because of my OCD I've spent most of the money I saved up for a rainy day. Right now it pouring.

Are you seeing a therapist? If not I highly recommend it. I know you said you're broke and no insurance(same as me)but some agencies have sliding scale fees and you'd be paying less then the full priced session. If you can't afford the sliding scale fee, ask if they have an intern you could speak to. Generally, interns have the schooling but need the hands on training and will work jointly with a fully trained therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist to assist you with your problems. That's what I'm doing. The intern I see only cost me $5 for a full hour session and I've been to the fully trained/high priced therapist and frankly I can't tell the difference between her and them.

If you don't want to go that route try local churches. Some churches have counselors too but may charge and others may just have a pastor willing to listen to you without charge. Look for support groups for your particular issues in the area to help you. You might even make a friend there to phone for support out of session. But I would recommend talking to your GP about medications to get your depression under control. The main thing is don't give up. Keeping trying. Exhaust every options to get help.

I know what it feels like to have your depression to start getting worse on you. Mine has been getting steadily worst over the last few months too and now has gotten so bad that I don't want to look for work, leave the house or try to keep my food stamps so I don't go hungry. When you don't even care about food anymore when you've always been an over-eater(another of my addictions)then you know you've hit near bottom.

I'll pray for you and hope that everything starts getting better. I know it ain't much but it's all I can offer. Just keep us posted on how things are going. Keep talking and don't give up.
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replied April 21st, 2009
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research the net with church/support groups/it's some churches that will counsel you for free in your situation. you have to battle depression, and your drug problem may not be so easy to give up,
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replied March 31st, 2011
why not be depressed
I found myself in italy with a useless job contract but on the way had my suitcase stolen on the ferry and arrived with no clothes..no money no friends and nowwhere to live. sleeping in an unheated car in rome with my dog. Got raped by a man I met online living in Sorrento that I visited out of desperation. I had to finally resort to prostitution to pay the rent and feed myself.Still am. this or starve. 53, alone with no friends and no boyfriend. tired of meeting internet losers, tired of never having enough money, tired of never having someone to encourage me, love me, support me or be there for me. Had a violent car accident that left me with neck and back problems years ago, my beloved two dogs died, my dad died, I went bankrupt, had 5 blood transfusions because they found out I have haemophhilia and was very sick for 2 years, got divorced, my inlaws hated me and never invited me to a thing, eventually suffered from a gambling addiction as a means to hide from the world, lost thousands. Suffered from depression all my adult life. Tried to get help for the gambling and the depression..no one wanted to help, they stuck their head in the sand and told me to help myself. NOone wanted to know.

Yeah life sucks. Do what you have to do and know that there are people worse off than you. You have a job and do not have to resort to sex for money so there is one positive for you to consider.

Forget about GOd. He does not exist. At least not the way we think.
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replied September 5th, 2011
dear stormee and all, about God not existing no comment but i think we should respect him and just send prayers to him before we sleep every night and try the most to not break his laws, then dont judge just leave it alone. if you are having problems and you keep relying on God for help chances are you might end up more depressed or Mad! and also one problem lead to the next most are circumstances... but one thing is for sure every one has problems some big some small, but how we deal with them has more than fifty percent to the out come.now accidents and the rest are out of our abilities to ctrl but giving up, complainig, staying negative,hating this coz that had fail,carrying the past are all our fault no matter how hard it is sometimes it remains our fault becoz i know yes some people are lucky but no matter what behind in their secret lives they face stuff they got skeletons in their closets,some times they wish they were dead.but they rise as long as they can walk, talk,put on clothes and smile they smile. life turns its back on us and we want it to be soft where you could just sleep, smoke, drink or something close to that, date so and so and be like so and so, life is a pain it can be so cruel you could literally poop on it if given half the chance. i live in Tanzania am not saying its very easy out there but dont understand how people born in states or other very developed countries have chances but complain, you blessed already and if you dont get it by now you wont get it. stay decent, look for a job catch watever chance,God create sweet people i bless him for that look for them as freinds. there are no miracles you cant force love but working for a better living and better days that you can force. stay postive or keep drowning!
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replied March 19th, 2012
To Random 23
Oh Random 23, my compassion has never been up-for-grabs but you have it all sweetheart, every bit. I wish I had of read this 3 years ago - I so hope you re-visit this site, I pray you are still with us. So dear Random out of ten you are a 23. Why? You write with passion, you hold life so dear, you act out because this is so. You're not muted or stilted to life. You love it so much it breaks your heart when this fumbily, flawed animal - the human kind - messes up. We will constantly disappointment eachother over and over again and never have the courage to cry about it 'least not in public, no you're right we can't unfortunately; we just have to grin and bear it. But have the courage Random, don't worry about sad, be the warrior to anger and acting out. You've written that you have in the past. Rote learning you must do, a little contrived but that's alright, it's a learning process. You MUST put thought to self's side. It's a sixth sense, it is miraculous. Let me explain...
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replied March 19th, 2012
To Random 23
Oh Random 23, my compassion has never been up-for-grabs but you have it all sweetheart, every bit. I wish I had of read this 3 years ago - I so hope you re-visit this site, I pray you are still with us. So dear Random out of ten you are a 23. Why? You write with passion, you hold life so dear, you act out because this is so. You're not muted or stilted to life. You love it so much it breaks your heart when this fumbily, flawed animal - the human kind - messes up. We will constantly disappointment eachother over and over again and never have the courage to cry about it 'least not in public, no you're right we can't unfortunately; we just have to grin and bear it. But have the courage Random, don't worry about sad, be the warrior to anger and acting out. You've written that you have in the past. Rote learning you must do, a little contrived but that's alright, it's a learning process. You MUST put thought to self's side. It's a sixth sense, it is miraculous. Let me explain...
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