Hello everyone, this is my first time posting so bear with me. Please don't judge as I'm looking for heart-felt advice here. Thx:
I'm 24 and a single mother of a 3 and 2yr old and a 10mth old. I've been diagnosed with bipolar, borderline personality disorder and some attachment disorder since I was a kid. I've been on so many medications and in psych inpatient and outpatient centers since I was 9.
Just recently I came clean and told my dr. that I engage in excessive sexual behavior which she said it's hyper-sexuality (I think). I feel like when I have my "mania" episodes it's like an out-of-body experience. I feel like most of my life, I've disassociated myself with reality and I'm watching myself live but I'm not truly in it. Since I have no time for myself because I'm extremely busy taking care of my kids, when I do get a little down time I resort to men. I don't do drugs or drink, but unfortunately my coping skills is to have sex with random men a lot. I recognize I do that when I have my episodes and have extreme impulses and don't think. All I'm seeking at that time is some attention on me since I don't get that because all the attention is on my kids.
Well... just the other day child protective services got involved because my doctor made a report that I neglect my kids. Which I admit that I do. There have been many times where I'm having a anxiety attack or in my episodes and can't think. My mind is racing and literally I feel like I'm a mad man. So being that I don't trust myself with the kids when this happens, I leave for long periods of time hoping they would cry themselves to sleep. But that means that they won't get fed or diapers changed etc. I'm always on edge and never have a "relaxed" moments. I don't sleep and wish I was better off dead. I'm not at the point when I want to die but feel like I'm un-curable. In the past, I would take my anger and frustration out on my kids by screaming and locking them in their room because I can't handle or cope with them and myself. I recognize that there has been many incidents where I want to hurt them because I'm so full of rage and my mind is all over the place.
So when cps came over, I voluntarily gave my kids up to temporary foster care-- their dad is no support nor is my family. My family actually wanted me to have abortions so I wouldn't drop out of college. Yes, I was on birth control all times but they said I'm extra fertile. My best decision I made was to get my tubes tied because I had 3 c-sections and I was unwilling to go through that again and knew that not I'm mentally, emotionally or whatever ready for more kids.
My episodes are getting out of control and my attachment to my kids is still non-existent. I never get attached to people (which I think is where borderline personality comes in) so I did DBT therapy, which really didn't help. So I'm looking at other treatments. I hate that about me. I over analyze people and my emotions are extreme/very black and white. It's embarrassing to say that I don't have love or feel whatever emotions parents feel with their kids. I don't get happiness when I'm around them. Of course, I've pretended that I'm so happy and I love being a mother but that's all a front. I just can't pretend anymore because it's affecting the well-being of the kids.
I know I'm their mom but I don't feel it. I don't get enjoyment with them. I know I "have" to feed them and do this and that but I feel it's a job. I know that sounds horrific and people say, why did you keep having kids? Again, I was on birth control, plus I thought their dad at that time was a keeper until he decided to cheat on me when our last one was born.
I honestly can I say, I don't know what "love" is. I think I love them but I truly feel like I'm babysitting someone else kids. They said I have severe postpartum depression and basically I'm a wreck mentally and physically. I have NO time for myself and in turn I start to envy and hate my kids. I feel like they get catered to and everything is about them (which it's suppose to be) but yet, I have so much crap I need to work on mentally that I don't because I'm caring for 3 babies in diapers.
No, I don't have any family support or friends. I have been doing this all by myself and recently been having anxiety attacks and breakdowns. I know I need help and I admit that I do have mental health problems. I don't talk much about it because I get made fun of or get nothing but backlash because I'm a mother and I should never be feeling this way about my kids.
Funny things is, my supervisor at work and some people who know a little about my struggle said they would have NEVER guessed that I had these issues. One, is because who wants to be around a "debbie downer" and two, who wants to talk to a mom who wishes their kids were never born? I'm an expert when it comes to "masking" my problems. I am the most compassionate, "best friend" and sweetest person around other people but when it comes to myself, it's a whole different story (like Jekyll+Hyde)
So here's where I'm stuck... I can honestly say that some people are not meant to be parents and I'm one of them. I feel my mental health and unresolved issues are far behind my control and trying to solve them and care for my kids is impossible. If it was possible, then I wouldn't be on here nor would my kids be in temporary foster care. I need help and I don't know how long it will take me to get better to where I can function normally. My job is on the line as well as other things which is being affected by my emotional break downs (you can only fake everything is perfect for so long).
I'm thinking of giving up the kids for adoption. I think there are families out there who can't have kids or if they do, can better care for the kids than I can. I never thought I would get to this point but if I continue to care for the kids, I'm afraid I will hurt them when I have my episodes, neglect them or something worse. The kids deserve better than this and it's not fair to them to be with me when I can barely deal with my own self.
Any thoughts?
Saving 