Hello everyone, this is my first time posting so bear with me. Please don't judge as I'm looking for heart-felt advice here. Thx:
I'm 24 and a single mother of a 3 and 2yr old and a 10mth old. I've been diagnosed with bipolar, borderline personality disorder and some attachment disorder since I was a kid. I've been on so many medications and in psych inpatient and outpatient centers since I was 9.
Just recently I came clean and told my dr. that I engage in excessive sexual behavior which she said it's hyper-sexuality (I think). I feel like when I have my "mania" episodes it's like an out-of-body experience. I feel like most of my life, I've disassociated myself with reality and I'm watching myself live but I'm not truly in it. Since I have no time for myself because I'm extremely busy taking care of my kids, when I do get a little down time I resort to men. I don't do drugs or drink, but unfortunately my coping skills is to have sex with random men a lot. I recognize I do that when I have my episodes and have extreme impulses and don't think. All I'm seeking at that time is some attention on me since I don't get that because all the attention is on my kids.
Well... just the other day child protective services got involved because my doctor made a report that I neglect my kids. Which I admit that I do. There have been many times where I'm having a anxiety attack or in my episodes and can't think. My mind is racing and literally I feel like I'm a mad man. So being that I don't trust myself with the kids when this happens, I leave for long periods of time hoping they would cry themselves to sleep. But that means that they won't get fed or diapers changed etc. I'm always on edge and never have a "relaxed" moments. I don't sleep and wish I was better off dead. I'm not at the point when I want to die but feel like I'm un-curable. In the past, I would take my anger and frustration out on my kids by screaming and locking them in their room because I can't handle or cope with them and myself. I recognize that there has been many incidents where I want to hurt them because I'm so full of rage and my mind is all over the place.
So when cps came over, I voluntarily gave my kids up to temporary foster care-- their dad is no support nor is my family. My family actually wanted me to have abortions so I wouldn't drop out of college. Yes, I was on birth control all times but they said I'm extra fertile. My best decision I made was to get my tubes tied because I had 3 c-sections and I was unwilling to go through that again and knew that not I'm mentally, emotionally or whatever ready for more kids.
My episodes are getting out of control and my attachment to my kids is still non-existent. I never get attached to people (which I think is where borderline personality comes in) so I did DBT therapy, which really didn't help. So I'm looking at other treatments. I hate that about me. I over analyze people and my emotions are extreme/very black and white. It's embarrassing to say that I don't have love or feel whatever emotions parents feel with their kids. I don't get happiness when I'm around them. Of course, I've pretended that I'm so happy and I love being a mother but that's all a front. I just can't pretend anymore because it's affecting the well-being of the kids.
I know I'm their mom but I don't feel it. I don't get enjoyment with them. I know I "have" to feed them and do this and that but I feel it's a job. I know that sounds horrific and people say, why did you keep having kids? Again, I was on birth control, plus I thought their dad at that time was a keeper until he decided to cheat on me when our last one was born.
I honestly can I say, I don't know what "love" is. I think I love them but I truly feel like I'm babysitting someone else kids. They said I have severe postpartum depression and basically I'm a wreck mentally and physically. I have NO time for myself and in turn I start to envy and hate my kids. I feel like they get catered to and everything is about them (which it's suppose to be) but yet, I have so much crap I need to work on mentally that I don't because I'm caring for 3 babies in diapers.
No, I don't have any family support or friends. I have been doing this all by myself and recently been having anxiety attacks and breakdowns. I know I need help and I admit that I do have mental health problems. I don't talk much about it because I get made fun of or get nothing but backlash because I'm a mother and I should never be feeling this way about my kids.
Funny things is, my supervisor at work and some people who know a little about my struggle said they would have NEVER guessed that I had these issues. One, is because who wants to be around a "debbie downer" and two, who wants to talk to a mom who wishes their kids were never born? I'm an expert when it comes to "masking" my problems. I am the most compassionate, "best friend" and sweetest person around other people but when it comes to myself, it's a whole different story (like Jekyll+Hyde)
So here's where I'm stuck... I can honestly say that some people are not meant to be parents and I'm one of them. I feel my mental health and unresolved issues are far behind my control and trying to solve them and care for my kids is impossible. If it was possible, then I wouldn't be on here nor would my kids be in temporary foster care. I need help and I don't know how long it will take me to get better to where I can function normally. My job is on the line as well as other things which is being affected by my emotional break downs (you can only fake everything is perfect for so long).
I'm thinking of giving up the kids for adoption. I think there are families out there who can't have kids or if they do, can better care for the kids than I can. I never thought I would get to this point but if I continue to care for the kids, I'm afraid I will hurt them when I have my episodes, neglect them or something worse. The kids deserve better than this and it's not fair to them to be with me when I can barely deal with my own self.
u already know u should not have had children and rationalizing changes nothing. u say your 3 yr old is still in diapers.
get fixed tubal tie
let the state and or churches etc. help u
give your children the best possible chances and that will not be with u
this does not mean your life is over, u always start the 1st day of the rest of your life each morning
I wish u the best as I understand your problems as my 14 yr old Great Niece who we adored had your disease and killed herself (in her case we blame her parents who refused to let us or anyone help her) her mom is bi-polar
Thanks ohcalcuta for your reply. Sorry, my 3yr old is in pull ups. I should have clarified that. She's almost potty trained.
I'm sorry to hear about your great niece and I understand what your saying.
Your right the children need the best possible chance. I just have this guilt I feel but then again I guess it's more of what people might think of me and the decision. But I know everyone says to not care about what people think, but it's easier said than done.
You have to do whatever you need to to fix yourself before trying to care for your kids. You know they are being taken care of right now and you should use this time to take care of yourself. I also have BPD and a 3 year old. I got a copper IUD which lasts 10 years and I'm not sure I will ever want to have another child. I love my son but when he is with me I get stressed and overwhelmed easier and tend to get manic. I have to have a lot of help from a lot of people. His dad is out of state so he spends six weeks at a time with each of us and I honestly feel like I need that much of a break. I also have attachment issues and don't feel that I miss him as much as l should when he is gone. I do think that I am a great mom to him but it is a struggle for me. I do love him more than anything but I have found myself having to try my hardest to hold back from reacting in anger. It sounds like your illness is preventing you from loving and providing the kind of care that you need to and also keeping you from being a responsible parent and making you emotionally absent. Studies believe BPD can be created or prevented based on childhood experiences and what kind of parents you have, so you should really think about that. The 2 and 3 year old will already have permanent effects from it. Your job as a parent is to make sure your kids get unconditional love and get the absolute best possible and to prepare them for their future ahead. What they endure as children shapes who they become later on. If you feel that giving them the best is allowing someone more stable than yourself to raise them then you should do that. Sometimes giving them the best chance means saving them from yourself. I am sure that if your doctor called CPS then he believed their livlihoods were at stake. You need to continue seeing your doctor and prob get on some meds. I found that the best thing I did for myself was to educate myself so I could identify it when I was out of control or being irrational. It helps you realize when you're at worst and helps you understand why. I am even able to apologize when I used to go without even realizing I was hurting those around me. Try reading "sometimes I act crazy". Reading about your Inness makes a huge difference. As for your kids, you def need a break to try to fix yourself right now. I would also ask the doctor since he knows the most about where your head is at and even with therapy and medication, BPD can take up to 3 years to start truly recovering. Your kids need to be loved and protected and that may mean giving them up is doing your best for them. You may need to protect them from yourself and if you have the strength to do that then that is an ultimate act of love. I actually came onto this site to look for help for myself and just realized there are others who need it more than I do. I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers.
I feel the same way. I have a 5 year old and I am pregnant again. For the first few years I loved being a mother but the older I get the worse my bipolar is getting. I have pulled away from him emotionally I think and can not stand to be around him any longer. I do not like being a mother in fact I hate it and I wish that I would never of had children. You may ask why am I pregnant again..well part of the issues with my disorder is not taking care of myself the way I should and not making good decisions for myself. To top it all off now that I am pregnant my dr. will not allow me to take normal meds (mood stabilizers) any longer until after the baby so I am stuck with only prozac as an option during the pregnancy which could help somewhat or make me get worse. I hate being bipolar and I hate the things that I think and do and I hate that I feel I have no control over my own life because of this disorder.