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I'm bipolar and a husband...And a father.

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Ragnorok

March 1st, 2012

Hi...My name is ***.

I have a wife, a ten month old child, an awesome manager at work, and a great PC that I built myself.

The problem is that everything seems pointless and hopeless.

We live in income based housing, so life isn't easy.

My wife is selfish and lazy. It's all "me me me" and "I I I".

She fell asleep with her phone on silent and I had to walk home tonight after work. It took me an hour to get home and it took me 30 minutes to get her to open the door.

It's a 20 minute drive.

Good thing I have a knee that's getting gimpy, wow, I'm only 21 and I'm so lucky to have my knee screwing up on me.

I'm the new guy at work, we started selling a new sandwich today. One of the older workers that has been there for a long time wasn't making it right. I know, because the store manager showed me personally early in the morning. I tried to explain to her how to make it after seeing her do it wrong several times.....

Three of my coworkers ganged up on me and were telling me about how I was confused, and it's ok, they understand how I'm confused.........................

Frustration? Hmph, good thing I know how to act professional.

So when I went to leave, I asked her to make me that sandwich, toasted please :].

She screwed it up. She screwed it up badly and things went in the waste basket.

I kept my composure and didn't say a word, just sat back and watched. She got so flustered and mad that she said "I'm starting to hate working here".

That wasn't my goal, I really DID want that sandwich. If she just hadn't talked to me like I was a retard and listened, she would have gotten it right and not messed up. Then one of my coworkers that recently came in made the sandwich for me....Exactly the way I was trying to tell the old lady she had to.

Drama was apparent, there was much disdain in the work place, all because the new guy tried to explain the proper way to make a sandwich....

Anyways, I got home and my wife didn't apologize. She just said "I was asleep. Why won't you talk to me?". I worked 8 hours and spent another hour and a half getting into my darn apartment....So I just said "I'm sorry I interrupted your sleep, go back to bed." And she did, without another word.

The other day I had just gotten off of an 8 hour shift and she asked me to make cook her some food on the skillet. She had work off that day.......

Me:No, I just got off of work, think I'm going to relax.
Her: I hate this ****! (Throws the remote at the wall and breaks it.)

At that point I was a little threatened and just stared at my computer screen, she knocked the high chair across the room. The baby was asleep at this point.

I'm stuck with a woman who is lazy and only cares about herself. There's no romance. This is a cold relationship, but I'm stuck, period.

I can't make enough money to take care of my daughter on my own unless I get a nice factory job, but HR doesn't give a flip about me and my life.

I can't afford child support....

The only way I can survive without living with my mom(which I refuse to do at this point) is to stay with her...

This is all about my little girl, but how long will her smile light up my world, until I can't go on anymore?

I'm very suicidal, I've attempted it four times. Almost succeeded twice, the irony is that I failed, because the side effect of overdosing on the pills is that I became extremely confused and gullible.

Now I'm thinking about jumping off of a bridge and into the Mississippi river.

I think about it every day...The liberation...No one cares about anyone but themselves here. One manager, one single, solitary manager can liberate me, but they just don't give a flip.

How could they give a flip? They don't know. And if I did spill my guts, I'm not getting a job anyways. This world is so cold. If I could win the lottery, I'd probably spend the rest of my life helping the homeless frequently. Yet, snobby arses are the ones that get to be rich.

I never imagined things this way...I'm smart enough to go to college, and even grad school. I could do great things, but I had a baby.

Don't use the condom comment. She was on birth control, she "took it the wrong way". How convenient.

Nothing seems to be fair. I can give and give..Be positive every day...And I receive nothing but negativity in the end.

I feel sick to my stomach tonight, I had to vent. Just being existent right now is so mentally painful...I just want to go walk the city streets until I fall over. Or maybe fall over a bridge railing....But my sweet baby...She doesn't deserve to live without her daddy....

She just learned how to say "Dada" :] And she sings it while she plays.

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Oneofus

replied March 4th, 2012

Experienced User

You say you are bipolar. I see no sign of that in anything you have said so it must be controlled by meds. Right? If so, which ones?

Franklyu I cannot respod to your post as you have no idea how your wife feels at all. Having a depressed partner is a tough gig mate and we need to be as understanding as they at least tried to be. Once their barriers break down, as it sounds hers have, she descends too into depression and yet all you say is she's lazy and selfish, no clue at to what she puts up with from you and for how long.

I;d suggest you take another long walk and think about things from her side for once.

I assume you shout those things at her regularly to put her down. Do you?

It's never all one way traffic mate. Your mention of jumping off a bridge is rather silly as there's no way you could do that with a chld you seem to care about. Give those thoughts the flick and get back to dealing with reality, helping your wife.

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Ragnorok

replied March 4th, 2012

I was diagnosed with the disorder by a counselor, and the psycologist confirmed it. I've lived with it for a long time, so I can generally control my mania and depression by using counter thoughts and doing certain activities to fight the extreme mood flows. This actually was a seriously distressed post. In retrospect, I'm surprised I typed this.

What she puts up from me is apathy and disappointment, love and caring. I'm disappointed in her, because she's going to lose her job, I haven't yelled at her, and I haven't said anything demeaning. I'm docile, unless cornered.

What she also puts up with is, me cooking for her on a regular basis. Me rubbing her back. Me buying her all kinds of things that I would consider useless, but that make her happy.

I know I'm not in the wrong here, because many in the third person have stated that there's absolutely no reason for someone to be as violent and aggressive as she is. They've seen it, she's done it to them. Her outbursts and wild behavior are known to everyone that knows her, and it's the scary kind of anger that shuts the whole room up.

I really don't shout anything at her. I usually just stay quiet. I try to stay passive and not say anything, and I almost always can. She says it makes her mad that I don't say anything actually.

I'm always helping my wife, and she's always helping me. That's why we are stuck together through thick and thin, we need each other.

I need her to grow out of her aggressive and scary nature, and perhaps I need to learn to communicate and be compassionate about things that I generally consider irrelevant to anything.

You're right, it's never one way, but the percentages can sway. Right now, if her actions at home were taped, she would lose the child to me in a heartbeat, guarunteed. It usually is unprovoked, though nobody here could know that.

I was very upset when I made that post, I just wanted to shout it at somebody. I don't know why it mattered. I appreciate you taking the time to respond, though.

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Oneofus

replied March 5th, 2012

Experienced User

It's fine mate. I read it as it was written and you seemed to be the bad guy in that post.

Apologies for any errors of judgement on that.

I have to say though that only a psychatrist should be diagnosing bp and it must be treated with meds. What you describe isvontrolling it by what sounds like CBT. Mania is way too powerful for that so I am wondering what, in fact, you do suffer. If you are manic generally you don't know it so controlling it by thought is not possible.

It's not about wrong or right really. From what you say this time about her she seems to be suffering from some quite serious condition. The anger of course is typical of depression, deep depression. I have it myself, bad so I isolate to protect myself.

I doubt she is going to grow out of her condition, it sounds more like a severe illness. She needs medical advice. As do you, im my opinion.

You say you are BP and suffer mania. Can you describe an episode of such? I am BP2 you see so I know exactly what to expect.

Despite my to the point words you bith have my deepest sympathy and empathy. It's a nasty illness to deal with and wants all of you. So sorry for whatever you both have, different as it is.

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	Tags: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Birth Control, apologize, stomach, afford, asleep, period, sleep, pills

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