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I'm almost 35 and have never had a relationship... (Page 1)

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...and feel like I'm about to go out of my head. I don't think it's wrong of me to want a boyfriend...If even just for a little while so I'd know what it was like. Someone to send me random text messages during the day because he's thinking of me, a guy to sleep next to at night, someone to bring me flowers on my birthday...nothing crazy.
I don't think I'm hideous...I'm overweight, but not like 700 pounds or anything. I'm intelligent, people tell me I'm funny, and for 23 yrs of my dating yrs, nothing. I've tried to stay positive throughout the years, and remain hopeful with thoughts of "surely there's someone out there for everybody", but with each passing day it just gets harder and harder and I get sadder and sadder.
I get along great with guys. The majority of my friends are men, but don't see me in the light of "dating material". I can't tell you how many times over the yrs I've heard things like "I always forget you're a girl"...yeah, that's pretty awesome for my self esteem.
I don't know if I'm depressed because I don't have anyone, or if I don't have anyone because I'm depressed.
I try to act like it doesn't matter to me, but I can't much longer. I cry all the time, and wish sometimes I could just go to sleep and never wake up. It seems so unfair to me that all theses people out there that have families to take care of and make a difference to someone else's life die in accidents and of awful diseases, and I just keep plugging along, alone with nothing but my cats.(yeah, i know, cliche, fat girl and cats)(btw, I haven't always been fat...about 5 yrs ago I lost a ton of weight and was nice and thin...didn't matter. I was still alone...I was so proud of myself, and then I realized it didn't matter, so I m y as well eat what I like, and gained all my weight back plus a little w/in 2yrs)
Anyway, maybe someone will have a magic answer out there...prolly not, but focusing on this forum maybe me unfocus on cutting my writsts, so there's that.
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First Helper shellysowl
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Users who thank lostlonelylambie420 for this post: nimstillhere 

replied July 5th, 2009
I am battling the same thoughts as you. You shouldn't give up on taking care of yourself because men either choose to use you or just leave after they get what they want. You should not let that happen, you WILL meet someone and that will happen when you don't expect it. I know that's probably what people tell you all the time, but it will happen.
You defiantly need to surround yourself with friends and family if you are having these bad thoughts of hurting yourself. In times of this despair it might be a good idea to turn to God, hopefully you aren't rolling your eyes, but give it a try and give God, Jesus to show you how much they love you and can turn your feelings around. I ask you to honestly pray about what you are feeling to them, and ask for him to come into your life, it may or may not be instant because you need to mean for what your asking for and commit to live the way God wants you too.
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replied July 8th, 2009
Hey, don't feel bad. You cannot help being the weight you are. There are lot's of guys out here that don't care what you look like on the outside.
I have dated and had long term relationships with larger ladies and they were really nice people it's what's inside that counts.

Please don't do anthing silly. Your family and friends would miss you terribly.

I just wish there was a way to talk to you so that I could persuade you that somone somewhere WILL love you just the way you are.

Keep your chin up.
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replied July 8th, 2009
You've gotta start loving yourself. You will not benefit from the love of a man until you learn to love yourself as you are. I recommend going to the bookstore and getting a book by Louise Hay. She's a very inspirational woman. Also, The main reason to lose weight since you are overweight is for health, not appearance. And don't do it for a man - do it for yourself. You will find someone to love who loves you back, as soon as you start loving yourself, and as soon as you LET GO. Right now you're holding onto thoughts of what you're not, what you're missing, what you should have.....let those thoughts go, they're not helping you. You would be much better off considering the many many things that you are blessed with and fortunate for in this life. I wish you the best on your journey Smile
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Users who thank Kujji for this post: partybasher 

replied July 10th, 2009
Love me not...
I'm 35 and never had a girlfriend or any kind of relationship with a girl. I too ache for love. I've been rejected so many times it has actually stopped hurting.

I have no magic words for you.

Every time I get the whole, "there's someone out there for you" speech by a well meaning friend I feel like laughing.

Out of respect, though, I don't.

I truly feel that this is it. At this stage of the game, I can't see anything happening for me. I have a ton to offer but no one wants it.

For me, and me alone, it's time to pack up and move on. It seems Life has no use for me... nor I, for it.

I wish for nothing but the very best for you. I hope you can find a way out of your personal labyrinth. At the very least, know that there are others dealt the same hand as you.

You are not alone.
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replied October 12th, 2013
That was a really sincere and honest reply. A helpful reply. I relate to both of you so well. It's 2013, I don't know if you will even receive this. Nice to know I'm not alone.
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replied July 12th, 2009
oooh so many of us in need of a hug,a smile, an embrace (i'm big on hugs-giving and wanting!)The need is about giving as much as it is receiving isn't it? Maybe we'll find our own 'mr misery guts' who will like us for what's inside. No, think positive we WILL be ok in the end - may take a while that's all..x
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replied July 23rd, 2009
depression, relationship
Hey,

I'm not normally in the habit of speaking up on sites such as this, but I thought I'd add my two pence.

It would seem to me that you're over-thinking your search for a relationship. You need to see it as a game! Be a bit flirtatious with a random person for absolutely no reason this week. When you're out on your own play the "I'm X" game where, just for absolute shits and giggles, you pretend you're someone else (someone famous, a friend, a family member) and act how they'd act around shop assistants, bus attendants, strangers etc. It may sound stupid but things like this can be really freeing when you start to realise that everyone's just as shy as you are, and everyone else is playing a little "make pretend" when they're out and acting confident. It's called "acting confident" because there's no such thing as real confidence, just people who pretend they are because it's more fun than fretting over every word and action!

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you're probably confident in every facet of life except when it comes to relationships, but you have to see that it's all part of the same game! I've had my fair share of relationships, but I've been shot down more times than I can count. Sure getting "rejected" stings at first, but I think if you view it with good humour and flirt with people you find attractive from the get-go, make a minor advance and get politely turned down, then it's a million times better than liking someone, building it up it your head until you're practically in love mentally and then getting shot down in flames. The former can be viewed as a bit of a joke, and an "ah well" situation, the latter can be crushing.

I'm not sure how much this helped. I'm battling with depression myself at the moment, but I like to think that the area that's causing your upset is something I could offer a bit of advice on Smile

Good luck with everything!

PS If I ever worry about being ugly I just watch some of those talk shows on day time television: if some of the scary looking guests can find relationships then there's hope for all of us, haha!
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replied July 25th, 2009
I don't have any great words of wisdom or inspirational stories--but I do know that all it takes is one person. It doesn't matter if you don't have lots of relationships--the people who do don't always end up happy. It matters if you find one person you can open up to. Once you can start talking to someone everything seems more manageable: looks, confidence, everything. You learn to laugh about things. Even the serious things, even hating yourself. It is so good to laugh sometimes.
Not all of us have lots of people to talk to. If you don't, maybe start with a therapist or an old friend you can re-connect with. Just for friendship. You've done a good healthy thing by coming to this forum.
I agree that pretending you're more confident can work--I have never had high self-esteem or been very pretty but found that when I started dressing like I was and taking care of my looks more, people actually started liking the way I looked more. It feels fake but it can be really liberating. Eventually you may start thinking of yourself in a better way.
Give yourself a girlie pampering spree. Buy some scented lotions, makeup, perfume, maybe even a new haircut--not a ten-dollar one but a good salon cut. Ask a woman working at a cosmetics counter what lipstick would look good for your hair and skin. Let yourself glitter a little! Who cares about the weight. Make yourself look nice, smell nice, feel pampered, and I bet you'll start to feel good even if it's just for a while. These little girlie things can release a sense of womanly self-confidence that is healthy and fun and attractive to everyone--men, women, and yourself.
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replied July 25th, 2009
i feel the same way. and to everyone saying that we need to "love ourselves": i've loved myself since i can remember, but that doesn't make the world love me back.
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replied July 26th, 2009
Yep, totally true! But it sounds like the original poster doesn't enjoy her own body. And if the world doesn't make you feel good, we all need to know how to do it ourselves. All I know in my own life is that I was desperately unpopular in high school and didn't have any boyfriends, none, no guys asking me out, and then when I started "faking it" in college, pretending that I was prettier, pampering myself a bit more, then the world started appreciating me more. I'm the same person but I present myself differently to the world.
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replied July 26th, 2009
I think i know where you are coming from, I'm 19 next week and never hit it off with any1. I have several other reasons, but I suppose I'm in the same boat or ship. I dont know what to tell you exactly (I'm not really good for anything lol), but maybe watch the 'Elephantman" - interesting movie. He never had a relationship and in the end at least a couple of good days. Much luck.
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replied December 20th, 2009
Never ever
I'm 32 and have never had noone ever. I will never marry. I don't even care. I'm fat but very pretty. Men only use me for sex. No man has ever treated me kindly. I have always wanted to die. I fantasize about being thin. I once lost a lot of weight and too gained it back. I only live for my family members and close friends who truly love me for who I am. I wouldn't feel comfortable with a husband anyway. Unless he was good as gold. I don't see that there is any hope for me at all. It doesn't bother me. One man loved me for a few years but we lived in separate cities. He only wanted me to lose weight and said I embarrassed him around his friends and coworkers. I tried everything to lose the weight. I threw up, took laxatives and exercised everyday. It never really worked, I fell into a huge depression and gained it all back. Now I just live one day at a time. I don't really care about being in a relationship anymore, but it is interested to read about others who have had similar feelings or experiences (or lack of).
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replied December 24th, 2009
People like you keep me going on. I never was in a relation whatsoever, BUT seeing all the shallow, idiotic people out there who are lucky enough to find a partner and then treat him/her like dirt, I'm happy I never had anything to do with them. Knowing there are still caring and faithful people like you out there makes me happy.
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replied February 24th, 2010
Baby, shut up. You're wonderful. Maybe you just don't give off that vibe. Try going to a matchmaker. Usually they can see what might be driving the men away, or at least, not to you. People get married at 60. Love does not have a schedule, honey. I believe fate is fair. You could be hit with the most passionate love in 100 years in a blink, or you could just meet a nice guy.
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replied April 22nd, 2010
Don''t Stress
Hey, don''t be so down on yourself, your negativity pushes people away even more. I''m in the same situation as you, I''ve had the same freaking life since I was 10! I''m 20 and I can assure you there are kids several years younger than me whom I''ve watched grow up and now have way more boy experience than me.

I totally agree, it''s esteem-crushing, lonely and a cycle of life you can''t break out of. The more I avoid the subject to save embarassment, the harder it is to become close to new acquaintances I make. It''s tough I know (especially as 99% of people my age are all hooking up and being promiscuous)

I''ll say this to you, same as the advice I give myself:

1. look after yourself well (believe that you DERSERVE good things and others will play along too). That may mean going on holiday with friends, buying nice clothes to wear, getting fit etc. Not having a relationship does not mean you should tear down other aspects of your life

2. have ambitions and achieve them. be it a getting a certain job or promotion, or getting involved in charity work or taking part in a play, etc. In the process you''ll meet new people to expand your horizons but primarily do it for your well-being

3. accept it as a fact of life. I''ve come to accept myself and my situation. It''s nobody''s fault you haven''t got a relationship, least of all, yourself. if things don''t happen, what can you do?

I realise it''s difficult at your age but there are many similar people in our situation, even if we don''t see it in our environment (I certainly don''t as I''m a student). Start concentrating on what you want from life, and achieve it! Things other than getting a man.
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replied April 23rd, 2010
I hate seeing people alone and it's mostly men that this usually happens too. If I were single I'd date every single girl in this thread despite your weight or what you looked like because you've got a sweet soul inside of you that need affection and nurturing and you all just need a little push to get that flower blossoming.

My partner is overweight and it doesn't bother me. I'll admit that we don't have sex very often but I still shower her in hugs kisses and affection and I'm always there when she needs me to lean on.
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replied April 23rd, 2010
What you girls don't understand is that humble and awkward makes for the sweetest of romances. Us guys are sensitive about our quirks and a lot of us really aren't into model chics that are too high on themselves.

I've often thought it would be great to find a girl that kept her freckles into her late twenties or had large protuding ears or loved to ramble on talking too much because those faults add so much distinguished personality and endearing charm.

There was one girl at a place that I worked for that I would've ran away with had I not been spoken for because I could soooo much relate to her. She always had a sleepy and laid back "I'm no superman and not trying to be" look about her while all the other girls around her were struggling for runway attention. Definitely a Cinderella and very much in tune with my own personality.
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replied April 25th, 2010
Mr ElectricBanana, (if you come back to this forum and read this)

Just want to comment on a quote of yours: "If I were single, I'd date every single girl in this thread despite your weight or what you looked like "

WHAA you just assume we're all ugly and that's why we're on here?? I'm none of those things! Serisouly though, your replies were very sweet and if only every guy in the world was like you, every girl would have a date.

Do you mind me asking how old you are? Younger guys below their late 20s are mostly judgemental and insecure. My problem is that I'm not too good in social situations as I sometimes have an irrational fear of people but I am improving. Still, at my age, guys only pay attention to the flamboyantly dressed, attentation-seeking loud mouth girl. Who probably doesn't have much heart nor brains but still, they will go for her cus they're shallow and status-wanting. Now I'm not saying every young guy is like that but from what I've seen..and reason why I've been single forever!
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replied April 25th, 2010
Ah, there you are, Mya. It was this post you found me in. ^-^

I'm a 37 year old male. When I was just a teen, like you say, it was mostly about appearance but getting older, more experienced and understanding all the loneliness and suffering out there I just want to put an end to it and don't want to see anybody by themselves because I know the true nature of the heart and it is love.

We're all meant to for and with each other, not against, and I know the most nurturing and the ones that know it best are the woman.

My heart goes out to all of you. I don't hear very many women speak up so I assume that the women out there never have the single and lonely problems us men do.

Like I say, I have a partner and I'm there for her until she no longer wants me but I wish I could clone myself sometimes to befriend and date all the other lil' lost souls out there as well.
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replied April 25th, 2010
That''s assuming if all the single girls want you ElectricBanana looking
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replied October 8th, 2011
I'm 37 and too never had a relationship. I'm superfit, thin, a marathon runner, most of my best friends between the ages of 16-34 years old were women but they never wanted a relationship, yet they would choose some scumbag who treated them like rubbish or someone with no redeeming features over me. It is always a case of you will get someone (but they exclude - as long as it's not me). My so called best friend of 10 years who told me not to make her decide between me and this other person who she was living with but whose relationship was apparently on its last legs was apparently trying to get pregnant with this scumbag and now we hardly speak or see each other and when we do, I just want to have give her a verbal tirade. What's the point?
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