Don't even know where to begin. Guess i will be short, no sense wasting everyone's time listening to me rambling. To cut a very long story short. I'm 22, female, depressed since i was about 14, diagnosed at 16. Developed a lot of problems, some i'm still working through, mostly because of depression. Agoraphobia, social anxiety, and depression are the things i've not worked through though. No point dwelling on what has been worked through, hardly progression. Still in this mess.
I go to cbt each week for group therapy and have my own personal session 1 on 1 on Mondays, then a lady visits me at home on Thursdays. Time spent in between is either at hospital, researching help or just feeling miserable. To be fair i haven't tried to kill myself since August 14th of last year, it's not been a year, so like i said, it's nothing to take pride in, but i'm not any better. Been to the hospital again tonight and have been sent home. Nearly 4am. Was there for a few hours but was sent home. Have my medication. Had as much as i'm allowed tonight, still feel the same as i did before i went, same as have for 8 years.
Doesn't seem to matter what i do, who i see, what i take or where i go, only thing that resonates the only thing that's constant the only one undeniable thing that i continually take with me is this overwhelming feeling of emptiness. I'm a failure. Every sense of the word i am a failure. My Grandma she says, i know why she says it, these stupid questions she already knows the answers too, am i dating, am i working, am i happy, these things she knows the answers to. Only says it so she can draw comparisons, by your age i was this, by your age i was that. I don't care for comparing, never going to live up to her standards anyway. Doesn't mean she doesn't love me, but she doesn't say she's proud, why would she be. I haven't earned anyone's pride. Mother's friends ask what i'm doing with my life and she has to lie to them. Can't even leave the house without my Mum because i keep throwing myself into traffic.
At 22 you are supposed to have some degree of independence, i can't go 15 minutes by myself without regressing into this tearful snotty mess surrounded by medicine, tissues and sob stories. It's past pitiful. I'm a failure. I was supposed to get married, was supposed to, but my brother died, they took me away and i got forgotten about. Lost my job, not found one since. Not allowed one since. Not medically cleared for one since. It's not 3 years yet, but soon. I worked a little 2 years ago but had to be let go for medical reasons. Used to get very severe panic attacks, i only get them now when my medicine doesn't work and when i'm really upset, end up taking more medicine in the hope it will make me feel better but then when it doesn't, i panic.
I don't know what i'm doing. I can't take care of myself. I know everyone is disappointed in me. That's why Grandma lives as far away as possible, why we don't talk much. Why Mum lies to her friends to cover up the fact her daughter is a useless piece of trash. I don't feel useless though, i know i can do more, be more, i just can't. How can i. I don't even know how. Can't work for medical reasons, have no friends, can't go out and meet anyone because my Mum has to come everywhere with me, she insists mostly, even if it wasn't forced upon she would probably demand it anyway. Keep trying to kill myself when left to my own devices. Not for a while now though, August 14th last one, has been a while, but doesn't mean i don't want to. Isn't really what i'm after though, i just want to better the World around me, rather than die. I don't know what i want. Friends, partner, job, money, Mum & Grandma that don't look at me with those eyes. Should have gotten married like i was supposed to. Best friend, brother, grandad, everyone keeps either dying or abandoning me.
Don't have anyone anymore, just Mum & Grandma, i get on pretty well with my therapist. But we aren't friends really. I've never met up with him outside of the times we're supposed to talk. I just don't know what to do. I've tried meeting people, i go to the park most days, i don't like leaving the house because i'm afraid of other people, people frighten me, hostile people, drunk people, angry people, males, groups, crowds. I get cross when i see families. I'm not great in public, i don't like leaving the house. But i go to the park sometimes, i'm allowed to go to the park, like the park. But sometimes when a stupid family come, so i have to go because my depressed face won't make their children happy. I have tried saying hi to families but i just get very mad because they have all this perfection and i have nothing and they won't give me the time of day just to acknowledge that i said hello. I get really jealous too. I don't go to clubs and things, can't mix alcohol with what i have to take and don't enjoy the taste or what it does to people. Social anxiety is really bad, i sometimes will sit still in the darkest corner and hope someone says hi but they don't and when they do i can't even breathe.
Just failed at every possible aspect a person could fail at. By my age am meant to have left home, have a career, have done university or at least have done college, meant to have a partner, meant to have friends and all types of things. Just sit here, every day. I know nobody will read what i have wrote. Thanks anyway though. Don't tell me it will get better because i've had this for 8 years now and it is only getting worse. Also dont be aggressive or i will just close my account and won't come back. Thanks.
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