Don't even know where to begin. Guess i will be short, no sense wasting everyone's time listening to me rambling. To cut a very long story short. I'm 22, female, depressed since i was about 14, diagnosed at 16. Developed a lot of problems, some i'm still working through, mostly because of depression. Agoraphobia, social anxiety, and depression are the things i've not worked through though. No point dwelling on what has been worked through, hardly progression. Still in this mess.
I go to cbt each week for group therapy and have my own personal session 1 on 1 on Mondays, then a lady visits me at home on Thursdays. Time spent in between is either at hospital, researching help or just feeling miserable. To be fair i haven't tried to kill myself since August 14th of last year, it's not been a year, so like i said, it's nothing to take pride in, but i'm not any better. Been to the hospital again tonight and have been sent home. Nearly 4am. Was there for a few hours but was sent home. Have my medication. Had as much as i'm allowed tonight, still feel the same as i did before i went, same as have for 8 years.
Doesn't seem to matter what i do, who i see, what i take or where i go, only thing that resonates the only thing that's constant the only one undeniable thing that i continually take with me is this overwhelming feeling of emptiness. I'm a failure. Every sense of the word i am a failure. My Grandma she says, i know why she says it, these stupid questions she already knows the answers too, am i dating, am i working, am i happy, these things she knows the answers to. Only says it so she can draw comparisons, by your age i was this, by your age i was that. I don't care for comparing, never going to live up to her standards anyway. Doesn't mean she doesn't love me, but she doesn't say she's proud, why would she be. I haven't earned anyone's pride. Mother's friends ask what i'm doing with my life and she has to lie to them. Can't even leave the house without my Mum because i keep throwing myself into traffic.
At 22 you are supposed to have some degree of independence, i can't go 15 minutes by myself without regressing into this tearful snotty mess surrounded by medicine, tissues and sob stories. It's past pitiful. I'm a failure. I was supposed to get married, was supposed to, but my brother died, they took me away and i got forgotten about. Lost my job, not found one since. Not allowed one since. Not medically cleared for one since. It's not 3 years yet, but soon. I worked a little 2 years ago but had to be let go for medical reasons. Used to get very severe panic attacks, i only get them now when my medicine doesn't work and when i'm really upset, end up taking more medicine in the hope it will make me feel better but then when it doesn't, i panic.
I don't know what i'm doing. I can't take care of myself. I know everyone is disappointed in me. That's why Grandma lives as far away as possible, why we don't talk much. Why Mum lies to her friends to cover up the fact her daughter is a useless piece of trash. I don't feel useless though, i know i can do more, be more, i just can't. How can i. I don't even know how. Can't work for medical reasons, have no friends, can't go out and meet anyone because my Mum has to come everywhere with me, she insists mostly, even if it wasn't forced upon she would probably demand it anyway. Keep trying to kill myself when left to my own devices. Not for a while now though, August 14th last one, has been a while, but doesn't mean i don't want to. Isn't really what i'm after though, i just want to better the World around me, rather than die. I don't know what i want. Friends, partner, job, money, Mum & Grandma that don't look at me with those eyes. Should have gotten married like i was supposed to. Best friend, brother, grandad, everyone keeps either dying or abandoning me.
Don't have anyone anymore, just Mum & Grandma, i get on pretty well with my therapist. But we aren't friends really. I've never met up with him outside of the times we're supposed to talk. I just don't know what to do. I've tried meeting people, i go to the park most days, i don't like leaving the house because i'm afraid of other people, people frighten me, hostile people, drunk people, angry people, males, groups, crowds. I get cross when i see families. I'm not great in public, i don't like leaving the house. But i go to the park sometimes, i'm allowed to go to the park, like the park. But sometimes when a stupid family come, so i have to go because my depressed face won't make their children happy. I have tried saying hi to families but i just get very mad because they have all this perfection and i have nothing and they won't give me the time of day just to acknowledge that i said hello. I get really jealous too. I don't go to clubs and things, can't mix alcohol with what i have to take and don't enjoy the taste or what it does to people. Social anxiety is really bad, i sometimes will sit still in the darkest corner and hope someone says hi but they don't and when they do i can't even breathe.
Just failed at every possible aspect a person could fail at. By my age am meant to have left home, have a career, have done university or at least have done college, meant to have a partner, meant to have friends and all types of things. Just sit here, every day. I know nobody will read what i have wrote. Thanks anyway though. Don't tell me it will get better because i've had this for 8 years now and it is only getting worse. Also dont be aggressive or i will just close my account and won't come back. Thanks.
hey!!! could we become friends here online??? if it don't hurt you.........i am unable to promise that i'll give you attention daily but wenever its possible i'll ask abt you. @ restless dream
Hey RestlessDream, I'm always here if you need to talk to someone, and don't be ashamed for how you feel. Depression is a serious illness and with proper help, you can and will get better. You're not a failure, that's the depression talking. Email me anytime if want to. Take care!
Thanks for the help, it's nice that am asked to email and stuff, i just want to know how to live correctly. How do people make friends? From a starting point. I need someone to talk to, to go to see a film with, to go shopping with, just to cry with, to sit with, be with. For i guess 10 maybe more hours a day i spend infront of a computer, i hate it, i hate that my life is lived on a computer.
For 8 years now. Hated everyone, myself, everything, for 8 years. So sick of feeling that way. So sick of feeling as though the world has nothing to offer. It does. I have stuff to offer too. But how? How? How do i go out doors without being unable to breathe? How do i say hello to strangers? How do i strike conversations up and make friends? Where abouts? If crowds, strangers, people on mass, loud environments like bars or clubs frighten me, where else can i search? I try the park, as i said, i can't get anywhere. I'm in programs with other people sort of like me and i'm not liked. I don't know anyone.
Day consists of sitting in the park hoping something nice happens, coming home depressed, flirting with suicide, moaning on the computer, sleeping for 12 hours, rinse and repeat. I hate my life. I'd like to die, but i don't want to die, what i want is a better life, one that doesn't make me so depressed. But closing in on a decade of feeling like this and where in the name of god is the light at the end of the tunnel????????
I was once in your shoes.I was diagnosed when i was 7 years old with depression and social anxiety disorder.When my family would talk about going on trips or anything that changed the daily routine of my life,I would panic,throw up,diarrhea, and lose all control.I lived like this forever.When I was 14 I went away to camp and when I came home our house had burnt to the ground. I missed the first 2 months of the 9th grade because I couldn't bring myself to walk out the door, I would become physically ill and pass out.It took a lot of time an therapy to finally get some sense of control.I lived on every different type of mediation known to man and hated every minute of it.I went through an abusive relationship for 20 years until I had enough.I continued therapy, decided to go back to college and gradually stopped taking the medication.I know this is going to sound nerdy but I loved school and that is part of what saved me.In had to face being alone for the first time in over 25 years and I went through a phase where, excuse the rudeness, turned into a bit of a prostitute.I am 42 years old,about 20 lbs. overweight,smoke and have O.C.D. which makes me a bit of a control freak and clean freak.I went through flighty relationships trying to find someone who loved me for me,and all of my craziness.I spent so much time trying to fix everyone around me that I lost me.I let the fear and panic take over my life.I know this will sound typical but I just let go and let God take over me.I found someone who needs just as much fixing as I do.He is a recovering alcoholic and has raised his son since he was 4 months old, because his son's mother died.We have our struggles and he has slid backwards,but we are together and he loves me for who I am and doesn't try to change me at all.There's not a day that goes by he doesn't tell me something positive.
There is light at the end of the tunnel I swear.Maybe you need to have some of your meds adjusted, because sometimes they can make the symptoms worse.When you think only despair, loneliness, no loves me , no one likes me, everyone and everything is out to get me, then you will stay the way you are.Try this, get a notebook and keep it by your bed, when you get up in the morning write down one positive thing.Anything.Do this everyday.At the end of the week read what you wrote down.Do you like to read? join a book club.Find out things that you enjoy doing and find others who like the same thing.Nothing is going to happen for you if you just sit and wait for it, you have to put forth a bit of effort.I am completely drug free now. I still have the panic now and then but I have learned how to control it.I have a dog, well another child, who keeps me centered and calm.I will tell you what they tell alcoholics to do to work towards a relationship. Get a plant, take care of it talk to it, sing to it whatever it takes to keep it alive.don't pick something easy to take care of pick something you have to really work to keep alive.Do this for 6 months, if you keep it alive, then get a pet and do the same.after this year. after that then work on people.Stop spending some much time on what other people think of you, only care what you think of you.
I would love to talk to you if you would like.I will check back here tomorrow if you would like I give you my email.I promise we will talk on a daily basis. I have been where you are and have the scars to prove it.All I can do is reach out but you have to want to reach back.
Hey there .... I feel really sad for you and I know how you feel I am a 23yold female and I went through hell I had panic attacks, and was in a massive hole ...
There is hope though! Do u know what traumas caused u to have such low self worth ? I actually had to and still am rewriting my story I had so many negative core beliefs which kept me stuck and afraid of ppl ... If you look deep within yourself you will find your light and true essense the only way out of this is unconditional love and acceptance for yourself
Have you ever heard of inner child work? Do a search for the liberator method online also it helped me IMMENSLY
If you ever feel like a chat or someone to talk to please message me xxx
Hi RestlessDream, I know its been a long while since your last post but I hope you've been well. I can relate to what you have said as I too have suffered with some of the conditions that you have mentioned at one point or another, at the momment I still suffer with depression and a bit of anxiety. If you would ever like to talk to someone who knows what it's like you can alwayas contact me.