Well, what've I got to loose, anyway? I'll just sing my sad excuses.
It mostly originates from the idiot alcoholic devil I call a "father".
Thanks to him, I feel depressed and suicidal.
He always gets wasted at night, then comes in like he owns everything and, one wrong move, and I'm living a quarter of hell.
No, thank God, he never hit me, but he screams at me and calls me names and blames me for every crap that happens in the goddamn house, I'm pretty much his "drunk-state" "victim" of verbal abuse. It happens every freaking night, except for some, but it makes no difference.
I tried to talk to him, but no use! He saw I he hurt my feelings, pointless.
He said he won't get drunk anymore, but he lied, as usual.
I tried to act, by infecting his computer with a fake virus and literally cutting his money with a scissors (I know you're laughing at this, it would be funny for me too, if I didn't do it out of desperation and depression), but no use! Nothing I do even has a "use".
But I'm always afraid that one day, I'll "do something wrong" without realizing it, and he'll hit me (don't know why I'm scared, I could call the police then, and no, I can't call the police just for screams and alcoholism, where I live sucks that much)
But no, he's not the only reason I wanna commit suicide (just the start), pretty much part of my life had only misery in it.
I nearly failed at school, I was even made fun of and accused of everything wrong that I didn't do all the time by those little devils I called "classmates", for sure I'm gonna fail at high school (I'm 16, by the way), I'll likely end up like all the poor people out there with no jobs and no money, begging for some food.
Heck, even in his drunken state, my father asked me, when I talked back at him,
that if he would leave me and live somewhere else, how would I be able to make money to live? Yes, that hurt me, even if he was wasted.
Everything I do and end up failing, which I always seem to do, makes me wanna literally kill myself. I have no future, and even at times, I would yell at my parents, mostly my mom, that they made a big mistake when they had me.
I'm just a waste of space. I have no talent (though my mom contradicts me, because of my drawings, and I don't listen) only remember the miserable moments of my life, and no reason to live.
I've lost faith in God, I feel alone and often that everybody's happy
and living the life like a dream (though I know that's not true, it's how I feel)
and I'm the only depressed one. I'm very sorry if this offended you if you're doing worse than me, except for my last bit of common sense, my mind and feelings are selfish.
And this all comes from my idiot father who was like this when I was like, 4 or 5 years old, thankfully, it's just mental abuse, but it still hits me like a ton of bricks. Plus the fact that I'm now a teenager in the phase in which I think that
everything is dark isn't helping. At least now I'm smart enough to acknowledge it.
I always wanna end this nightmare, it's like I'm living a quarter of Hell in this world, but at the same time, I can't and I don't want to, and even the thought of being killed makes me wanna stand up and defend my life. Why!?
... well, there's nothing much I can say, I don't want pity, or charity, or anything else similar, I just want advice and to let these feelings out in anyway I can. My mother's not much help, sometimes she's the opposite, lost my trust in her, saw the forums here and, well... you get it.
I want to commit suicide, I don't care what I leave behind, I just wanna end it,
but why am I not doing it, too?
What the hell should I do? Just move on? I've done that way too many times,
and no, I won't accept an answer like "keep moving on, still", I'm desperate here!
P.S. Excuse my odd and/or flawed English, it's not my native language.
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