I would really like your opinions on the dilemma that's taking over my life.
My first love, who for the sake of this I will call 'X' for ‘ex’ broke up with me in August 2006 after a 3 and a half year relationship. I was the worst time of my life, I truely thought that there was no point in living. I was truely and utterly in love with him and had been for those years. I think he left me because our relationship was extremely intense, we spent every second of time we could glued together, exactly how we liked it. But when I went on holiday for 2 weeks with my family he obviously couldn't deal with it and greeted me with a break up letter when I returned. Our relationship definately had had it's rocky times and my parents were around to witness every single tear I cried over him. So to them when X broke up with me for good it was the best thing from my parent’s point of view. For weeks and weeks I stayed home from college, tried ringing X every now and then, sent texts, emails... I never got a single reaction. He'd cut me out completely. Eventually my friends managed to drag me out of the bedroom and get out, I got all my friendships back that had been neglected form my relationship with X and I was starting to try and enjoy life as in the back of my mind I was conscious that X had a new grilfriend and had totally moved on. It was like he was dead. He was gone forever.
I started hanging out with an old friend (I will call him Y) who I had always known had a 'thing' for me. When we were younger (when I was with X) we would talk online and he would write me poems etc but I never really felt the same back. Now I was a single girl he paid me a lot of attention and affection and before I knew it we were together, and I was in another full on relationship. This was 6 weeks after my break up with X.
5 months later, I find myself talking to a friend of X’s online who I had known from being with X. I for some reason managed to end up blurting out how I was still destroyed by the break up with X and that I was still in love with him. X’s friend obviosuly didn’t keep this information to himself. The next day just as I was going to bed I got a text from X. It said.. ‘7 months’. That’s how long it had been since our break up. Obviously I kept this information to myself. Everyone I know would have probably taken my phone off me and burnt it if they knew X had got back in contact with me. But I managed to get X talking to me again online and texting. At first we just spoke about general everyday stuff ‘how are you?’ etc. But after a few late nights online and a lot of conversation we had talked about our relationship and break up. He had admitted to me that he thought the grass was greener and that being with his new girlfriend was not all it cracked up to be. He broke up with her and then we met up a few times in his car late at ngiht when I had finished my waitress shifts.
All this time I was still with Y. And I stayed with Y as I was relitavely happy and my parents, family and friends adored him and would probably have thought of me an fool if i were to split with him. I continued to secretly spend time with X and we even had a few sexually tense moments even though we never did have sex whilst I was with Y.
A few months later... I’m pregnant. With Y’s baby of course. What complicates the situation is that during my relationship with X 2 years ago I had fallen pregnant and had a termination. I knew I could NEVER go through that again. I knew I wanted this baby. I decided I needed to end this. I told X I was going to stop seeing him, and I didn’t love him, I also told him I was pregnant. We broke off contact straight away. My parents didn’t take the news of the pregnancy very well, and after many tears I stuck to my decision and they accepted I would have this baby. Y was a very very scared 18 year old dad-to-be but stuck by my side the whole way through. He wanted whatever I wanted.
Months passed, whilst all the time having X in the back of my mind, I suppressed the feelings i had about him as i knew i had chosen a different life now. But then... I couldn’t any longer. I sent X an email saying I needed him in my life somehow and that I couldn’t see how we couldn’t just stay in contact as ‘friends’. He got back to me reluctantly saying he doesn’t think we’d ever work out as ‘friends’ especially as even a friendship would have to be kept secret from everyone else. But we carried on talking, and although i didn’t see him anymore, we spent many hours talking, aobut anything. Sometimes a fortnight would pass with no contact but one of us would make contact again.
More months passed, I had my beautiful baby daughter. I moved into Y’s dad’s house and we began our life now as a family. I carried on talking to X right under Y’s nose though he never noticed, he’d never question why I spent so long typing on my phone, even when I were laying in bed next to him. Y and I then got our own flat with our daughter and set up family life there. We were relitavely happy although I did have self image issues which meant our sex life was diminishing some what.
A few weeks later by complete accident I came accross some extremely disgusting images on his phone. Provocative images of my best friend that I had taken of her years ago for her boyfriend. These images that were stored on my hard drive had somehow found there way onto Y’s phone. I then found dirty downloaded videos on there too. I was hurt so much it was agonising. Surely this meant I was as disgusting now as i thought I was? Maybe worse? My body had changed so much that he now needed to look at other people to get any gratification? He was at work when I discovered these. I phoned him and told him he was a piece of scum and I was leaving him and I was going to take myself and our daughter to my parent’s house. He came home from work immmeditately and begged me not to, literally. He told me he didn’t know what he was thinking and that if i thought but he had some kind of problem he’d go and see someone about it. He was truely ashamed of himself. He cried and cried and kept telling me how much he needed me and our daughter. I couldn’t do that to someone when i’d had it done to me. I stayed. That night I said I needed some air and went out. I met up with X. I told X what had happened. We just talked and I felt better for seeing him. I went back to my family life and carried on. Our sex life had died. I didn’t even want to be touched. I felt disgusted about myself.
This all happened just over a year ago. Shortly after that we moved out of our home anyway because of financial issues. The 3 of us moved into my parents home and we are still living here. Y and I live our lives as a couple and as parents to our daughter. Everyone compliments on what wanderful parents we make. Behind cosed doors though, we have no sex life, we don’t kiss, we don’t hug, we don’t cuddle in bed. I don’t even get dressed in the same room. I still secretly talk to X and as time has gone on my feelings for him are becoming harder and harder to suppress. He’s admitted to me he feels the same but we both know that it’s limited to secret conversations on the internet. But recently i’ve found it extremely frustrating. I want to see him, feel him ,touch him ,hold him, talk to him, and tell him i love him.
I wish it wasn’t this way. I have the prefect life on a plate. Y would do anything for me, he puts up with our non existant relationship and yet still adores me, he is the best dad to our daughter, and it shows to everyone around us. How could I not be happy with that?
But I can’t get rid of the feelings for X. It’s taken over my life. If I were to break up with Y it would destroy him. I’m not sure I could be responsible for that. My parents would resent me for it. So would my friends. I’d be financially broke and not only that, our daughter would have to lose the perfect little family unit she has.
If i were to get back together with X my parents would completely and utterly dissown me, as would my friends.
I would lose my whole support network and everytihng that i’ve got going for me.
But love is love, and i’m in love with my ex, not my partner.
Please help before I go crazy .
Before you say it I would always do whatever necessary to make my daughter happy and keep her healthy, I would never compromise her happiness for my own needs.