If I fail at something I beat myself up about it. In front of people I berate myself something horrible and it scares my mom, some of my friends. I feel worthless. I feel like all eyes on me and sometimes I wonder if people really aren't my friends at all but they just tolerate me. Tonight it happened. I usually walk away go on my own alone and burst into tears.
At 18 I lost my father to violent crime. At 22 I was accused and charged with Child molestation of my own godson by his father and my cousin. I was blindsided and arrested at my job, spent 14 days in jail and waited 3 horrible months when they told the authorities he had made it up. The police went into my life and found out I'm Bi and told my family! 3 more months and the charges were dropped. No public apology, nothing! I forgave them to salvage my relationship with my godson cuz I love him. I helped my mom raise him today because they are druggies. I'm glad I had a lot of friends who believed in me during that time.
I used to abuse alcohol but always was fitness oriented. I still am. I hardly drink anymore. No drugs.
But I have the craziest worries. I used to be afraid to even talk to kids or anything. And Kids flock to me. I am in a town where my family doesn't even talk to me cuz they think I'm weird; so I worry about what they spread about me. I am alone and afraid to meet anyone because who the hell is gonna want to hear that? I feel as I'll never be accepted or married like damn near everyone else is. Sometimes I look in the mirror and just go what the hell is wrong with me? I don't see anything bright on the horizon and I'm not getting any younger. I feel invisible worthless. The S word is often very inviting.
Don't know where to turn anymore? Hell, I'm probably boring all of you!
Wow I am not surprised at all.
It is June 21st
and I lost my mom on may 21st
how nuts is that.
I went on a trip and it was helpful but I came home to find my mom dead in her room from Pulmonary embolism.
And now I am messed up mentally.
You people are a bunch of phonies.
Was my situation too bad for any of you? I AM NOT A TROLL, if that is what you think? I am just hurting like the rest of you and fake smiling my way thru life.