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I hate my life, my family, and myself.

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REQUEST: I need someone to talk to. So please... anyone, it would make me feel better if you would like to spare sometime to talk to me and be my friend. Suggestions and comments are appreciated too. Blocks of paragraphs to read ahead, but please do bear... It's nice to share and have people understand how I feel.

I don't feel happy. I don't enjoy life. I'm in my teenage years right now.. 16 going to 17 this September. People normally assume that youth and teen times are one of the greatest and happiest moment of life. But I realized that it is not happening to me. I feel like my dad and mom have been verbally and emotionally abusing me. And I was bullied and physically abused back in my 5th & 6th grades at school.

My dad always throws a tantrum at me for ridiculous reasons. Like when I say "ah.." (as in "I see") He went rage and mad at me, as if I just said something very unforgivable. Or when I suggested him to go to bed. He was with watching a TV show with me and he told me he was sleepy. I thought I kindly recommended the best option... but again, that didn't seem like so to him. He called me names and told me I was a worthless child that instant.. And it took him the entire 5 days to actually stop all the mocks and cold reactions for my "Dad, why don't you take some rest?". It all happens similarly to many other cases. He explodes, snaps and called me names/titles that irritates and cracked my heart a lot. And I just don't know anymore. I go like: OMG this is crazy.. I think I'm going to lose my mind. I cried many many times for the oddness, pain, and my anger deep inside. And he calls me fat numerous times it hurts. Even while he watches TV, he still has the time to say "She cannot do athletic dances, because she's fat." behind me and I always overheard it. My room is right nest to the family room, so perhaps he did that in purpose. Or "Look at that lady, her body is slim. Look at yours. Loose some weight, I could see all your plumps of fats." While the fact is, to be honest, I'm only around 5 kilos heavier than ideal weight. I don't know why he's doing this to me... What did I do wrong?

Well, I'm glad he has stopped physically abusing me. He used to threaten and whip my sister and me with his belt during the kindergarten and elementary times. And the reasons would be along these lines: Breaking a plate/ Being seen arguing to one another/ Spilling water on the floor/ Running around the house and making noises.
My dad and mom.. They argue and fight a lot Every Single Day of all my life. And I had to hear and see them yell at each other sometimes. They called names too "You, useless, stupid, female B*tch" "wh*re" "Jerk" "Go to hell, Die" and other rude stuffs you would wish you hadn't heard. There was even moments when my mom cried and tried to kill herself in front of the family household. The 4 of us are not meant to be a family. This is just so wrong. Our personality are natural enemies. I wonder how my parents got married. They knew it's not a good idea, yet.. and now, we share many ugly memories. My parents are stubborn, they always think they're both right... And they'll hold on to what they believe is right -so much, sometimes they lose their reasoning ability, their arguments makes no sense. I go through times when I feel hopeless and depressed. This family is ruined. It's not going to work, I said to myself many many times.

My mom is being hostile to me. She yells at me a lot. Not to be rude, my mom isn't really bright, so, often the doesn't get my point and pull a conclusion which is totally misunderstanding and opposing what I meant. Then she would start yelling and complaining. I tried to explain things to her and she interrupted me with lines of criticism and horrible words. Sometimes, I lose my cool and raise my voice at her... I cannot hold my anger and I always feel so guilty afterwards. We argue a lot because of that. And I have to say that she's immature for someone at her age. She knocks at our door loud and hard many many times while yelling. And when we don't wish to open up the door (because we know something bad is going to happen), she'll start swearing and threatening her own kids. My sister and I usually keep quiet. We don't react to what she said at all, yet, she still needs a long time to stop bad mouthing all her own on the other side of the door. I don't know how it has turn out like this but the truth is, the moment I heard my mom's voice, it gives me a chill, and my stomach starts feeling sick, having headache and nervous.. as if I'm stressed or having a trauma. When I hear her call my name, it's like a notice to me that I need to be prepared for something unpleasing like the world is going to end or I'll be burnt in hell. I always feel insecure.. All I wanted is a mother who would softly talk to me, kindly share me all her problems and let me do the same. A mother who would listen and care about me patiently. May be I ask to much... But I always prayed for that day, where she could become my role model.

My parents love my sister a lot more than they do love me. I could tell that. Everyone who sees what has been happening here at my house could tell. In my parents head it works like.. My sis + Me= rule: "Younger Sister is always right, It's elder's fault". No matter what happened, either it really was my mistake or not, I will always be the one to take all the blame. It is true but my parents would never admit to it. Never, and it hurts me even more. How could they do something and would not take the responsibility along with its credits? My sister, on the other side, she's quite a good company. But she has this part of her which is full of betrayal, two-faced and doesn't -not the least bit- cares about what's happening around her/ other people but herself. She does anything for her gain and throw the charge on other people.She has taken advantage of me many times.. but well, she's the only one I could talk to when it comes to parents-problem so we stick together although we fight a lot too.

I have been ditching almost a whole school year of my 11th grade. I don't even know why I was originally doing that anymore. My 2 years younger sister has been randomly skipping school for about 2 years now... and as of today, we stop constantly. We have no problems with following up with the classes. I am not boasting but my sister can actually top the class if she wants to and I rank the first in class a couple times. I believe it's social problems and pressures that bring us away from school (my sister has a very serious social anxiety. She doesn't even want to see people online, I tried to help her go over her phobia by taking part in a social networking sites but she pushed me away without a second thought and even cried). The both of us are raised in a wealthier-than-average family. Most of the time, my sister receives all the things she wanted. So do I.. I just don't ask so often in that matter. Mom loves shopping, she purchased many things, which also includes those we didn't even ask for. And she defends us from our dad's unreasonable accusation to get mad on us. I guess those were most of the good things she has done to us.. which she seldom does.

I've always thought that my existence is a huge mistake. I shouldn't have been born. I am NOT a perfect child. I am NOT a perfect. Nobody is. I have made many mistakes too. I have complex problems with my own self. I hated being born as a girl. I despise the part of me that easily lose my temper.. I don't want to be like the rest of my family. I hated my unstable mood drives that goes up and down drastically. I hated the fact that I am Awkward. At times, I am very anti-social. I don't like meeting people at all. I feel at ease and calmer alone, I keep my problems to myself. I lock myself up in my room for weeks and only get out of the room to do daily needs. I would do nothing but go online/ reading manga or drawing which are my hobbies. I really enjoy them, those are the moments I feel like I can reach my dreams. But then, at some points, when I feel discouraged & not motivated in my drawing skill, I feel the worst.. Dropping from a high place and die. And then, I would suddenly feel like I need to see people in the malls just to look at the world and socialize.. These would go around into a cycle and I started getting sick of my own abnormalities.

I change too much and I am being indecisive. I always hide and run from reality when it really suck.. Covering myself up in my shell from the world, and keep myself busy with hobbies. Then when that drops, I crack the walls between the society and me..? I think I am weird. So is the rest of my family members.. our big family is problematic too. Two of my cousin stopped school, One got pregnant out of marriage, One is being deserted by her parents, My uncle works for my parents and corrupts my dad's business, My aunt took care of her own mum(my granny) only for money and after every bits of dime is taken, she threw granny out her house, and many more my parents keep behind me. I feel like I have so little chance to make it to a happy future. The only thing I want is to enjoy life. But I don't even feel the joy in it...
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First Helper kazKudo
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Users who thank kazKudo for this post: Preyevate  soni22  soni22 

replied January 25th, 2012
I'm 24 now, but as a teenager I had a life that was not entirely, but to a certain extent similar to yours. I really feel for you because of the way your father treats you especially. I think people don't realize that hurtful words can at times be the most painful thing in the world. Especially when you cant fight back..at times you don't even know how. I wish there was something I could say or do to help. What I can say is that you're not alone in what you go through and what you feel. You are right...teenage life is supposed to be the best time of your life, and it's hard when you know it really isn't. But you know, it's probably not the best time for a lot of people; many of us do only find some semblance of order once we're older and a bit independent. You've mentioned that your extended family is also quite dysfunctional, but is there anyone at all whom you can confide in? Because the way your parents are treating you really is abuse. And the fact that you and your sisters aren't even attending school properly is even more alarming. I know its hard to study when things around you are bad but please- do concentrate on your studies- that may be your ticket out of your situation. Life may be cruel, but I do think there are opportunities for everyone, and I hope that you find yours. Tc
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replied May 21st, 2012
Your parents are in deep suffering but that has nothing to do with you. Misery loves company and that's why they married each other. Get your diploma, move as far away as humanly possible from them, and surround yourself with people who make you happy. You are the future of this troubled world. You need to heal yourself before making it better by treating your spouse and children with the love, dignity, and respect that everyone deserves. Don't waste your time searching for love from your parents. They won't give it to you but it's not your fault. In this instance it's never the teenager's fault.
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Users who thank Ellena for this post: Preyevate 

replied June 17th, 2012
Your parents are sick ppl. I know cus I had the same thing, but without the physical violence. Now, at 57, I am finally (mostly) over their influence. It's insidious. That constant grinding belittling and violence changes you forever. It actually changes your brain chemistry. But, if you can look at how sick they are individually, and together, you will see it isn't you, it's them. Sorry, but like all children of abuse you're going to have to raise yourself. If anyone complements you or sees value in you, listen to them, not your parents!!!! That is the best advice I can give you. Don't see yourself through their sick eyes. Take the word of mentally and emotionally healthy ppl over sick tortured ones. Look at their faces and see how angry and sick they are. Do you want that for yourself? If you believe what they say about you, you will ultimately be the creation very sick angry ppl. Don't do that to yourself. Fight their influence as hard as you can. It's YOUR life you're trying to save!
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replied June 25th, 2012
A late reply.
I know this is a late reply - but I do hope you are able to read it as it might make you feel better as your post made me feel better.

When I read your post, I wondered several times whether I wrote it half-awake some night and forgot about it - because kazkudo, I can tell you, I too, am going through a situation just like you. Your description of the way your father will ‘blow up’ at you for the most insignificant, domestic things and the way your mother is not too bright and immature of her age, is 100% (I can’t even tell you!) the same as my parents.

I’m 17, 18 in November and I’ve been emotionally and physically abused by my parents. I remember on my first day at a new school in a new country, I said of my new school-shoes “They are so big.” And my father pulled out a metal bar from my violin stand and struck me repeatedly across the face - I had to rush to the bus-stop with a mouth full of blood and pretend I was OK and wasn’t crying when I got to school. I was 11 years old. :/ My mother used to ‘try’ to defend me, but like yours, she has given up - understandably, as she says, because she’s the one who has to live with my dad for the rest of her life. I have no brothers/sisters.

I’ve often thought about ending my life (since I was 8 yrs old) but I did read somewhere that suicidal thoughts pass after a couple of minutes - and most suicides could have been prevented if the person waited just 2 more minutes. So please, if you are entertaining any such thoughts, don’t. When I have these thoughts, what stops me is the thought of everything I have always wanted to but haven’t experienced. I have never loved a boy, I have never been to university, visited the US, travelled Europe, stood in front of the Taj Mahal or even, dare I admit, been to a concert. Life is cruel, as someone said above, and yes, people like you and I might never have the beautiful, sweet childhood that we so often see on our TV screens or the loving, gentle parents waiting for us after school but kazKudo, if anything, we DO have a future.

Stick through the last years with them. Less than 2 years. That is what I tell myself. You are so close. You can get away with them and find people you are happy with. I will not deny, but it WILL be hard and it DOES seem a long time and sure, it will FEEL like a long time too - but what a waste it would be give up on yourself. We all have these silly little thoughts (I do), about giving up and our lives turning into a tragedy which some unknown audience will care and cry for us. The reality is, there is no audience. If you give up, that is the end. No one will know, no one will care. The only person who suffers, is you. So don’t give up - and you will be, I promise you, be rewarded.

Yesterday, my parents denied me my lifelong dream of applying (and I believe I have a decent chance) of getting into an Ivy League university. I won’t tell you how devastated I was and I felt I had no future. But I was wrong - I will, even though its hard to accept now, go to a local university and apply to transfer or apply for post-grad - there is ALWAYS a second option. And by then, I will be away from them.

Remember, hating them is understandable. But don’t punish yourself or bring your own feelings down for their mistakes. And if things get tough, remember, there is me (and I believe many more) people like you who are going through the same thing as you and thinking about others like you - in that way, we’re connected. All the best and I mean this one: My thoughts are with you.
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replied June 25th, 2012
Oh me again.

I forgot to mention, although I have very little feelings for my dad now - he does like to say "turn a bad thing into a good thing" a lot.

I think, as annoying and hard as it may seem, you can turn your hard childhood into a good thing. Sometimes, I see my tough times and my abusive parents as something of a positive thing: I'm one step ahead of other people.

I am stronger because I have survived it. (What doesnt kill you only makes you stronger, right? Wink ) And in the future, when others face the same thing, I will have at least experienced it and therefore will be less 'shocked' or 'traumatized' by it as someone else experiencing it for the first time might feel.

And put more practically, I know I'll never marry someone as abusive or with the same traits as my father. And I will never BE the cold figure my mother can be.

You can too. Smile All the best again.
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replied November 3rd, 2012
Hey guys, I understand your pain. I do. I've read the comments and stories and feel so bad for all of you. I'm only 14, and I just started highschool and I have a pretty sucky life too, but that's a different story. I just wanted to tell you to keep your head up and take it one day at a time. Tell yourself that with every passing minute, with every passing breath you are one second closer to having your own life. That's what I do.
Stay strong and imagine a better world, and when you grow up make it!
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replied November 4th, 2012
I can somehow relate to this situation but I don't hate my family, I only hate myself and my life. But I do find a great way in overcoming such a bad situation. We just need to be strong. Strong for our own sake.
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Users who thank ericgaults for this post: Skylor101 

replied December 1st, 2012
Pain...
I see how u feel... My mom just hit me hard on a belt... my dad just pinched me and I have a huge mark... I'm 12 now and My dad broke a plate on my head... I have huge marks on my thigh... my uncle went to jail... They love me deep down but... I don't get it? Is it true they hate me? We have 6 children all together... I'm the second oldest. I can't have a boyfriend until I get married... My mom forces me to be in prealgebra... All I wanted is a REAL life... But all I know is that I will NEVER commit sucide... All of u are older than me... I am ONLY 12 and got hurt since 4. My mom and dad call me Big Teeth and swear at me....I still like my life but u dont know how I feel. 24/7 I get hit by a belt, pinched, bloody hands, cry a lot, and phisycally abused... I have a friend who slaps me and hits and pushes me... she calls me a 'best friend' This is not a lie because I know its not... I hate the weekends... it might be odd but I avoid being with my family... I love school more than being home. On friday people say 'YES I'M Home!! Cant wait' But I just go home and get for saying 'ok' or 'oww'... my mom trys to stop but she cant help it like its too addicting... I love them and they love me ... They bought me tons of stuff (expensive) but what I trully want is for them to stop hidding me... right now I am in pain... Thank you for having the time to read this...
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replied March 5th, 2013
i know Exactly how you feel anger pain sadness and all the rest of it there is no joy or fun in family my mum and dad are forever hurting me for the wrong reasons and ALWAYS think they are rightforver saying i am a fat when i am the perfect weight for my age and my brother is just a pain.Thanks for sharing
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replied July 19th, 2013
I dont feel happy. I dont enjoy life. I hated my teenage years because my dad was very controlling and he would not let me do nothing. My older brother had all the fun. I was bullied and physically abused in elementary school.

My dad is very controlling and manipulative. My dad makes everything all about him. My dad thinks he is always right and everybody should listen to him. My dad criticizes my mom and older brother. My dad called my brother''Greedy'' and told my mom''You cant do nothing right''. My mom was sick and she asked my dad''Can you take me to the emergency?'' and she walked away and my dad told my mom''Walk to the emergency'' and my mom was very hurt. My dad always criticizes people but he cant take it. My dad cant accept things and if something is his fault he cant accept it. My dad tells me and my family not to do things but he does it. My dad does not practice what he preaches.


I was always close to my mom and she always helps me and I would always help her.

I was bullied and physically abused in high school.
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replied July 22nd, 2013
I know how all of you feel. Sad to say there is nothing to do about our parents , family and bullying. We must stick through it until we are 18 or old enough to live on our own. That's what I'm doing. When I'm done with school I'm running away and never coming back.
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replied July 24th, 2013
KazKudo you can talk to me and be my friend.
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