I hate my husband! Okay, maybe I don’t hate him but there are times I really, really don’t like him. Let me tell you why and maybe there is someone out there who is dealing with something similar and offer me some advice.
Number One: He doesn’t make any money. I support the entire family and I understand he is at a disadvantage but he doesn’t even try. I have made suggestion after suggestion to help him and he doesn’t do anything to look into it. However, when I buy something… small, insignificant… he cries about it. I just send him money to his account and he is yapping at me for buying a drink to go along with a piece of freaking corn!
Number Two: He has so much sarcastic attitude! I ask him anything and he rolls his eyes, talks to me like I’m absolutely ignorant and I cannot stand it. Like today, he tells me to get ready and that he is waiting on me. I am literally ready after ten minutes and then he tells me that now I have to wait until he is done watching American Idol. … then it’s MY fault that he got involved in the TV program because I changed my clothes out of some boxer briefs and a t-shirt.
Number Three: The GUILT trips. If I try to talk to him about anything that I feel it’s because “he can’t make me happy”. Rather than trying to fix what he is doing wrong it’s my fault for having a problem then he goes and throws this little attitude. Talking to him is 100% impossible to do because he gets offended. He gets extremely defensive at the smallest insignificant thing. It’s like I am always walking into a battle zone when I breathe a word about anything.
Number Four: The relationship is lonely. When we got together he made an effort to talk to me and fooled me into thinking we have something in common. We don’t. He likes playing computer games and watching TV… I like everything else.
Number Five: I feel like I have to kiss booty to avoid problems. I am always saying “sorry” or “okay” ESPECIALLY in public where he has absolutely no problem in making a scene if he decides to do so.
Number Six: I am busy, really busy. I run an ecommerce business, I go to school full time and I work to support him… yet I am the one who in the middle of a project has to get up off my chair and go find out what he wants when he is calling me.
Number Seven: He acts like a SPOILED KID! He is one of the most immature people I have ever met. Absolutely, 100% immature! The most easily offended and defensive person I have ever met.
Number Eight: He interrupts me around others. I am NOT important at all and NOTHING I say is interesting. I been to his family reunions and I try to get involved in the conversation. I’ll start talking and either A… he interrupts me and tells me to hold on and NEVER comes back to hear what I had to contribute. B… just talks over me. Or C… straight calls me out and says things like “Well, let’s see what this other person has to say” he literally knows absolutely nothing about me because he doesn’t care.
Number Nine: He takes me for granted big time and I told him so… but he got mad. He thinks I am always comparing him to some marvelous relationship from my past rather than think that there is something that he could do to change.
Number Ten: He doesn’t like me. For instance, he bought me a book… with money I gave him and used it against me!
“I bought you that book because I was thinking of you… and you didn’t even care.”
“I told you thank you and I loved it. I even told you a second time.”
“Whatever, it was fake…”
… am I suppose to jump up and down and do the tango? What does he expect me to do to show my gratitude? …and then he uses this all the time…
“You know, I was really trying to be nice. It was my New Years Resolution.”
And why did he bring this up?
BECAUSE OF A SEATING ARRANGEMENT IN THE CAR WHEN WE TOOK HIS FAMILY TO GET SOUVENIRS!!!
Ugh… so, what should I do?
if you married there must be reasons why... remember? I felt similar at one stage so one day I woke up and told my husband I am going to take a break from us a few days, I need to figure out if I can stay with you and you need to do the same. I said you know I love you but i cant stand the way you treat me sometimes. I wrote a list of the things he needed to change and by phone the next day explained to him the way i felt when he did them. He didnt realise how much the things affected me. I prayed allot... i dont know if you have a faith but you know Jehovah helps... the next day he called said sorry and to come back to work out how he can improve. He is such an amazing person with me now. Marrige isnt easy and you cant always be happy unfortunatly but if you both have love for the other person you can work it out. About the work thing... that is pretty terrible... get him to look at this 1 Timothy 5:8... give it a go if he woldnt mind it shows how jehovah feels about what he is doing
Please pray for me too. I am a believer but very hard to put up wth a husband who hates me and leave no opportunity to degrade me. He is jobless since 4months. And he is looking to do his own business without a single penny in pocket. Praying,,,,,may God give me an answer soon
Just get the hell out of there. God does not want us to stay with abusers. Your husband will not validate you in any way, and it is not likely to change. He sounds very selfish. I agree with last poster--I have had the life sucked out of me by a similar type of man, and it hurts really bad. It really is not worth it in the end. It takes a long time to heal, so start now. If you are feeling the hate, it is past time to get out.
My reason says leave him,but the heart,the feelings are not sure.....You can easily leave him,but in my case where i am the one who doesn't go to work( i take care of the kids and the house,he just gives the money & nothing else), where i should go? How to raise my kids,alone?
First, go to free/cheap counseling to strengthen your self-esteem for the split (they will want to treat you for codependence--try to stay on the topic of escaping an abuser, anyway). Then try getting a job while still being in the marriage and see how that flies. Your goal is to become independent of him so he cannot jerk you around anymore. See an attorney on the sly before you leave to get advice about the best way to ensure your own safety and financial security before he knows what is up. When the time is right, go to the welfare office, get subsidized housing and food stamps if you qualify, get free legal aid to get support out of your soon-to-be-ex as well as custody of your kids, take a part time waitressing or clerk job, and get yourself in school to get into a better paying job and ALSO to notice how very smart you are, after all, and to make your kids notice this and to copy you and not the abuser. Go to the school's financial aid office to learn about how you can do this. You can do it. (PS Get your independence this way rather than fall into another abuser's arms--trust me, they are everywhere and can spot a wounded woman and say everything she wants to hear and set you back another decade!! Plus this will bring out the worst in your husband.) Do this all safely. Be calm. Do not escalate any violence. Anticipate his freakout and take precautions. Maybe get ready to leave secretly, so when you do go, he cannot interfere. If you have supportive parents, now is the time to lean on them hard. If not, gather your friends close and your enemies even closer. Do not risk violence. Be cool. Anticipate that he will use the kids and the money to try to keep you. Inform the lawyer of this first thing. Finally, get some single moms for friends if you don't have any. Trading favors with people in the same circumstances is a fine way to live. And finally, finally, finally, accept that YOU WILL BE BLAMED because he cannot self-analyze or take responsibility. Being his scapegoat is your job. YOU WILL BE BLAMED. DEAL WITH IT RATIONALLY, the very hardest part of all of this. Trust God for your prosperity and peace of mind--it will come. LOVE AND HUGS
P.S. A judge may give you the house when it is all said and done. Do not accept less than you have coming just because he has brainwashed you into doing so as a habit, and do not try to negotiate with him--he will think you deserve to live in the street for rejecting his tyranny, but he will be wrong! Sorry to be such a know-it-all. I learned a lot of this the hard way.
Hi! I'm dealing with something similar and am wondering how things worked out for you...to make it easier, I'm just going to copy and paste an email (below a little bit) I sent to someone who I know might be able to give me some advice.
I'm not trying to belittle your situation...I'm genuinely interested in what happened and am also wondering if you or anyone could have advice for me?
Our situations are a little similar, but not entirely the same. I don't hate my husband, but found myself telling him that last night in a heated argument. I rather hate the way acts towards me and the fact that no matter what I do, it doesn't seem to matter or get his attention that there is obviously a problem that we both need to work on. I didn't intend to say mean, hurtful things to him last night, it just came out and now I can't take it back...although now he's ignoring me and its all my fault. This will go on for days. Like I'm being punished. I don't know why I said it...I hate that he seems to not love me, that I don't know who I married...but I don't hate him. Maybe I'm really upset with myself for feeling "in love" and not seeing that once we'd get married true colors would really show.
He's 30, I'm 35...yet he seems to tell me what and how to do things. That's what really set things off last night...and I finally stood up for myself rather than walking on eggshells or just avoiding something that could start a fight.
So here's what happened:
Yeah the type "A" personality makes it very difficult and these past 3 years since the honeymoon stage has been over and the "in love" feelings have subsided... I really don't know what it is that I can do to show my love to him or how to. I often wonder who I married and why, and I'm sure he could say the exact same thing.
Today I am supposed to be leaving to go to Hills Creek Camp Ground 4 hours away for 4/5 days with my parents...right now I really don't know if that is a good thing to go or not. The distance was going to be a good thing, but with a bad fight that just happened last night, I don't know. then again if I don't go, I will have just lost myself even more by letting my marriage keeping me from doing things I like.
I've been reading that book the 5 love languages and I'm gonna leave it here for him with a note on it...hopefully he will and will see where I'm coming from. It makes sense to me, I'm just not sure which language he is...and still, even if I tell him that mine is physical touch and quality time, that doesn't mean anything (cause I've told him numerous times throughout the years that's what I need). Looking back at our lists we had to make in our counseling sessions years ago, my list has 5 things I need to feel like a couple...they are
Time together (quality...talking)
Communication with each other
Affection....and publicly too (I'm only talking about hand-holding and some pecks here and there in public)
Common interests and plans
Patience and understanding
The book just reaffirmed things I already knew about myself, and gives me an idea of how to show him that I love him, but without two of us trying, nothing will ever change.
So without all the specifics, we had our semi-annual argument (I guess that's about how often we have a true argument). Of course I already had things going around in my head after reading that book, was already sensitive cause of how he ignores me, belittles our relationship in front of others, and doesn't talk to me, spend time with me, touch me, say he loves me (of course those our my perceptions anyway and how I internalize things...he very well might not think he's doing those things)...and then we came home to a sick Jazper (our dog) in his crate.
He didn't care for how I decided (as a 35 year old adult) to wash Jazper with the hose outside (he literally had crap and vomit on him!). He was worried about the wet in the house, despite the fact that I had towels and apparently had already thought of that.
I retorted and of course said things I didn't mean, that were hurtful, and I wish I could take back.
I told him that I wasn't a child and that I was a 35 year old adult whose way of doing things might be different then his, but it works...but the worst part was that I said I "was done" and later I said to his face that "I hated him". I don't hate him, and geeze he has to know it...I just think it came out for shock value to get him to notice me or something. Of course even after trying to talk to him this morning about it...he won't let it go and now somehow everything is on me and I'm the terrible person who is completely at fault cause I said I hated him and later called him an a**hole.
He's running with it though and of course the fight didn't end there...I felt backed into a corner trying to get out all my pent up emotions and resentment, whatever I might have that has been pushed down deep since we don't talk and I don't feel loved. When he made a comment to Jazper about "mommy not helping clean up any of the mess" that's when I shouted that I was "down in the basement you a**hole cleaning." I did tell him how I felt verbally and emotionally abused and that friends have even asked if he's ever touched me before (HE NEVER HAS...NEVER EVEN RAISED A HAND...I say that in all caps cause a few people have asked, and apparently they have reasons to be concerned, but I've never felt unsafe with him or that he would do that. He's so critical of me and I swears he tells me he's told me things when he didn't, just to prove me wrong and start a fight. He says I just don't listen. We don't talk, so how can I listen to things? I say emotional abuse cause I don't get any emotions from him and I feel like I am constantly on a roller coaster with mine. I've taken days off of work before cause of a fight and being in such mental distress over it.
Here's how our fights playout and how I think this one will:
Somehow it ends up being all my fault, I'm the bad guy
He ignores me for DAYS, no emails, texts, nothing--I feel like I'm being punished
I finally say I'm sorry (just to end it), or we both gradually start talking like nothing happened
Nothing is resolved
I don't know if what is happening is real verbal or mental/emotional abuse...but that's what I've come to categorize it as anyway.
...wow saying that people have asked if he'crap me was not the right thing to say. I say all the wrong (even if they might be true) things at the worse times. Of course he got sensitive with that since his dad used to beat his mom...something I wasn't completely aware of for sure when we got married...I think I had hints of it, just wasn't real sure. He was so loving back then and touchy-feely with me that it didn't matter to me anyhow.
He of course came with threats of leaving and having papers here for me to sign when I get back from the cabin with mom and dad. He even took off his wedding ring and threw it at me in the basement...I did find it and have it, but he didn't look for it.
I woke up this morning to see the phone book opened to "attorneys." I really wanted to flip it to "counselors", but I don't have any more fight in me. I am so numb anymore and just want his eyes and ears to be opened to my asking him to show he loves me in the way that I can feel that. I don't want to be pushed away anymore....
This is getting really long, but its actually helping me typing through it and I guess really, I need to tell someone anyway. I don't know what to think or feel anymore, or what to do....
I don't want to give up...I just want the love back that I had when we got married is all, I want to be loved and give love.
I want to happily cook a dinner and not worry that it will be criticized. I want to be able to drive my car with him in it, not commenting on how I drive or how dirty it is (even after I just cleaned it). I want to stop hearing him say to people that we never have sex (well yeah...if my love language is touch and the only reason I'm ever touched is to get some action, of course I'm going to push away).
If you have any advice for me at all...of course I will happily take it...I just don't know what to do anymore. I do love him, I just want to be in love with him and come out a stronger couple from all of this...I really didn't mean those things I said, but they were stirred from something apparently.
So ironically we were at a wedding yesterday afternoon...and when it was said in church that "love is not irritating" He said to me "yeah, love is not irritating." I guess he doesn't remember our ceremony....
he says he's never around to spend time with me with my friends (he's always working) yet we went to a birthday party for a friend of mine last night and the whole time he was thinking of being at home and what he was not accomplishing. When we left he said he didn't want to drive all the way to their house...I calmly and seriously offered he could stay if he wanted, but he went. The whole time we were there we didn't feel like a couple, we didn't talk, he was on his phone texting someone else. Why he says about not being able to go places when I do then is beyond me...he really doesn't want to be there anyway. I'm tired of forgetting who I really am for keeping a house clean and trying to be a wife.
So so familiar. That ring-taking off is total BS. I endured that game from mine for a couple of years, with him telling me to go get a divorce instead of saying that he did or did not want one. Passive-aggressive--learn all about that--certainly the phone book move is passive-aggressive!
Our wedding pastor gave us the book the Five Love Languages--of course that was returned to me unread during the divorce. Mine was stuck at two years old. That sounds sarcastic, but after much much much suffering and study, it is the truth. Cannot see others as separate from himself. No awareness of or respect for personal boundaries, which does absolutely kill the other person, all of that thought invasion/control/gaslighting with the stuff that supposedly was said/not said that never was said or not said. He literally drove me insane, because he is insane and in need of heavy-duty psychiatric care. You cannot reason with such a person, keep trying and watch yourself become a shell of everything good you ever were. Sorry to be negative--perhaps your situation is not so hopeless.
Marriage counseling will NOT address his issues, and please believe they are HIS issues, NOT relationship issues. A great source of support for you would be Al-Anon meetings, because the program works for spouses of mentally ill as well as of alcoholics--lots of nice folks there who will understand, and it is about healing YOU, not changing the other person. My first ex was a drinker and did hit me; this last one (like yours) never laid a finger on me and the emotional and verbal abuse and crazy-making was much much worse--I would rather be physically beaten than to have my mind torn down! Plus you cannot prove the scars to people who do not understand, people who only see his public facade.
As I said, maybe your guy is not a control freak (sure sounds like one!!!), but if he is, you protect yourself spiritually, and financially, too, because you will get to endure the divorce from hell if you have any money at stake. They don't let go. They push away and push away but will not let go. He possibly thinks you are his mommy who has to put up with any BS he wants to do. Take this seriously, you cannot change it. You sound like a very honest and emotionally available person. Don't argue much or give long drawn-out explanations. It will wear you out to no avail. I figured out that mine will only respond to two things: a court order or a gun, and I am non-violent, so...............thank God I got free. Praise the Lord! So do not mess around with considering all of the many many options we all have when negotiating in relationships. Ultimatums seem wrong, but are needed. Hey, hubby who supposedly loves me, it is A or B, nothing else: go get help or get out of my life. I will support and help you or else go where the real me is wanted. No wavering.
Search Google on the Dangerous Man and also on Psycho Ex-wife (this is for men divorcing crazymaking women--a real eye-opener, control freaks come in both genders). See if you relate. If not, great. Maybe it's you. If so, note how many people have successfully reformed their passive-aggressive partner---------answer: ZERO. It is noble to try, but I wish to God I had never tried. Set some goals for your relationship with a definite, non-negotiable time limit. No excuses from either of you.
I am a Christian, trust me, I took my vows very very seriously. Also a mistake, because he did not. It has been four and a half years of hell. The first time he told me to "go get a divorce" was two weeks after we married, and I wish to God I had done just that instead of playing into the game of proving I was not the kind of person who would marry for life one day and divorce the next, which is exactly what HE is.
YES, IT IS MOST DEFINITELY EMOTIONAL ABUSE, especially that belittling you and your marriage in front of people--what a bully! Also read up on bullying and the book Walking On Eggshells, about borderline personality people. I understand your suffering. Please get your own counseling to free yourself from his subliminal control. I know I am being bossy as hell here, but man oh man, I would not wish the last two years of all-out psychological warfare I endured on anyone. He turned a lover (me) into a fighter, and it was all just really sick and a complete waste of time and money. I will never get that time back.
Well, finally, I hear your guilt over the I Hate You statement. At least you can express yourself. Has he not treated you as though he hates you and does not love you? You can fix what you said easily by saying, hey, I do not hate you or anyone, but I do hate/detest/abhor/loathe your behavior towards me. I do not accept the behavior. It must change if we are to have a future together, and that is not negotiable, because I do deserve to be treated lovingly by my partner. If he lets go, let him go. If he won't fight to keep you, he is just not worth it. If he says he wants to love you, then give him some rules to start with. It is okay to have rules. No hitting is just one of many that should be followed. Just following the one is not enough, for an adult. A good rule for you might be to next time say I Hate The Way You Act.
Hope it all helps--throw out my jaded parts and use what is useful to you right now. I am jaded and unable to evaluate whether my own ideas are good ones anymore. Please don't go that far with it. Trust your gut, not his. Keep tabs on your depression. Depression hurts! It is anger turned inwards. Don't do that to yourself to save him the trouble of beating you up. Oh, and one thing to do when he is being an !**@!-------LAUGH AT HIM, NOT WITH HIM. Cuz, yeah, a grown man acting like a baby can be scary and intimidating. It is also just ridiculous and comical, at the same time. Does your man belong in a playpen or on a potty chair and not in your bed? cuz grown people do not throw expensive wedding rings around instead of talking about where they should be kept. Hard to face, if so, liberating to know and accept, if so. When I got done being so mad about it, I finally reached compassion and forgiveness. I do feel sorry for him, still. But he needs to act out with his mommy, not me, a real live adult woman.
I Don't Want You To Forget Who You Are, Either. That would totally suck. Sorry to be down on your hubby. I just know that reforming assholes is best left to the professionals, or to their mommies. The phone book deal is really manipulative--he is trying to scare you into submission, when underneath it all, he is the scared one. He wants you to say "please do not call an attorney" and make it okay for him to back down as you beg him out of fear. This is not honest communication. OR he is putting it in your head for you to call an attorney first, which will also keep his hands clean. The ole catch-22, damned if you do or don't. YOU SHOULD see an attorney for a post-nuptial instead of for a divorce, since he is all throwing rings around. You have the perfect excuse to get it all cut and dried right now, whether you two divorce or not, and to keep him from playing control games with money and assets and debt if you two ever separate. Grab it, girl! Tell him you want to work things out, but since he is bouncing all around, you won't stay without a post-nup, because he is not acting like a trustworthy adult. Perhaps sparks will fly. You hold your ground, anyway. Show him you won't be pushed around, and who knows, maybe he will wake up. You will be covered either way. Good luck.
PS. The short version--Buy your husband some diapers. Tell him to go put one on, and remind him to change them whenever he starts crapping on you, because he certainly does have the manual dexterity to do that for himself. If you go to a gathering again, and he pulls the whiny baby crap, say calmly, "Do you need to change your diaper, baby?" Seriously. I am very serious. If he laughs, you have a 20/80 chance. If he gets pissed, chances are zero, so let's go party together where the real men are on July 4th. It is just that freaking simple! I will know next time!!! (To get a potty-trained guy, not to buy his diapers for him).
Ha obviously has zero respect for you, and that is a pity. We men should love, protect and respect our wives. "I think you should give him an ultimatum - either you respect me as the woman who loves you, or it's over. I'll gladly contact any of those divorce lawyers that you so kindly pointed out to me." If you can, it would also be great if you could go stay somewhere else until he decides he wants to talk to you. But you should refuse to speak to him alone - take someone along who will back you up.