I'm in highschool, and so is my brother. I have an old dog I love dearly, and I'm a big person for the environment. I know my brother smokes all the time, I've caught him. He comes home reeking smoke everyday, and I don't want that for anyone, especially my dog. A very large number of people smoke in my school, and I'm not very close to him at all. My room is right next to his, and we have a small house. I just don't think me, my dog, and anyone else who hasn't smoke shouldn't have to deal with this....complete bull****. I get that its a huge part of the industry, but I still don't get and never will get why smoking isn't banned. People will lose jobs, a lot of money will be lost, but is that not better than the thousands dying of lung cancer from smoking? Of course it will still go on, illegally and all that cr**, but is it too much to ask to ban something that isn't good for anybody?
My mother and father drink a lot, especially my father. They always speak of how they don't get drunk and that they're in complete control when they are. I don't have a good relationship with any of them either. In a way, I feel I don't have real, stable family at all. My father is generally kind, but when he gets upset he gets violent and loud, and he wonders why I loathe him. I have gotten beaten before. My mother has actually climbed on top of me and beat me before, telling me to shut up because I was "talking back". I fight very often with her.
I find myself depressed and suicidal often. I get extremely nervous around people. I feel I've been teaching myself what's right and wrong. When I was little, I used to hit other kids, and I'm a girl. I used to be a tomboy. Of course I was punished, but I feel it is mostly out of embarrassment of having your kid hitting other kids, who tell their parents. I get very stressed from school; I'm someone who can't keep up in studies like other kids. I find myself often tired and overwhelmed and cranky. Every time I go to school, I feel extremely anxious, socially aware, ugly, and stupid. I cannot walk into a room full of people without wanting to run out and hide in my bedroom instead. I often binge when I feel bad. I feel I'm mentally and physically deteriorating, going insane. My head is full of bullsh** and senseless worries and it feels scrambled and as if it's going to burst. I'm physically out of shape; I used to love playing sports, now I've stopped playing and I loathe running. I can feel myself growing weaker, and I'm now one of the slowest people in endurance/fitness in my PE class. I have a retarded need for people to like me, to be popular. I know how it doesn't make sense, and that being popular isn't everything and all that crap. I know it all and I tell it to myself everyday, but it's like a drug, not that I've ever taken any. I try to be a good person, but even now I have been Googling suicide. I fail to get good grades, and I don't even want to attend college. I am not in any clubs, while everyone else is in at least one, because I don't want to. I don't know what I want to do. I have a big head, bad skin: severe acne and dry skin, i'm overweight, and I'm just not physically attractive. My terrible self esteem is killing me. I honestly don't see what to live for right now except my dog, because she's all I'm living for right now. She's the only one who I can honestly love dearly to the ends of the earth. I run away from love; I've basically turned down someone who I loved so much, just because I'm so nervous, especially if my parents found out. It's not something I could talk about with them. I've never spoken like this before. I've never been this honest. I've went to a psychologist before, and all I ever wanted was for him to go away; my mother made me attend. I know she tries, and I know my father tries.My mother tries, but she is so blinded by judgement, the environment I live in (South Korea, a very WORK HARD, BE SUCCESSFUL kind of place) and she refuses to open up and put herself in my shoes. My father is blinded by his pride. He owns a successful company, but he is a jacka**. I know he respects people, but he sees himself as someone extremely elite and respectful and successful, but when he gets the least bit ticked off he thinks he has the right to go all apesh** and he doesn't think. And he thinks it's right. He gets angry at his workers like he does with family. It's not too much, it's too little. I'm on shaky ground that keeps shaking, and I wish it would just break through so i could fall.