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I hate life...I really do. (Long thread)

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I hate life. I do. In fact, i hate MY life. Everything seems inpossible to do. I have no passion, no goal, nothing that stimulates me to keep going. I don't want to commit suicide, I just want it to end as quickly as possible. I have so many people around me, yet I feel so alone. I have at least 50 person per day writing me on social media, but they're all strangers. I have so many guys trying to get with me, but I can't feel nothing. I don't care about nobody, including myself. It seems that my life is just this big routine, this chrore that I have to do. I have no real friends. My only friend is my sister. My childhood was crap. I don't even remember ONE good time I've had with my family.

My dad was mistreating all of us. We couldnt play with other kids, I couldn't go to my elementary school prom. We got beat up my sister and I for playing outside on a school day. I remember us wearing tons of clothes underneath so it wouldnt hurt as much when he would hit us. I remember him beating me up when he found a lipgloss in my school bag in 2nd grade (elementary school). He would beat up my mom too, to the point where sometimes we were scared for her life. I could never have sleepovers at my friends and anniversaries were out of question. I sucked at math and the report card week was the worst of my life. I never felt love from my parents, my mom too miserable with her life, with no love for herself couldnt give us anything. She would work her ass off and had to come back home and give him all her money. If she didnt he would threaten to kill her. She couldnt go out, or go to her christmas parties. She felt stuck, since she didnt speak the language, and didnt study. He made us work for free from 13 years old at his restaurant. I wanted to dance but he said dancing is for whores, so we had to do karate. I remember having to wake up every saturday morning, forced to go to karate class even though we hated it.

Teenage years have changed everything for us. My dad cheated on my mom with a goldigger that was working with us at the restaurant. She took all his money and left us with nothing. My mom finally got enough and started seeing another man. I think he's the reason she started to break free from my dad. We, on the other hand, could never go out with our friends outside of school, so we started skipping our classes to make up for it. Summer. I was about 15. My mom had left to our native country because my grandmother had cancer. So we were alone with him. There was a huge party everyone went to. I REALLY wanted to go, so I lied and said I was sleeping over at my cousin's house. We had fun, but the last bus left and we had no way to go home. A group of guys started talking to us and told us we could go "chill" at their house. I went. Me and this guy started making out. He left hickeys on my neck.

The next day, my sister calls. My dad found out everything. He was looking for me. I was so scared. He came to pick me up, me and my friend. He saw the hickeys. When I got home, I was never beat up like that. I was dripping blood and at one point I passed out, only to have him wake me up with a beating again. That day, we've had enough, so we went to my school counselor, and told her everything. She called the cops. They told us since it was the first time, they couldnt really do something about it. So we stayed at my aunt's house and waited for my mom to come back. When she came back, she kicked him out. I remember the days where my dad was kicked out, or left for vacation, were the best days. I could sleep ober at my best friends, my stress and fear were all gone, and we felt soo happy. But he would always come back; and everything would go back to "normal". So when she kicked him out, we knew for sure he would come back. I wanted to do everything before that. I started skipping class to smoke joints, I started drinking and smoking cigarrets, then I started having sex with guys 10 years older than me.

My mom couldnt do it anymore. She got fired from her job, had no more money left, and we were completely out of control. So she made him come back. Nobody would talk to him except my little brother. Did I say I had a little brother? Poor him. He didn't have it as bad as us because when he grew up, my dad was gone, but he had to witness everything. Watch everything and not be able to lift a finger. So as I was saying, we would ignore him. I remember I wasnt as scared anymore, but I had so much hate in me. I remember everynight, wishing and praying cops would knock on our door and tell us he was dead. It was still on and off with my dad. My mom was still seeing someone, but she stayed with him for financial support. And also for us not to go back to the crazy monsters we had become. It didnt work though. I still smoked, skipped school, did drugs and had sex. So he would kick me out. I would go spend days at my friends, doing exactly what I thought I wanted to do. Today I know it was a way out for me. A way to forget all the pain I had bottled up inside, that I refused to accept. I was 18 when I started working at this tanning salon, with a racist boss that would stress me out and throw nasty, racists comments at me. I had a submisive personality. I was scared of authority, so I let her put me down and make fun of me every chance she got. I was living with my dad again and my mom had left on vacation(again). My little brother had changed school and he hated it. He said some guys would bully him. When they called my dad he was pissed, he wanted to give him a beating. That's when I said "it's not his fault, he's getting bullied." Instead of being comprehensive, he told my brother they would go to school together and confront the guy with the principal. My little brother didnt want that. So when they woke up the next morning and my dad told him to go, he said no. So he started beating him up. I intervened. I took the hits, because I'd rather have him hit me, than hit my little angel. He was the only one of us that didnt have his whole life wrecked because of that monster of a man. And I wasnt about to let him start. He kicked me out. I went go work that day. I called my friend, told her everything. She told me i could stay at her house as long as i wished.

I was looking for apartments when her sister told me: instead of looking for one I could just help them with the rent and stay there. Which I did. But when their mom came back, she didnt want me there anymore. That's when I met him, the nicest guy I've ever met. We were talking on facebok. He was from my country too. And he was coming to study here. We were seeing each other for a couple of weeks. He was living with his 2 friends, and since my friends mom was still there, I was sleeping over at his house most of the time. He took his own place and we started living together. I loved him so much. He was my savior. I thought he was the love of my life, and same for him. He stoped going to school to stay with me, so his visa was going to cancel. I decided I would marry him to get him to stay. I got married at 18 after 6 months with the guy. We decided, while waiting for his papers to be ready, I would go with him to our country.

He was talking about his mom like the coolest woman on earth. His best friend. So I loved her instantly. After the second day there, I discovered how wrong I was. She was jealous, and would try to break us off so many times. At that time my dad was there too. I didnt speak to him in 2 years. I turned to him. I got pregnant at 19. I was so scared, in a country that I didnt consider my own, and where abortion was a big taboo. We didnt want his parents finding out, so we had to find money to get me the abortion. My sister and my best friend sent us the money. But the week before I got the abortion, his mom found out. She pretended to be my best friend. Went with me to every doctor possible to book an apointment. The day I got the abortion, she camd with me, since my now husband was working. After it was done. Instant change. I could see the hate in her eyes. The next day, I was alone with her since he was working. I don't remember why the fight happened, all I remember were the insults. She told me everyone hated me. Even my own parents disowned me. That I was crap. A slut that ruined her son's life. I remember trying to run away, only to have her pull me back from my hair on the floor. It was the day after the abortion. She started kicking my stomach, where it hurt the most. I was screaming for help, but nobody came.

She heard his footsteps. My husband heard everything and was coming back from work. So she let me go, and when he came in, she threw herself on the floor, pretending to cry, screaming "SHE SLAPPED ME! SHE HIT ME". I thought i was in a nightmare. In a movie or something. I thought I had the devil in front of me, lying with no shame whatsoever! I put my rage on my husband. I told him everything was his fault. That he introduced me to a monster. "how could you do that to me?!?!!" I heard myself scream. "You need to go back" he told me. So I came back, wrecked and embarrassed. Even my mom had lost weight, with all the stress I put her through with my problems. I had nightmares every night. I remember wishing I had hit her, insulted her, like she said I did. My husband still wanted me. He turned his back on his parents. But I couldnt be with him anymore. I hated his family. And I hated how he couldnt protect me from them. I broke up with him, only to get back with him a couple months later. And again. Today, we're still not divorced. I don't know if I'm ready to let go. I dont think anybody could ever love me as much as he did.

I got a job as a barmaid. I make a lot of money, that I spend on stupid crap. I live with my little brother, who'm I give everything to. I have no driving license and no goals for the future. I meet so much people due to my job, but it all seems meaningless. I don't trust guys. I dont trust anybody. I don't know what to do. And I'm only 22. All I do is smoke weed, drink alcohol, and come back home, even more depressed. I sleep all day and nothing seems to make me happy. I fake smiles and laughs and conversations every day. People find me so beautiful. But I feel ugly. I hate this life. I have no real friends left. Only fake people that are waiting on the occasion to stab me in the back. My sister's married. My mom's with her new boyfriend, and my dad lost everything. What is this and when is it going to end?
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replied January 10th, 2017
I have a very similar story, but I'm 15 and I tried to suicide, but I made an incorrect cut and passed out instead and had major blood loss. When I woke up in the hospital I saw the pain in my moms eyes, I saw the pain in my sibling and my friends eyes. That's when I realised. Suicide isn't getting rid of the pain. It's passing it on. I cut myself almost every day these days, sometimes multiple times a day. It's the only way I can deal with life without hurtihg my family. That's how I understand life now, I'd rather live with scars, bruises and extensive emotional pain, but I cannot see my brother in pain again because of me. Keep living on, if not for yourself, for your family. Leave the drugs and weed, whatever you wanted to do when you were young, do it. You have a very loving husband from what I hear. And a wonderful little angel, keep living on for them
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replied January 10th, 2017
And I know that previous reply was very cheesy, and I am sorry for that. But it's what helped me, I'm 16 now and still highly depressed, but I have to keep this miserable life going on for the ones who I love and the ones who love me.
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replied January 10th, 2017
And something else, sorry that I'm messageing a lot btw, just that, you said nothing keeps you going anymore. From what I've noticed, you do sound beautiful, I've learnt that finding love, true love, someone you would lay down your life for and someone who would do the same. That person would give you purpose. Give you passion, give you a reason to wake up and enter the hellhole routine of what life is. You have to lower your defence to find love. Trust someone, make yourself vunrable for that right person. Find someone you love and trust with your life, and someone who loves you, and trusts you with everything.
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