I've never contributed to a forum and I'm certainly no doctor but you sound so unhappy. I don't think your cat's depressed, especially if she gets lots of kisses and cuddles from you. She may be unwell in some other way that isn't necessarily serious at all. My cat has a recurring problem of a granuloma in the mouth. When it flares up, he gets very quiet and goes off his food. Maybe you can take your cat to the vet and get her checked over; it's probably something quite straightforward. However, you also need to look after yourself. Are you taking any medication for depression? If so, it sounds as if you may need the dose adjusting. There are probably also things in your life that you are unhappy with but it is very difficult to change things when you are so low and blaming yourself for everything. Step 1 in my opinion is going to the doctor and explaining how you feel; I'm sure you will be prescribed medication. Step 2, when you feel a bit better, is starting to think about what changes you need to make, either in your practical circumstances or simply your way of looking at things. Counselling is expensive but can really help if you find the right person. I hope you feel better soon and for goodness sake try to be less hard on yourself.