I
don't really know where to begin, but here
it goes...
1) One of the main causes of my depression
was the loss of my grandfather in November
last year. He wasn't just the normal
grandpap you see everyonce in a while. I
spent countless hours over at his house
during the summer. Him and my grandmother
babysat me since I was a 1 year old. I
practically lived in their house because
my parents worked so much. He was the kind
of grandpap that loved to get hugs before
all his grandchildren left. He would
always carry me around on his shoulders
when I was a young kid. He always knew how
to make me laugh no matter what. As I'm
writing this my eyes are burning up, my
throat is clenching itself, my mouth is
drying up , and I miss him so much... I
just want him to come back. I don't think
I've ever loved someone as much as I loved
him. I don't think there's anything that
can cure this. I've been having dreams
with him lately, and It's always the same.
The family is eating dinner at my
grandpap's house. It's like everything was
exactly the same as it was before, but I
soon realize that it's a dream. I end up
running to him and yelling at him "Are you
real!?" And shaking him, crying wildly. I
usually wake up with tears down my face.
It's been 4 months and I'm still crying
violently about him. It hurts every time I
write about him. I just want to see him
again.
2) Girls. I've been told I'm very
attractive, and that I'm "hot". But I have
self esteem issues anyways. No matter what
I think, I do not think of myself as
attractive. I always shoot myself down,
and I'm extremely timid around girls.
Everytime a girl opens up to me or shows
me any kindness I end up liking them, a
lot. It's always the same after than,
"you're a really nice guy, but I just want
to be friends." I don't understand why my
personality isn't attractive as a
boyfriend. And yes, if you are wondering I
am still a virgin. Although I really want
to just give it up. I haven't even gotten
a hand job or anything. I've just kissed
two girls before. And the two girls that I
kissed led me on. They didn't really like
me. In the past few months up here at
college I've fallen for a girl. A girl
named Kelsey, who is beautiful, and such a
sweet girl. But, every time I gather the
courage to ask her our on a date, she's
always busy. I've asked her six or seven
times. I've given up her. I've told her I
liked her, and she told me she doesnt want
to have anything to do with guys.
3) I always worry about what others think
of me. No matter what, even if it's
someone I don't like. I'm always worried.
I don't want anyone to hate me, even
though it happens. My childhood in middle
and high school was terrible. I had two
friends that I truly cared about, and I
don't even get to see them anymore up here
at college. Throughout middle school I
was hated for the fact that I didn't have
a lot of money. And I'm hated because I'm
quote on quote an atheist.... I bet many
of you will judge right now. "Oh, he's an
atheist that's why he's depressive..." I
got beat up in middle school and the
freshman year of high school because of
both these reasons. I was also ridiculed
because of who I was friends with. I was
friends with the nerdy kids/fat kids,
because I really liked them. They were
nice, fun, and caring, and that's why I
liked them.
I wasn't always like this. I alway
thought it was something that would pass.
I didn't worry so much about girls. Now,
all I want is a girl that I can care for
and love. I can't find her. I can barely
find a girl that acknowledges me more than
just a friend.
4) I'm not doing that well in school. I
have around a 2.3-2.5 GPA. No matter what
I do, I always do terrible on tests. I
worry myself to death about them. Even if
I do know most of the answers I still
screw up. I'm afraid I'm going to screw up
and mess my life up by not doing well in
college.
There's more but I think this is enough
for you guys to know. Any advice is
appreciated. Thanks for reading
Just pm me ur email
address 