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i feel so lost and alone

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i feel like ever since school i suffered with anxiety, depression, panic attacks, no self asteam, got terribly bullied. just a wondering soul that should never have been born and nearly was'nt. im 30 now and life doesnt really seem to have changed much, its had its lows and major lows but very few highs. im socially anxious and have no friends at all, im not working as life just got too much and i couldnt cope, i kept being ill. my dad died seven years ago which was a real knock to my system also. ive been with my boyfriend for three years now and dispite a few lies hes told in the early days i love him more than words can say but i dont feel it in return dispite he says he loves me. i know he suffers from social anxiety also but other than that has a pretty normal life. we had a huge argument a few days ago and havnt spoken and i havnt been able to see straight since, i cant stop crying cos he is my whole life and not just cos i have no friends and job but purely cos i love every hair on his stuborn spoilt head. i live with my mum who also suffers with depression and i really feel for her cos i understand but i cant confide in her as it doesnt stay private. sometimes i think id be better off dead and that know one would notice or care. i feel so isolated, lost and incredibly low dispite the fact im on prozac and have been for a year now, well ive been on and off it for a few years. is life always going to be like this? and i dont want to live without him.
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